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I decided that I go ahead and write this all out because I know many people were/are confused as to what happened and why we were going to be induced, then why weren't, then why Chase arrived after hearing that the amino was a no go. :) All so confusing, huh? Let's just start with August 6, 2012.
Monday, August , 2012. Blake and I awoke anxiously and nervously to attend our 37 week OB appointment. This was my amino appointment. This was my LAST OB appointment prior to the planned induction. We began to OB appointment with the amino. It really wasn't so bad. I was really nervous because I thought, "wow, they are going to put this huge needle in my stomach, it has to hurt." But, it definately wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. So, we completed the amino. The procedure itself went really well. Then, we were sent to the hospital for routine monitoring after an amino just to make sure all was well. We arrived at Meritus to do our monitoring, and I was contracting pretty regularly 2-4 minutes apart. At that point, I was 3 cm dilated too. Sometimes an amino can put someone into labor. We were hoping for that. But, of course, I wasn't feeling the contractions. They just simply were a bit uncomfortable here and there, but nothing really. Dr. Oh sent us home to wait. And, we waited, and waited and waited and waited. It was probably the longest day of my life. We spent the day with Bailey, our dog, at Blake's parents house since we were ready to return to the hospital that night to prepare for induction to begin at 6:30am on Tuesday.... I had been calling the lab all day making sure that they were working on the results, and trying to find out what time we should expect to hear from the doctors. I probably annoyed the lady so much because I kept getting the same rep. lol Oh well, I wanted those results. Finally, at 8pm that call came...And, it was Dr. Oh calling to tell us....that the amino was a no go. We were told that his lungs were not mature. They were off by a .2. The results were a 2.8 and they needed to be a 3.0. We were bummed. I tried to act calm and collective on the phone, but I really wanted to scream and yell. I knew that Dr. Oh did not want to give us that news because I could tell in his voice that he hated to burst our bubble. I was still contracting, but they were still the same, not really intense. He advised that if they got worse to come to the hospital, if they continued in the AM that I should call the office to schedule an appointment. Blake and I headed home in a long ride. We only live about 15 minutes from his parents, but that car ride was another long ride. We were bummed. There were no words. Honestly, I felt like someone told me that I was never going to deliver him or something. We were so ready to meet him. We were so prepared. We were beyond anxious and ready really. We have been pregnant for 18 months...we were the definition of ready! We arrived at house, unloaded the car, and we came inside to break down. We sat in the house in the dark, crying and upset. Why...why had our "plan" once again, not work?!?! I was angry with God. I'll admit it. In that moment, I probably thought so pretty bad stuff. I can't tell you how that anger that we had for 9 months came rushing back tenfold. So...we waited again....I prayed that those contractions would get worse or that my water would break. We were awake the entire night, tossing and turning. I kept thinking..."is Chase going to die? or am I going to lose him too?" I hat e that those thoughts were there, but I just didn't get it. I didn't understand why every other person that I knew who had an amino at 37 weeks lungs were matured, but our results came back that we couldn't proceed. Uggghh. contractions stayed, and they didn't get worse. My water never broke. So, the morning was here. At 8am, I called the office in complete tears, and I explained that I needed an appointment. We needed to know that Chase was okay. So, of course, we were told to head on into the office. We got ready, and I wasn't sure what this appointment was going to consist of. I was done with "plans". I didn't want to plan anymore. I didn't want to get my hopes up only to be let down again. So, I took nothing with us to the appointment. I left the house a mess. I purposeful said outloud, "God, I'm done. It's your plan. It's you decision. I'm giving it to you". The office visit began with a Non Stress Test and Biophysical sono.....he did his breathing technique. He did his muscle tone that he needed. My fluid was the highest it had been in weeks which surprised me. His heart was beating. But, he wasn't moving. So he FAILED his BPP. He FAILED...those words made me worry. I knew he was alive, but why wasn't he moving??!! Blake and I both were sitting there praying our hearts out,...once again, WHY!? Why was this happening?! So, we were sent to a waiting room in the back of Capital. We were sitting there for eternity, so it felt. Then, the nurse came to get us, and I lost it. I was just a crying mess. We were taken into Dr. Kothari's office. He discussed that the doctor's felt that it was best to go ahead and deliver because of our history. He explained that we should prepared that Chase may need oxygen, but he would rather have him out than inside of me. He explained that he felt like it was a risk everyday plus with the anxiety and stress that I was having...as I approached the dreaded 38 week mark, just wasn't going to be good for Chase....so after talking with him for a bit. We were