Blake and I attended our weekly Hospice counseling session. It has become a part of our routine, and it is a part that I honestly very much look forward to each week. Neither of us has ever been someone who has attended counseling ever or reached out for help in the past. But, we both have grown to love going to Hospice. Many people question why we attend Hospice. I get asked a lot what does Hospice have to offer. I thought the very same things when the hospital informed me about hospice counseling. I assumed that it was for people who were dying or people who had cancer. That is all that I ever knew it for, but you know what? They have bereavement services available to people who have lost a child, a pregnancy, or adults, or even those who are struggling with a current health issue that death is within 6 months or less. They offer a lot of services. Most days I feel like I am a spokesman for Hospice, but Will, our counselor, has helped us so much. He has grown to become very close to pregnancy and infant loss because he has counseled numerous people in this area, and he really has a heart for it I believe. Blake and I love attending Hospice really. It feels nice because he offers so much advice and options of memorials and gives us information to take home and read. He asks us how we are doing, and he compliments us on our successes. He has stood by us these last 3 months. He's become a vital part to our healing process.
Today at our session...Blake and I knew we had lots to discuss with him because we have overcome so many things this week. Let me just recap our week: January 17th (last Tuesday)- We had our 1st Baby #2 appt. and we heard the heartbeat--so exciting! Along with that appointment we faced our fears of being at the office and seeing the doctor who informed us that Bentley's heart wasn't beating, On January 18th ( 3 months from the day Bentley passed)...Blake and I entered Labor and Delivery to visit my friend Hannah and Jude. We walked into the very same room, and I saw it all flashing before my eyes. Then, January 19th, we attended a funeral. We went to support a girl I recently met who lost her baby at 37 weeks. Then Friday...we took a break from things. But, Saturday, we looked at our pictures of Bentley. Boy, was that hard? So, just in 4 or 5 days, Blake and I accomplished so much. And, many people might not see the importance of these things, but they are so big. They are all very crucial pieces of our healing process. Does it mean we will heal faster? Does it mean we are healed? NO!!!!! It just means that we are doing what we need to do. It means we are facing these things, and we are taking life as it comes. And, you know what our counselor said to us? He looked at us, and he said "You guys are doing amazing!" He told us that we are truly an inspiration. And, you know what? That makes me feel so happy. It doesn't make me feel happy because a pat on my back. It makes me happy because you know why I'm sitting here? We are doing this things because of Jesus Christ. We are overcoming these obstacles because we have given it to God. We knew from day one that we couldn't do this without Him. And, we showing everyone every day that Bentley's life has a purpose, and it has meaning, and it was given meaning by Jesus. Jesus gave us Bentley. And, yes he gave us Bentley for 38 weeks, but those 38 weeks have made the world a difference in Blake and I's life along with many others. I truly feel blessed. God has truly carried us through this experience. Every morning I wake up, and every evening when I lay down...I literally say these words " God, I don't know why this happened, but I thank you for Bentley, and I think you for guiding us through this. Thank you Blake and thank you for Baby #2" I start and end by day by thanking God for the very thing that he took away from me--our son--Bentley Charles Nalley. I rest assured that there is no storm that God can't carry us through. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil. 4:13, and I will continue to hold that in my heart. I know that God has "plans to prosper us and give us a future". Our counselor also commented on how close Blake and I . And, he has been very impressed that we have stuck by each other so well. He told us that our relationship is so strong, and he hasn't seen a couple this dynamic. And, you know what....it's God. It is all God. I love Blake with every piece of me. And, I love that he's been so supportive, and I love that he's been such a great father to our children. He really is the definition of what it means to be a father. I couldn't have asked for someone better. He's my best friend. And, I known that no matter what storms we face, we will face them together. Bentley has strengthened us beyond belief. And, yes, there will be days that we are on different pages grieving, but we have a bond that can't be broken. I love him always and forever. I can't wait until our family can be reunited together with Bentley in heaven. That will be the best day of our lives! Until we meet again
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Wow, where has time gone? Time has never seemed to move so quickly, but drag so much at the exact time. It feels like eternity and yesterday all in the same breathe since I delivered Bentley. Tomorrow will be 3 months from the day that we buried our sweet, Bentley Charles. I miss him every second of every day. I so wish he was here with us to watch baby #2, his little bro/sis, grow up. I know that they will always know who Bentley is. I thought about that today. I have thought about that for several months now. One of my first questions that I asked Blake after losing Bentley was--how are we going to tell our future children? At the time, I wasn't pregnant, so it wasn't a worry, and I know that even though I'm pregnant now it isn't something to stress over, but it certainly is something that I think about. How do you tell you 2nd child that their brother passed away not even a year before they were born? What words do you say? Any mothers out there who have experienced the loss of a child...got any advice?
