It's been almost 4 years since Bentley died. Wow. It seems so long ago yet it feels like yesterday. We've had such an incredible journey over these 4 years and we have grown in so many ways. I truly feel like a completely transformed person. When you experience a loss, any type of loss, there is transformation that takes place, but one thing I have experienced from Bentley's death is that it truly takes you to the brink of your being. Everything you once knew, changes. It flips your universe. And you are left wondering who you are, why this has happened, and where will you go from here. You start over completely again.
When a baby dies, it is so unnatural. Parents aren't to bury their children. We have no physical memories. We have nothing to really depend on other than what should have been. It's a mind battle. Imagine yourself having a millon dreams of yourself and the goals and dreams you'd accomplish but in an instant those dreams aren't just not there... They vanish. They become something of the past because there is nothing in front of you. There's no one to even make those memories with, and there's no one to replace them either.
I have experienced two rainbow pregnancies. I never anticipated that they'd replace Bentley nor did I ever just want to. That void of our first born is still missing. While I have grown in my grief and I am blessed for my life. My life- is not the life I ever imagined. Each day is a learning experience. It's learning how to incorporate our life into the life we dreamed it to be.
I've focused mostly on happiness. I just want happiness despite any down falls. I want to enjoy life. So it has been my theme of this year. And despite any challenges we've been encountering , I refuse to let negativity flood my thoughts but rather embrace life's challenges and fight back. :) fight to be happy. We deserve it.
In this journey, I've met so many incredible people, and I've met people who've been weights in our lives. They've brought us down and they have hurt us. And I have been working to let that go. Not let the Hurt go persay, but let those people and things go that cause negativity. I've learned that in this loss journey, yes, we become a new circle of friends, but I know that just because we lost babies- does not make us instant best buds. We have different beliefs, up bringings, stories and futures.
But I am thankful for the blessings we've met along this way. I never thought I'd find happiness. Happiness in my children, my family , and my friends, and my work life. And while things aren't always easy... Happiness is here. And it is here to stay. I've overcome so much. And I'm thankful for this life.