headed to the hospital... FINALLY....we were going to deliver. Oh and at this point I was 4cm! So labor probably would have began on its own anyways....but regardless, we were delivering!! WOW...seriously? This moment was here. I can't explain the emotion. Honestly, at this point, we weren't even sure if we were "in the clear" because there was a chance he was going to need Oxygen which is minor considering the other things that could have happened...we began to pray. The silence that filled that car as we drove to the hospital was just another reminder of our last visit to the hospital to deliver... It was all becoming so similar...we arrived at the hospital. It started becoming emotional because the labor process all began around the same time. My midwife was the same which I had intended it to be that way. She has really become apart of our family through this journey. But, the time line itself kept lining up to be the same. It was a Tuesday; my labor began at 11 at the hospital; they broke my water at noon--all of which was the same as my labor with Bentley. But, the labor pains weren't so bad, actually Blake and I were watching ESPN the entire time, and I was feeling pretty good. I had amazing nurses. They were really great considering that I was really emotional when we first got there. Everything was lining up the same, so I was extra emotional. I just kept reliving it all over and over again in my head, and I kept saying out loud--"This is all the same, all the same! It was difficult. I knew that everything was okay, but it was just all too familiar. We started pitocin at 6cm because my labor was kinda staying the same...once we started pitocin, then I decided to go ahead and get the epidural. The worst part of the epidural was that my blood pressure was dropping. I kept telling Blake that I think I'll just go to sleep. The doctor was like nooooooo, lets give her some medicine to help her blood pressure come back up! lol So, the pitocin really kicked my labor into gear, but I had the epidural, so I didn't feel it. We sat there for alittle bit, and the nurse asked if I had been feelign the pressure anymore intense. I kept saying "eh, just alittle bit, but nothing really". She went to get the midwife, and I was 10cm and he was right there. I pushed two times and Chase was here.... Wow...that moment...that moment there are no words for it. I remember that I kept saying, I can't believe he's here. I can't believe he's here. The tears streamed down my face. Chase was here. He was screaming. And, he didnt need O2. He was doing great. They put him on my chest, and the memories of Bentley flooded my mind....they looked so much alike but Chase was here screaming on my chest, looking at me. That moment saved me. That moment gave me a reason to continue picking my feet up. That moment is a moment that I will never forget. It didn't take away the pain of losing Bentley. It didn't make it hurt any less, and it certainly doesn't make it all go away. If anyone feels that way, then they are a wrong. A whole new set of emotions came with Chase actually being here, and that is a blog for another day. It has taken a month to write this blog almost. I've been a tad bit busy... :) I can tell you though that this pregnancy was the longest pregnancy of my life, and it was so challenging emotionally and mentally. I don't know how we made it through other than God carried us every step of the journey. 25 weeks only 11 weeks to go!!!
Chase is weighing 1lb 12 ounces....he's getting big! Next appt is in two weeks with sono....I will continue to update everyone..I'll write more tomorrow! Time is flying, but time is taking forever! I have been feeling pretty good, just trying busy. I have focused on trying to enjoy this pregnancy with Chase, and Blake and I are getting ready for vacation to Myrtle Beach in a week and half! We can't wait. My next doctor's appointment is May 3rd. I am currently working on odds and ends concerning Chase's nursery. This has been especially difficult for me as it is the nursery that Bentley should be currently using. I have stressed to keep things separate this time around and ensure that Bentley has had his identity and Chase has his. But, I have not rushed to do anything because I will get everything done in my timing. Well, just a brief update on life with being pregnant with Chase. Here's a picture of my friend Amy and I..both of us are pregnant with our rainbow babies!
TIme has been moving so slow, but it has been flying by in the very same breathe. I can't even begin to explain the constant mind battle that Blake and I have endured throughout this pregnancy. I go to the doctor's every two weeks (so thankful that my OB has allowed), but every week we come home with a good report. Everyone is always so happy, and they are so encouraging, but one thing that many people don't realize--it doesn't really matter how many appointments I go to, and it doesn't really matter how many times I come home and say everything is going great. Everything with Bentley went great until that 38 week appointment. So, I ask people, please be excited yes, but also please understand that I still have fears, and I still ride this roller coaster. The same fears and worries that most of my pregnant friends have don't even begin to touch the fears that I have or mother who have lost a child. I think about my pregnancy with Bentley, and I think about the petty worries that I had, and I think about my pregnancy so far with Chase, and my worries are beyond what I ever imagined were even "worries" with Bentley.