I never thought I'd see the day that I'd return to work at the hospital, let a lone see the day that I return to work full time, but today was the day. I have begun working my full time hours. Today was a good day. I am very excited about going back to work full time. 1) because this time around I will have maternity leave since I'm full time, 2) We will have extra money to pay bills and save, 3) It passes time. It is difficult being in the hospital, but it is very difficult to be alone too, so I just weighed out the pros and cons of going back to full time. So far, so good--I am happy with our decision. Prayers continued in this area though. Both of us have jobs that continually involve death (my job), and Blake delivers to Labor and Delivery often. So, thank you everyone for the prayers they are much needed. Thinking about life now from the life we lived prior to losing Bentley is just so different. I feel that there is nothing normal about our lives anymore. I view conversations differently. I take offense to a lot of things. I think more about simple things in life. I really don't think people understand that the loss of a child especially loss of pregnancy really changes and defines your entire life. It isn't something that you just move on from. It is something that is a daily struggle to work through. It consumes or overwhelms every aspect of your life. Every decision that I make now is different because I don't view life the same. Life is precious. VERY precious. It is fragile, and it is worth everything. My biggest wish for people is to understand that life isn't a game. It's serious. It isn't a gamble. You should live each day as if it were your last, and I don't mean living it to the fullest by making dumb decisions. I mean live your life full of love and appreciation to others. Make memories. Change lives. Hug your kids tighter. Kiss them a little longer. Tell them you love them a little more often. Those moments..those family vacations...those nights of tucking your child in...those diapers you change...those times you ground your children...those games...those parties....everything you do with your children and family and friends are memories that are made. Those memories is all that is left with death intervenes. Make the most of your lives...it's all you can. We aren I struggle to really truly understand why these things happen. I miss Bentley so much. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Bentley should be here in my arms. I should be listening to him attempt to make jumbled noises and smiling and laughing. I should be able to see his bright eyes look into mine, and his tiny hands to wrap his fingers into my hand. I should be changing diapers and complaining of no sleep. Blake and I should be doing these things together. We should be constantly taking pictures and spending our time loving and hugging Bentley. But, we aren't participating in any of those things. Yes, I have a baby on the way. Yes, Lord willing I will experience those things again, but you know what? I SHOULD be doing it NOW. I should have Bentley and be taking care of the baby in my belly. Blake and I obviously planned to have more than one child, and we planned to have our children fairly close in age. I just never imagined it to be this way.
I attended a funeral today for a sweet little boy named Grayson. I saw his picture and he was beautiful. And, his mom was so strong. The family is going to get through this...God will wrap his arms around them, I know. He already has. Some may think I'm crazy. Quite honestly, I don't care. I attended the service today because it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that just three months ago I was sitting there, and now another mommy is having to go through this. It isn't fair. And, I remember that no matter how people surrounded me...I still felt alone. I felt alone because there was no one around that truly knew how I felt UNTIL we started reaching out and meeting people. Nobody can provide true comfort to someone until they've experienced the loss themselves. I wanted to be there for Natasha today. I am thankful that Blake and I had a gentlemen named Robbie from our church who felt the need to come to Bentley's services. It felt so nice that somebody came to Bentley's funeral without knowing us. And, it felt so good to see that he has survived this awful experience. It gave me hope in the midst of everything. And, I vowed that I want to be that person for someone else. Many of my friends and family may feel that what Blake and I did today was odd. Maybe it was odd. Maybe it wasn't something that I would have typically done before, but we felt the desire and the need to go. We wanted to support people, and I want people to know that they are NOT alone. I don't know what God's plan is...I'm really not sure why these things, but I have been really trying not to worry with the why since I lost Bentley. I know that I will never know why. It makes me so upset because Bentley was healthy. He should be here. Babies are born with the cord around their neck all the time, so why Bentley? It just doesn't make any sense to me. I am missing my baby boy. Blake and I have been changed people by Bentley. And, I hope to continue to share his story with many others. Three months ago today, the nurse was removing the Cervidal (sp?) from my cervix to get ready to begin pitocin. Labor was nearing. Bentley's body entered the world at 3:54pm on October 18, 2011, but his spirit had already left this world to be with Jesus. It is today that we celebrate his birth. It all seems so unreal. Most days I don't believe it's happened, but the reality hits me pretty quick, and sometimes it hits me hard. There's not a moment that goes by that Bentley doesn't consume my thoughts. Everywhere I look, I think "what would I be doing if Bentley was with me?"
