Another work day has come and gone. Another day closer to meeting Bentley again, another day to the anticpation of Mr. Chase in August. Bittersweet. Anxious. Nervous. Scared. Sad. Excited. Happy. A few of the emotions we experience on a daily basis. Every happy moment is quickly a slap in the face that our precious Bentley isn't here to share the joy of the moment. Life just has never been the same since the doctor uttered those awful words. Those words that have forever shaped my daily life. The words that no mother or father should ever have to hear. It is completely unnatural for a parent to burry a child. It's even more unnatural to say hello to your child and goodbye at the same time.
I know that many people believe that it's been 8 months, that we are pregnant again, so we should just count our blessings for what we have, but I can assure you that it doesn't fix grief. There is no "fix" to grief. We are learning to live with grief, but it isn't just us that needs to learn to live with grief, but everyone else around us needs to learn. They need to learn that we aren't the same people. We are going to have happy days, and we are going to have sad days. Grief is not a quick fix. There is no time frame for healing. Grief comes and goes. So, those that are standing by us through this journey, please don't rush us. Please don't tell me that I should be over it, or that we should be happy now. Bentley is not here. Our firstborn child who was perfectly healthy is not here. What is natural about that? Absolutely nothing at all.
Blake and I are constantly thinking about how our lives should be, and our reality of how truly different our lives are. I can't even touch on the pain and heartache that I watch Blake experience everyday, and I know that he watches me everyday. We both are struggling through this journey, and we both need support. We need people to call us and ask how are doing. We need people to recognize that this life isn't easy. I don't ever want to sound like I want a pity party or anything because I surely do not. To behonest, if you don't geniunely care or are more concerned to be nosey or you simply don't recognize the pain we experience, then I'd rather you just turn the other cheek completely. I know that during the 8 months more people have walked out of our lives than I ever imagined in a millon years. And, the people that walked away, family included. There are friends and family that I thought would be right there to cry with us, to laugh with us, to check in with us, but there are some that have just run the other way. Or they just simply want to gossip about us. Or they want to make their situations in life seem like they are far greater when they aren't experiencing anything like the death of their son. For those people, I don't have the time or energy to fight for our friendship or relationship in a our family. I don't want to say it isn't worth it, but ultimately it isn't worth it. Losing Bentley is far too great of a loss that the petty things in life has really just flown out the window. Life is just too short, so some battles we have found just aren't worth it. You are either there or you are not. When the going gets tough, you discover who your close friends/family are.
Obviously, losing Bentley has really given me a different outlook on life, and I know this is something I never imagined that I would be experiencing at the age of 24. I anticipated that my life would be so different. I never ever realized that Blake and I would be two different types of parents: parent's of a child in heaven, and parent's of physical children. But, a different aspect that I am learning is that God chose us. God chose to give us Bentley. He gave us Bentley for a purpose--a purpose that I fully haven't even learned yet. Bentley was our gift, not a gift for a lifetime, but his presence and life has impacted us forever. I carried him for 38 weeks. I carried him straight to heaven's door. He had no suffering. He experienced no pains of this life. He lived the perfect life. As selfish as I would love to be, and I know that Blake and I would have taken the best care for him that we could ever imagined, but I know that God had a plan for his life. It doesn't make sense, and I don't think we can ever comprehend it, but I know that Bentley may be living in heaven, but his life in his my daily life. And, he holds Blake's hand and mine. We feel him here with us. I know that when I look around I feel blessed to call Bentley my son, regardless the world's mindset. Bentley changed my life, andI am living my life to honor our son. Blake and I will forever cherish those memories and moments with Bentley, and no one can take them from us. I can not wait to see him again, but I know he is safe. I know that God has promised that we will see him again. One day we will meet again, and it will be the most joyous reunion.
What are Blake and I doing here to honor Bentley? How are we wanting to make a difference? Well, we have been asked by Faces of Loss/Faces of Hope, a national organization to be the group area leaders for the Hagerstown district. This group is a individuals, families, couples, relatives, and friends affected by the loss of a pregnancy/infant. We have begun the initial stages of creating the group. And, we still plan activities/events/funraisers to honor our babies that are gone too soon. We want to have a support system for families and friends that when everyone else stops talking about their baby, that we will always remember. I don't care if 2 show up or 50 shows up--we will be there to support and remember. We are doing a kick off event on July 2nd at Hagerstown City Park to let balloon goes for our babies and have a get together. It will be the first of many events to come. Our babies will not be forgotten. Our group will also focus on dads because they grieve too. And, we will focus on mothers going through pregnancy after a loss. I know that I've met moms who have experienced a loss and then a pregnancy afterwards, and they understand the tough times and the heartaches and the emotions, and it has been so helpful for that support. But, we also have those who have just experienced a loss so far, and it is difficult to balance everything because I don't want to push my pregnancy in people's faces, and they can't truly support me if they are still angry with people who are pregnant, so I feel that there is a need to have people to support a pregnancy after loss.