I hear a lot from my friends and family--"oh stephanie, just be positive, just be hopeful". Well, I can share with you this. I am positive, and I am certainly hopeful. But, I am NOT naive. I sit in a room full of people at all different stages of losses every month, and I can ensure you that it doesn't pay to be naive. I'm sure it doesn't make a loss any easier if you know the possibilities, but I can tell you that I have been more cautious. And I have learned to make the most of moments. I cherish every moment that I have had with Bentley, and I am currently cherishing every moment that I am experiencing with Chase. I tell people all the time-- we aren't promised forever...I understand that now. It isn't a cliche that I hear and say, "oh yeah, I understand that!". I UNDERSTAND that phrase now..it is so true. So, hold your children close. Don't live with regrets. But, anyways, I went off on my tangent...back to the pregnancy....I am 20 weeks, and I am on the countdown now instead of counting up! Such a good feeling honestly. But, it has been difficult because I am someone who likes to be prepared. I enjoy having everthing perfect, and I like our children to have the very best that we can give them. SO, I find myself really struggling to enjoy the things that I loved to do for Bentley. I still love to shop and prepare, but it is the nursery that I struggle with. It is the baby shower. It is the registery. It is the things that you typically enjoy doing. I enjoyed getting EVERYTHING prepped for Bentley, and don't get me wrong that I am trying really hard to enjoy the prep for Chase, but it is difficult. It's difficult because I spent so much time preparing for Bentley and ensuring that everything was perfect, and he isn't here :( He never got to use those things. I have fears. I have memories. The flash backs, and the excitement that I remember comes rushing back everytime that I try to prepare for Chase. My friends keep telling me that I have time to get everything done, and they are so right. I have time, but I want those memories. I want to have everything done for Chase. I want that innocence. I want that excitement. I don't want that fear. My registery has been so difficult too because I have everything that you need to take care of a baby. We were so ready for Bentley that we have the basics. We have clothes, and we even have so much we've bought specifically for Chase. But, I fear that someone is going to buy me something that I really wanted Bentley to wear, and I have nightmares that someone buys me the outfit that we buried Bentley in. I dread those emotions of opening a gift, and I begin having those flash backs of what I had for Bentley. So, I have pushed to people that I want gift cards. I'd rather put the gift cards towards the things that we need for Chase. Blake and I want to buy an expensive monitor that has video with it, and we want to get some safety stuff--completely different stuff than what I had asked for with Bentley...but it all is so emotion wrapped, and it is overwhelming. So...one day at a time I guess, just like everything else. It's funny because my friends or other pregnant people just don't understand these emotions. They don't get it. I know what to put on my register. I get the concept of them. I totally understand and can relate to people who know the innocence of pregnancy, but I laugh at them when they give me "advice". I HATE "advice" from mother's who haven't experienced a loss because to be quite honest our whole entire parenting concepts and ideas and lifestyle are completely different, in my opinion. They are different because the things that most parents take for granted, a parent who has lost a child understands and grasps the severity of making EVERY moment quite--regardless good of bad. I guess these are just a few of my fears and worries and venting regarding this pregnancy with Chase. I am so thankful for the people who still call. The people who still text or send a message or drop a card or e-mail. Those are what keeps us going. It is the constant knowing that people are praying. It is the people who have stood by us that keep us going. And, for the people who continue to tell me to be positive and have hope...well, think about this, I have a positive attitude, and I have a hope. A big hurdle for Blake and I were to decide if we could go through another pregnancy, and we had hope--we had/have a belief in God that he is carrying us through, so the next time someone thinks that we don't have hope--trust me, WE HAVE HOPE. We have taken the courage to get pregnant. We have been walking this path, riding the roller coaster, and enduring whatever pain comes a long with it. So, think about things before they fumble out of your mouth. I believe that is one of the BIGGEST pet peeves of parents who have lost a child--especially a baby or a pregnancy. Think before you speak...you may have no bad intensions, but there are moments that your phrases can really ruin/destroy our days.... AUgust can not come soon enough! I am so looking forward to meeting Chase... |
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September 2012
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