Today is particularly an odd day for me. Over the last 6 months, I have grown extremely close with a coworker from work. And, I really hope she doesn't mind me sharing this. During my pregnancy with Bentley, we would talk about labor and our fears and excitements of when our precious little boys would come. My son was going to be named Bentley Charles Nalley. And, her son was going to be named Jude Daniel Cifuentes. Bentley was due on October 31, 2011, and Jude was to be born on January 31, 2012. I always thought that was cool because our boys would be so close in age. Our boys is what brought Hannah and I together. But, Hannah didn't disappear after I lost Bentley on October 18, 2011. Not to be rude, but I didn't think many pregnant people were going to stick around because I figured they would feel scared or awkward or just not know what to say. But, I can tell you, I appreciate Hannah. She stuck by me. She would check on me, and she would ensure that I was okay. She was always worried about ensuring that I didn't feel uncomfortable, and she assured me that she'd never forget Bentley. And, I believe that. And, I know she is sincere. These last several weeks, I know how been difficult for her, as she was nearing the end...and it was difficult for me because I felt like I was watching a mirror of my life just three months ago. Our appointments and dialation was very similar each visit. They actually were almost exact. I prayed that everything would be okay. I prayed that Bentley would hold her hand through this, and he would give her the precious, baby boy she deserved. And, he did just that. Hannah delivered today, January 18, 2012--exactly three months from the day Bentley's body was delivered. So, today is a rough day, but it is a joyous day because I know that Bentley had a hand in this. I believe he did. Did it bring tears to my eyes? Yes, I couldn't tell you how happy that I am for Hannah though. She has been such a great friend to me over the last several months, and I truly am happy that Jude arrived safe and sound. Bentley and Jude were about the same size, born just three months apart, and I know that if Bentley was here--they'd be the bestest friends. Hannah and I share a very similar pregnancy and a very similar delivery in the very same room that Bentley was born in, but I am taking this as a way to just ensure that we become closer. I want to celebrate with her. I want her to be happy because I know Bentley, Baby #2, and I are so happy! :) I'm glad my angel, Bentley, could be apart of Jude's day! Today at 3:54pm, Blake and I ask that people join us in a moment of silence. We are taking this moment to remember Bentley...Bentley Charles Nalley has impacted so many people. I'm so proud of my I. hate. it. Anxiety.That 8 letter word has become most of my life since October 17, 2011. Those 8 words have really become to define my life since losing Bentley. It isn't something that I can control either. Many people don't understand or look at me funny, but it's the truth. I have never been someone who lives in "fear" or has anxiety about events of life. You can ask my parents...I have always faced things head on, regardless consequences. Most times I wouldn't even think about the decisions that I made. Boy has life changed! I think about EVERYTHING!!!! Everything that crosses my mind, flashes a life of consequences or worst case scenarios. And, there isn't anything that I can do to stop it. Many people probably feel that I am a "debbie downer", but I have become realistic. I have lost my mind of innocence or being naive that bad things happen. Most days...I feel like I am just waiting for something to happen--for something to just take a turn for a worst. And. I. Hate. It. I don't want to live this way. I am trying really hard to leave it all at God's feet, but it is something I struggle with.
