Many are probably thinking why was today so hard? No, this isn't really a signifcant date calendar wise or anything, but today when I got called into work, I decided to use the side entrance. The entrance near the ER. The entrance I used to use all the time...until October 19th. I stopped using this entrance on October 19th because it is the way that I was discharged from the hospital. Walking that hallway everyday and standing by that curb knowing that room 2101 was right above me was not comforting. So, I had found new ways to enter the hospital on the opposite side, so that I did not have to go that way, but I thought I could do it today. In my mind, I figured, it has been 5 months, almost 6 months--I'll be okay. WRONG! I parked the car, and I walked towards the curb, and I began to have a lump in my chest, and my heart began to pound. It literally felt like it was pounding out of my body. My eyes were filling with tears. I almost turned and ran the other way. I wanted to call and say "Nope I can't work today." But, I walked through. The images came...I hated leaving that hospital without Bentley. Then, I began to see Blake. I pictured Blake's face in that hospital room 2101, sitting in the window looking so lost and so upset. And, I began to let the tears stream down my face. I quickly ran into the closest bathroom, so I didn't have to have anyone stop and ask me what was wrong or if I needed anything.
When I think about that day...it breaks my heart all over having to watch Blake go through the very same pain. I really can't explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it. We both were going through this together, so we both were feeling our own pain plus feeling the pain for each other. It is awful. I mean, I can't really describe the pain that I get just remember the look in Blake's eyes. I will NEVER forget the images from those days, and I don't just mean delivery. I mean the entire thing from the 4:10pm at Capital Women's Care on October 17th until now. I have flashes of all different kinds of things plus flashes of my pregnancy with Bentley. Now those are good memories...but then they are always backed by sadness. Needless to say, Blake and I both have struggled this week and both of us today. I am so thankful for Blake. I am thankful that he loves me, and he loves Bentley and Chase and even Bailey so much. I couldn't ask for a better husband and father to our children. It breaks me heart because each time I look into Blake's eyes I see that pain that pain of losing Bentley. He was so involved in my pregnancy, and he was so excited for Bentley to come that I hate that it was taken from us. i hate that we both have to experience this. I just wish we could undo it. I wish there was a genie, and I got three wishes because each wish would be that Bentley be here with us physically. We miss him so much. Words can't even begin to describe. I hear from a lot of people who just don't understand. They want us to be positive. They want us to not be sad anymore. They just don't understand the magnitude of our loss. And, you know, I try so hard to not get upset about it. I try so hard to grin and bear it, but it is difficult, but I have decided and I have come to the conclusion that I don't care. I'm not going to spend my time being upset or hurting inside because the ones that I thought would be there aren't. I am going to simply say that it is their loss, not mine. I'm just so thankful for Blake, God, our church family, my mom and dad, Blake's parents, and my supportive friends (they know who they are)...they are what has gotten me through...pushing forward, but I am never forgetting...
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Ahhhh...Bentley should be here. I shouldn't have to sit here and think of creative ways to memorialize Bentley at Easter. We should be getting Easter pictures, and we should be planning on Easter celebration, not missing our son from an important holiday. :( But, I will share my idea for what we are doing. And, you will some pics to come soon!
Blake and I purchased two Easter baskets for Bentley. One basket for the house, and the other for his grave. Some may ask why...what's the point? He will never get to see it. But, oh well. We are creating an Easter basket with some odds and ends to place on his grave to make it look nice and pretty, and the basket we purchased for the house will be Bentley's Easter basket. Inside this basket, I have some eggs that will have pieces of paper inside of them. We will write reasons why we love Bentley, memories that we had with Bentley, or maybe something we wished we had gotten to do with Bentley written inside these eggs. Just alittle something to include him in our holidays. I have a basket for him and for Chase. Gotta do what I gotta do my boys! Many people may wonder why I do these things, but I do them because I love Bentley. I would have offered Bentley the world if he were still here. I'd do anything for him. And, I still plan to live that way. I plan to live for my precious little Bentley. I plan to honor him in everything I do. I plan to make him proud. I want him to stand up there and say, "That's my parents!" :) I love being able to do little things for Bentley whether it be keeping his grave look nice or finding memtos that keep his memory alive. Which is honestly what it boils down to...I need his memory kept alive. Bentley is our heart and our sole. He is our driving force that has pushed us to where we are now. God gave us Bentley, and i don't plan to ever be ungrateful for those 38 weeks that we had with him, and i will continue to make the most of what I can to memorialize him! I love Bentley so much, and I'll do anything for him. I've really been slacking on blogging, and I keep saying that I am going to get better at it. Have I? NOPE! I think I've discovered why it has suddenly become more difficult to write. It is difficult because the only people who truly understand are people who have experienced what we are experiencing with our journey with Bentley, and whether most of our friends and family say it or not, most things we do seem unnatural to many, and they seem bizarre I'm sure. But, it is our "new normal". Many people never tell me to stop talking about Bentley. No body really comes out and says, "get over it", but I feel that way most days. I feel that many people have those thoughts when they realize that October 17th seems like yesterday most days. I guess when it boils down to it, I feel that many people believe that we just have to move on. And, I WILL NOT move on from Bentley. I never will. And, people who haven't experienced the loss of a child do not understand that. It does not mean that we dwell on it. It means we can move forward, but we never get over it. We never can be "us" again. Life is forever changed.