Well, that is my rant for today. :) Thank you for continuing to read. I will try to write more. Some days it is just too much to write out all the emotions/feelings.
I know that many people believe that it's been 8 months, that we are pregnant again, so we should just count our blessings for what we have, but I can assure you that it doesn't fix grief. There is no "fix" to grief. We are learning to live with grief, but it isn't just us that needs to learn to live with grief, but everyone else around us needs to learn. They need to learn that we aren't the same people. We are going to have happy days, and we are going to have sad days. Grief is not a quick fix. There is no time frame for healing. Grief comes and goes. So, those that are standing by us through this journey, please don't rush us. Please don't tell me that I should be over it, or that we should be happy now. Bentley is not here. Our firstborn child who was perfectly healthy is not here. What is natural about that? Absolutely nothing at all.
Blake and I are constantly thinking about how our lives should be, and our reality of how truly different our lives are. I can't even touch on the pain and heartache that I watch Blake experience everyday, and I know that he watches me everyday. We both are struggling through this journey, and we both need support. We need people to call us and ask how are doing. We need people to recognize that this life isn't easy. I don't ever want to sound like I want a pity party or anything because I surely do not. To behonest, if you don't geniunely care or are more concerned to be nosey or you simply don't recognize the pain we experience, then I'd rather you just turn the other cheek completely. I know that during the 8 months more people have walked out of our lives than I ever imagined in a millon years. And, the people that walked away, family included. There are friends and family that I thought would be right there to cry with us, to laugh with us, to check in with us, but there are some that have just run the other way. Or they just simply want to gossip about us. Or they want to make their situations in life seem like they are far greater when they aren't experiencing anything like the death of their son. For those people, I don't have the time or energy to fight for our friendship or relationship in a our family. I don't want to say it isn't worth it, but ultimately it isn't worth it. Losing Bentley is far too great of a loss that the petty things in life has really just flown out the window. Life is just too short, so some battles we have found just aren't worth it. You are either there or you are not. When the going gets tough, you discover who your close friends/family are.
Obviously, losing Bentley has really given me a different outlook on life, and I know this is something I never imagined that I would be experiencing at the age of 24. I anticipated that my life would be so different. I never ever realized that Blake and I would be two different types of parents: parent's of a child in heaven, and parent's of physical children. But, a different aspect that I am learning is that God chose us. God chose to give us Bentley. He gave us Bentley for a purpose--a purpose that I fully haven't even learned yet. Bentley was our gift, not a gift for a lifetime, but his presence and life has impacted us forever. I carried him for 38 weeks. I carried him straight to heaven's door. He had no suffering. He experienced no pains of this life. He lived the perfect life. As selfish as I would love to be, and I know that Blake and I would have taken the best care for him that we could ever imagined, but I know that God had a plan for his life. It doesn't make sense, and I don't think we can ever comprehend it, but I know that Bentley may be living in heaven, but his life in his my daily life. And, he holds Blake's hand and mine. We feel him here with us. I know that when I look around I feel blessed to call Bentley my son, regardless the world's mindset. Bentley changed my life, andI am living my life to honor our son. Blake and I will forever cherish those memories and moments with Bentley, and no one can take them from us. I can not wait to see him again, but I know he is safe. I know that God has promised that we will see him again. One day we will meet again, and it will be the most joyous reunion.
What are Blake and I doing here to honor Bentley? How are we wanting to make a difference? Well, we have been asked by Faces of Loss/Faces of Hope, a national organization to be the group area leaders for the Hagerstown district. This group is a individuals, families, couples, relatives, and friends affected by the loss of a pregnancy/infant. We have begun the initial stages of creating the group. And, we still plan activities/events/funraisers to honor our babies that are gone too soon. We want to have a support system for families and friends that when everyone else stops talking about their baby, that we will always remember. I don't care if 2 show up or 50 shows up--we will be there to support and remember. We are doing a kick off event on July 2nd at Hagerstown City Park to let balloon goes for our babies and have a get together. It will be the first of many events to come. Our babies will not be forgotten. Our group will also focus on dads because they grieve too. And, we will focus on mothers going through pregnancy after a loss. I know that I've met moms who have experienced a loss and then a pregnancy afterwards, and they understand the tough times and the heartaches and the emotions, and it has been so helpful for that support. But, we also have those who have just experienced a loss so far, and it is difficult to balance everything because I don't want to push my pregnancy in people's faces, and they can't truly support me if they are still angry with people who are pregnant, so I feel that there is a need to have people to support a pregnancy after loss.
Well, that is my rant for today. :) Thank you for continuing to read. I will try to write more. Some days it is just too much to write out all the emotions/feelings.