Another thing that I have been struggling with...trying to remain happy and optimistic for every pregnant girl I know. It is VERY hard. I don't want to be a "debbie downer" again, but I can't be naive to think that every person I know that's pregnant won't go through our experience. Honestly, they probably won't, but I can't promise them that. I can't tell them that I don't worry that it could. I can't tell them what the doctors say--"you're young, you're healthy". Those phrases are lies most times because you know when these types of things happen--when you're young and healthy. I have read so many stories, and they don't have to the girl who takes drugs or drinks while pregnant; they don't happen to the boyfriend who beats on their girl and child; and, it certainly doesn't happen to the person who hates children. It really seems to happen to ones who long for a child; the ones who would do anything to have their baby with them; the ones that did everything right. It is the people who you'd never think or least expect something to happen to them. So, yes, I can't look a pregnant girl in the face and tell them that everything is going to be just fine. Some may think I am wrong for that, but honestly, I don't care. I refuse to because I kind of wish just one time someone would have said--These things happen. I know that no one can "prepare" you for this type of loss, but i didn't even realize these things happened to a healthy individual. So, if you're pregnant, and you are a friend of mine...I'm sorry if I seem negative or distant when it comes to the reality of everything. Put yourself in my shoes. Walk just a second. And, then you will understand what I mean. It is really hard to be bubbly happy about pregnancy (even my own) simply because I know that three months ago I should have been welcoming Bentley into our lives physically to stay, not saying hello and good bye at the same time. So, again, I'm sorry that I can't share that happiness when mine was ripped away three months ago...it is nothing personal. It just hurts. I cry everyday because I miss Bentley. I want him to be here. I want Bentley and the baby #2 both to be here!!!! They both deserve to be physically apart of our family... I think this is enough for tonight....I'll write more later...I need to get back to blogging more often, regardless of what anyone thinks. It is something that I need to do and I need to continue to write my feelings because this loss--losing Bentley isn't a one time deal...it is something that Blake and I live each day. Every day will go further in life is another day as a reminder of the life we would have had with Bentley, so we didn't just lose Bentley on October 17 Well, another day, another dollar. Life has sort of come back and kicked it into high gear for me. I've been staying really busy considering to how I spent my last few months. I have accepted a full time position at the hospital on 5west. I was offered full time when I first came back, but I didn't know if I was ready. I feel comfortable for the most part being back in the hospital. We really have faced every hurdle head on as best we can. I will be working Mon-Fri 6:30-3. How sweet is that? No weekends, no evening! Looove it! :) Today, I worked on 4south. Wow, busy, busy, busy! It is an observation unit so it's people who are kinda in transition from ER to deciding whether to admit to hospital or short term stay. So, today was my day off, and I got called in, but it's all good. I learned some new stuff today, and it was crazy hectic. Tomorrow will be another one...I picked up a shift on a trauma unit. I am kinda nervous, so prayers def needed. So, work has really kicked back into high gear. I look back three months ago, and I would NEVER have told you that I would ever even enter the hospital, let alone go back to work and feel like I'm leaving there again. God really has carried us through this, and he still is working in our lives. I am so thankful for everyone's support through this tough time,
Blake and I are still attending counseling at Hospice and attending Labor of Love. I am really glad because I have def found hope and assurance through working through our grief. Everyone has been a huge help. And, it's really been a blessing to meet so many wonderful people lately. There are many of those people who I wish we could meet under better circumstances, but I have been given a whole new circle of friends who we all have angels in heaven waiting for us one day. I'm thankful for each of them because they truly have guided Blake and I through some of our darkest days, and I know they will help allevate some anxiety through this next pregnancy. Today, I sat down in the cafeteria for lunch, and I happened to glance over, and I saw the security officer who was working that day at the Labor and Delivery front entrance desk. My mind had a flash. I went back to that day while everyone in my family was standing in that room panicking. I know that my mom was yelling, and Blake and I were sobbing. It really seemed so chaotic because no one truly knew what was going on. I felt it all over again today. I think that's the worst part--flashes. These flashes hit me all random times, but they are intensified anytime I see someone that reminds me of that day or the actual person. I felt that panic emotions, and the heartache of just losing Bentley. I'll be honest, I kinda felt in shock all over again. It is extremely hard to deal with, and I have to tell myself--"Stephanie, it isn't happening again". I have to explain to myself that it is January 11, 2012, and that those events are not happening again. It is the most difficult thing of being in the hospital because my images are 10 times more intense than if I just saw something that triggered an emotion elsewhere. Prayers are continually needed for those moments because they certainly do bring a lot of intense emotions and it makes it difficult to make it through the day. Which speaking of which....my appointment is 5 1/2 days away! Woohoo! I am so excited. But, there is one thing....my appointment is January 17, 2012. Exactly 3 months from the day we lost Bentley. I never realized the symbolism until the other day really. Weird, huh? Bentley's heart stopped beating on October 17, 2011, and I'm hoping to be able to see baby #2's heart beating 3 months later. It is going to be a very bittersweet day. It is going to be an emotional day, and I know Blake and I need prayers everyday for that appointment. My labs and everything been looking great, but I don't take anything to chance anymore. I was told with Bentley during that very appointment on October 17, 2011--"you're young, you're healthy, I'm not worried..." then minutes later we discovered that Bentley was dead...So, don't anyone tell me because you're young and healthy or even just healthy that everything in your life is going to be okay. Don't tell me because you're having a healthy pregnancy that life is just great. Don't tell me that you'll insist the doctors check everything so this doesn't happen to you. I have learned to take nothing for granted. I take nothing for chance. I was healthy. I was young. Everything was going perfect. But, it all changed in a blink of an eye. I have heard a few people tell me, "oh, when I'm pregnant, I'll ensure that they check the cord blah blah blah". Sometimes they act like I should have known....but I couldn't have. The doctors didn't even suspect anything to be wrong. Why would something go wrong in a perfectly healthy baby and individual? It doesn't make sense. There is no WHY. So, pretty soon, I hope people start learning that there isn't always a why to everything. I am just really thankful that God provided us with a what happened. There are many families who experience this tragedy, and they are never given answers to what happened because there was no real cause--it just happened. I'm thankful that I don't have to live with that and going through another pregnancy.... Bentley is missed so much. He is loved by many, and he has changed our lives including so many others. And, I know it is just the beginning. I am so thankful for Bentley. I so wish he was here with us. I miss him every second of every day, but I know that I will see him again. He has provided me strength by giving me a reason to be better. He has inspired me, and he only lived 38 weeks...isn't that amazing? I believe the anger phase of grief has begun to set in. I'm not angry for the fact that this happened. I wished we hadn't have lost Bentley, but I think my anger has more become anger towards those that either haven't acknowledged Bentley or those that want to diminish the pain that Blake and I feel. I'm tired of certain people telling me that I need to stop "sulking" or filling out his baby book. I'm fed up with people who want to tell me to "get over Bentley". I'm tired of people thinking that their pain is worse than Blake and I. I'm simply tired of selfish people. Blake and I are doing so well.
I don't think people understand that this situation could have taken us to some DARK places. We could have taken the low road, and we could have resorted to drinking and partying. We could have become suicidal. We could have fallen in deep depression. And, you know what? GOD has intervened in our lives. He has stood firm in our lives amidst the chaos. He has held our hand through this, and he has carried us to become better individuals, and we have become a stronger couple, and we have understood what a true parent is. I will never be over Bentley. I will forever talk about Bentley in my everyday life, and I will continue to make his memory live on forever. If there is anyone who can not take that or understand, then they do not need to be apart of it. Those people who are selfish and have their own agenda's do not need to be apart of our grieving process. They do not need to feel the need to support us if you are only bringing negativity into our lives. I have decided to put my foot down. I want to get rid of the negativity. Our family doesn't need negativity. And, when I say our family--our family consists of Blake, Bailey, Bentley, baby #2, and me. We have been told that this situation can make or break a couple, and Blake and I have grown so close it isn't even funny. I can not attest that everyone else has grown closer. This experience has made us realize who is there and who isn't. This experience has lifted blinders from our eyes to notice who is selfish and who is selfless. I have realized those who truly grieve or they grieve for attention or the ones who simply have showed that they don't even care one bit. Losing Bentley has been the WORST experience of our lives, and he was a baby. He was a human being. He was FULL TERM. He weighed 6lbs 19 inches. He wasn't a ball of cells. We lost our son. We lost our LIVING son. He may not have lived a moment outside of the womb, but he was living within me. He is still my son regardless. Blake and I may have never have experienced your traditional relationship with Bentley, but we experienced 38 weeks. We experienced his life time with him. No one else. Bentley was carried in my stomach for 38 weeks. Blake is the one who held my stomach. He's the one who supported my every move. Blake's the one who came to almost every appointment along with my mom. Blake and I were the ones that purchased Bentley's toys and clothing. We were the ones that prepared everything for Bentley. We filled his room with diapers, not anyone else. And, it was Blake who held my hand from the moment we heard those awful words. It was Blake who held me while we sobbed together. It was Blake and I who stood in that room. It was Blake who stood by my side during every contraction. It was him who helped me focus when I thought the epidural was going to hurt. Blake was the one who coached me on how to breathe (along with the nurse and midwife). It was me who pushed Bentley out--dead. It was Blake and I together who held Bentley for the first time. It was our tears that were shed. We were the screaming ones. We were the one whose world shattered. It was Blake and I who signed the papers for the hospital. It is Blake and I who don't get a birth certificate for Bentley, but we receive a death certificate. It was Blake and I who planned his funeral. It is our pain. We carry this forever. Yes, others feel pain. My mother feels the pain for me because she hates to see me have to go through this, but Bentley was Blake and I's loss. We were the ones that lost Bentley. Our family members lost a grandchild; they lost a cousin or a niece or nephew. No one else carried Bentley or knew Bentley like we did. So, their pain is different. It isn't the same. And, losing Bentley has been the WORST, and it will always be the WORST. The pain doesn't go away. It is all still so unreal, but we will get through this with the power of God. We are still clinging to God because that's all we can do. So, to those that want to think their pain is greater--it isn't. Unless someone has lost their hopes and dreams in a child, then your pain isn't greater than mine. I'm not meaning selfish or rude, but its the truth. Losing a child is the classified as the worst pain. It isn't natural. It isn't supposed to be that way. I should die before my child dies. So, Blake and I will carry this pain. We will continue to lay it at Jesus' feet to make it throug I know that I have stressed this, and I know that I've preached to everyone our story, BUT I AM A MOM. BLAKE IS A DAD. I don't want to make anyone who is my family feel like I don't understand their pain of loss, but we lost our son! Seriously? You really feel like you're hurting MORE than us? There's words cut like a knife, and you know why? They cut because I should have Bentley here. I should be holding him. Blake and I should be experiencing life with Bentley and this new baby on the way. Don't tell me that your pain is worse, and don't tell other's that I need to get over it. Don't tell people that you hurt more than I do. We are Bentley's parents, no one else. And, sometimes I think people should be more thankful that they have been included. They have been included because Blake and I have been nice. I just don't understand how some people think the things they say are even right.
Seriously? I don't even think I can sit here and write too much because I'm going to be honest...I have anger forming. And, I don't want to be an angry person, but there are things that are pushing my buttons. And, I'm not stressing about this pregnancy. I'm trusting God. I gave God this pregnancy. Blake and I have been relying on him--maybe other's should too if their pain is so great. Maybe some people think I'm being rude, some may say I'm insensative, but honestly, Bentley was our hopes/dreams. He is our first born son, and he's in heaven. We don't get a life with him like most. And, Blake and I are mentally doing good. We are surviving because of God. We have our heads in the right place. so no one has to worry about us. We just simply need prayers to make it through each day, but there's no reason for worry because God has hand in our lives. I'll write more tomorrow or Monday, but I just don't understand some people's minds. I know what it's like to lose a child. I know what it's like just going to leave it at that....be apart of our lives or don't....at the end of the day....it isn't going It has been 12 weeks, and guess what? It didn't rain today. It did snow a bit, but this is the first Tuesday that it hasn't rained. Bentley just sent us very chilly, winter weather instead! It seems so unreal that it has been 12 weeks when most days I feel like it's October 18. 2011. Weird, huh? I'm sure many people are probably sick of hearing me upset about Bentley. And, I'm sure that there is some who believe that this new baby will take away that pain, but I can tell you that it won't. My desire to hold Bentley in my arms is always going to be there. My sense of security and "normal" have been tainted. The pain gets easier to deal--it doesn't go away. I see children, and I read my baby updates that I still get for Bentley, and it makes me so sad. I think about the life that we would have together. I desire all the events that death stole from us. Every time I look at a "family" photo, it will never be complete. Bentley will always be missing.
When I heard those 7 words that changed my life forever..apart of myself died that day. And, I am surviving. I am hanging on by the grace of God. He is carrying me through this storm. I'm not strong. I'm not this amazing person. I am not anything without God. God is my backbone for my strength. He has kicked it into survival mode for me, and he has given me hope. He has provided comfort and support when I've needed it most. I thank God for the people he has placed in my life--always the right time. I run into so many people who suffered a loss whether a miscarriage, stillbirth, or SIDs. I have been stressing to people that it happens more than we think. We never see this type of loss until we are affected by it. My passion is to change that. People need to know that these unimaginable, tragic events do take place. They need to know how to help those that suffer these losses. It is my goal to make Pregnancy and Infant Loss known. Every baby deserves a voice. Today was a very stressful day. It ended VERY good, but I was a nervous wreck this morning. I should have known when the car wouldn't start that today was going to be rough. A recap of today: Blake and I get awoken by Blake's dad telling us that the car won't start. Greeattt!!! They jumped it with cables, and we knew that the battery needed replaced. It was something that we both had been putting off. Well, today was the day to fix that. We decided to go ahead and get ready. I was so excited. It was Tuesday, and I'm normally NOT excited on Tuesday's since Tuesday was the day that I delivered Bentley. I guess that was my first hint that today also should be a bad day! Anyways, we left the house because I was dropping Blake off at work, going to the lab, going to get a new battery, and we desperately needed gas. After dropping Blake off at work, I went to stand in the freezing cold weather to pump gas. I hate pumping gas. Then, I decided to go ahead to the lab to get my blood work. I wanted to make sure that my blood work was back before lunch, so I went early. (Plus I had been counting down until this day--it takes me one week closer to my 1st appointment) I arrive at the lab, only to be disappointed. The lab wasn't ever received--whatever the reason--whether faxed or not faxed--it wasn't there. I won't get into great detail, but it literally took me all day to finally get the order received at the lab. Thank God the technician at the one lab went ahead and drew the lab without the order. Once I arrived there to pick up results, the tech said you can't leave until I get this order because I can get in trouble for not having the order. I said that's fine. I just really appreciate this. I explained that she had no idea how happy she had made me. I shared my story with the lab tech. I knew that I didn't need to, but i felt like I needed to. I explained to her about how I lost Bentley, and just the anxiety that I feel going into this pregnancy. She understands completely because she herself has suffered a miscarriage loss, and she has been trying to get pregnant for a year now. I am explained to her my belief is God carrying us through this awful time. This tech may not fully understand my pain, but she can relate to my desire to become a physical mother. I cried with her; I laughed with her. But, during my conversation with her the nurse from the office called me. She was letting me know about how sorry she was, and she was giving me my results. I was so happy with them. I know that I shouldn't have expected anything different, but I know what the worst thing that can happen is. And, the biggest thing is, I don't just know what can happen--I'm experiencing the worst possible thing. I was so happy to hear those results though. I immediately prayed to God. I texted Blake the results, and we both said "praise God". We both know and understand that this isn't us doing anything. I am continuing to lay this at his feet because he is still carrying us. God is way bigger than us, and he knows the plans he has for us. Our lives have seemed so chaotic, but God knows exactly where we are. He really sends the right people at the right time. I listen to Word FM, and I hear the right song exactly when I need to hear it. People seem to come out of the wood work at the very moment that I need someone. And, those things--are God. it is God that allows those divine interventions. This all still seems so unreal. There are moments that I stop and I still think..."Did this really happen?" People may think I'm crazy , and I don't care. There are just these moments where it feels like things like this don't happen to people like me. Why should this things happen? it doesn't seem fair. I can't even fully describe to anyone how this feels. It really makes you think you are losing your mind most days because it is so unrealistic. The tears I cry are a reminder to this very real event. I think about everything with Bentley. Bentley is constantly on my mind. I imagine the life we could have had, and I imagine the words I longed to say to him. I spend a good bit of time writing to him, and I talk to him. I know he is here in spirit. And, I know he can hear me. I believe that Heaven isn't as far as we think it is. I always pray to God that if I could only see what Bentley's life is like for just a split second, but I know that if I saw it, then I'd wait it forever. I'm so thankful for really everything that I have in my life, and I am thankful for the time spent with Bentley, and I am thankful for the baby growing inside of me now. I just wish Bentley was physically here to sh I've really been slacking on this updating my blog lately. Life has been quite busy. The holidays have really added a lot of stuff for us to do. We have been visiting people and hanging out and eating lots of food! Ha...gotta love the holidays! I really NEED to blog though because life gets crazy, and this blog is my place to sort my thoughts. It is a place where I come and I let everything out. This blog has become very precious to me because its a true documentation of Blake and I's journey through the loss of Bentley and where life has taken us and where life will continue to take us. Some people believe that I should blog privately or just keep thoughts to myself, but the people that believe that are wrong. They are wrong because they don't understand what this experience does to a person, and they are wrong because one day I KNOW this blog will help someone. I know that someday someone in my exact same shoes will understand, and they will relate to our journey. Those who have already empathized with my blog or have experienced a loss like ours--they get it. They realize that this is the worst pain of our lives. And, I truly believe that NO ONE can understand we feel until you have walked in our shoes. I now believe that in every aspect of life.
I believe that everyone should walk in another person's shoes or at least attempt to place yourself there because you just don't know. You just can't offer advice. And, you just can't feel sorry until you know what it is like. I feel that I depict our pain pretty well with my words that I feel it has allowed people to experience an ounce of our pain right along with us. But, as 2011 came to a close, it was quite bittersweet. One would think that I'd be ready for 2011 to come and go after losing Bentley. It isn't that way at all. I am anxious for what 2012 has to offer Blake and I or what we have to offer 2012 should I say? But, 2011 had some pretty great memories. It is in 2011 that Blake and I were pushed to the brink, and we stood firm because of Jesus. Here's a recap of my 2011: January: Blake and I moved back from Myrtle Beach, and we spent the month anxious to begin our new jobs at First Data. We are excited to be back with friends and family. We didn't really do too much because we both were off work for several weeks, so we spent most of our time relaxing. I began my first day of work on January 24, 2011 at First Data as a Senior Customer Service Rep. And, I got to meet some really great friends working there. February: Blake began working at First Data this month. He had his first day like February 8th or 9th. Blake and I conceived on February 7th :) with Bentley. And, we spent this month busy working and relaxing. I spent most of it sleeping a good bit because little did I know that on February 24, 2011 I took a home pregnancy test, and it was POSITIVE! I was pregnant with Bentley. We quickly began preparing for our baby to come. I believe we went shopping that very weekend. I remember my phone call to Capital Women's Care. It went something like this: Me: Hello, yes I am calling because I just took a HPT and it was a very faint plus sign. Do you think I'm pregnant? Receptionist: Congratulations...blah blah....asking me a few questions Me: Are you sure you think it's positive? I mean it's a really faint pink line....it isn't anything like the TV shows Receptionist: Is it a plus sign? If it's a plus sign, then you are pregnant! Me: Yeah....it is...but I don't know...it is just very faint! lol Haha DUMB me....I just wanted to make sure.... March--I have my first prenatal appointment and I am given a due date of October 31, 2011. :) Blake and I had been busy planning our wedding for the next month. We were starting 2011 out great. We were getting married...we were having a baby...During March, I spent a lot of time reading and shopping for Bentley. I was eating healthy and just getting ready to be a mom. April- WE GOT MARRIED THIS MONTH!!!!!!! :) April 29, 2011 :) We had an amazing wedding, and we went to FL for our honeymoon which took us into May. I got to celebrate my wedding pregnant. Many people may not enjoy that or think that's annoying, but I didn't mind one bit, and I now think it's so cool that Bentley got to be apart of our special day. May: We got back from our honeymoon....anxiously awaiting our June appointment because that is when I'd learn if we were having a boy or a girl. I was determined that I wanted to know by the Kid's Stuff Yardsale. :) Silly me! But, I wanted to get good deals, and I wanted to know what we were shopping for. And, it was in May of 2011 that I got a job at Meritus Medical Center. I had been trying to get a job there for quite sometime. I started there on May 30, 2011. June: We learned in June that our baby growing in my stomach was going to be a BOY!! We were so excited. I will never forget that day. I can see that moment just like it was yesterday. It was a great day on June 10,2011. And, the best part....the Kid's Stuff Yardsale was June 11th...I found out just in time!!! :) I celebrated my 24th birthday this month, and I'm thankful that I get to spend it with Bentley in my stomach. July: MILE LONG YARD SALE IN MAUGANSVILLE. Need I say more?? I was like 26 weeks pregnant and we walked like 20 miles....we got Bentley so many things during this time--such great deals! I can tell you though, only day of my pregnancy that I was literally exhausted and like over heated! lol August: I feel like all I did in August was work. WORK. WORK WORK. And, more preparing for Bentley. Every weekend Blake and I yard saled. I had probably rearranged Bentley's room 50 times by this point and washed his clothes at least 5 times lol September: VERY long month. It just wanted October to come. I just was so looking forward to meeting Bentley. I was finally starting to really look pregnant. It was during September that I had two baby showers. October: Changed my life forever....the first two week of October...I spent everyday walking and preparing for Bentley. My bag had been packed since September, not even kidding. I honestly didn't have a lot to do in October to prepare for Bentley--everything was ready. Doctor's appointments were great. I was feeling awesome...then October 17th came and changed our lives from that moment on...I delivered Bentley on October 18, 2011. I said hello and goodbye to Bentley... November: Just one big blur...but we spent it taking one day at a time...grieving the loss of Bentley.... December: Blake and I missing Bentley everday....but we conceived baby #2 on December 4th...God gave us a blessing just in time for Christmas. Bentley sent us a gift....and now here I am. Here is January 2012...what does this year have for us? I have no clue, but I know that we have decided to take one day at a time. I am laying each new day at the foot of the cross. I am thanking God for every moment that I get to spend with baby #2. I am giving Him our lives. I am giving Him everything that Blake and I have, and our desire to fully rely on Him for everything. This clearly is a quick synopsis of our lives...God has blessed us with all the ups and downs of our lives, and I see Him carrying us into the New Year. I wouldn't be standing without Jesus....not a day goes by that I don't know that I'm standing here because of Him. Praying for continued strength and perseverance. Bentley....you changed my entire life in 2011. :) Mommy loves you so much! |
AuthorWe are going through a very difficult journey-My husband (Blake) and I (Steph) lost our baby boy at 38 weeks. His name is Bentley Charles Nalley. This is a blog to help sort out our grief and express how we feel. Archives
June 2015
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