Everything is so different now because we are experiencing a life of what should be. I am pregnant, yes, but I shouldn't have to be. I should be able to enjoy Bentley. I am so thankful for the pregnancy, and Baby Chase, please do not get me wrong. But, 1. SHOCK & DENIAL-You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase. 3. ANGER & BARGAINING-Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back") 4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 5. THE UPWARD TURN-As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly. 6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her. 7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward. Now....before anyone reads this and says, "well, Steph you should be on stage 3 or 4 or 5 or wherever someone feels that we need to be"...I want everyone to know that these stages can be several at once, one at a time, or you can start with stage 7 and go backwards. I don't necessarily agree with each stage exactly, and I don't believe that each person's journey when handling these stages are the same, and I truly believe that some stages can be repeated before making it to the next one. And, I think that it can vary with the length of time you spend in each stage. There is no time frame truly for grief. So...why do i write this? Why do I explain it? I explain it because today and this past weekend...I really feel like I've experienced possibly all these stages at one time or another in the last several days. I have tried really hard to let go of anger. I have told myself that I do not want to be an angry person, and I don't, and I refuse to let myself become a bitter person filled with hatred that I can not see past antyhing. But, I am finding that anger is truly something necessary when grieving. I give my anger to God, and I am relying on Him to continue to carry me through, but I do understand that it is okay to be angry. It is okay to be this way. We lost our son. I texted Blake today while at work. I said, "you know...sometimes I just want to scream at people who are pregnant. I want to tell people who have children that they need to count their blessings. I want to just snap" He agreed. It's natural. It isn't selfish, and it isn't wrong. I want Bentley here. We want to have our son. Bentley should be here. There is no reason that he was taken so early. There truly is no answer to the why, and it makes me soooooo very angry when I look at someone who has children and could careless abou them. It also makes me angry when I look at my friends and family have children, and I just want to say "THAT SHOULD BE ME!" And, you know it isn't wrong of me to think that. Some may think it is...but I wish it was me. I wish I was enduring the effects of the labor after pains. I wish I had the sleepless nights because Bentley was keeping me up all night. I wish that I was running to monthly doctor's appts for check ups for Bentley. I wish that I got to hold him in my arms, and I wish that he just was simply here physically with me. I don't want to sound ungrateful. I understand that myself being pregnant is a blessing. It truly is a privledge. My heart literally aches for those who long to be parents, but have not have the opportunity or they are still waiting for the opportunity. I count my blessings, so please no one think that I am being ungrateful. I am so THANKFUL for being pregnant. I am so happy that I have baby Chase on the way, but I can attest that it DOES NOT make losing Bentley acceptable. It doesn't replace him. It doesn't make me miss him any less. I HATE that look that I see in someone's else when they are excited for their first pregnancy. I witnessed it tonight. He says, "oh, I'm grown up now...I got a baby due in like the next month". And, he just had that happiness, that innocence. I miss that. We don't have that anymore. I wish that Bentley was here more than anything. I wish we were experiencing this pregnancy together physically. I'd do anything to bring him back...anything at all. But, now in life, I hold my breathe. I hold my breathe for 9 months. My life consists of avoiding the question, "How many children do you have?" It consists of dodging people who I know don't know what happened or those that they do know but they can't seem to stop talking about it. Our lives consist of every happy moment backed by a sad one knowing that Bentley is missing from our "happy moment". There isn't ANYTHING in our lives that don't involve the sadness and happiness that surrounds our precious baby boy Bentley. Well, I guess this is enough rant for now...I guess the gist of this is probably I feel angry. I feel angry that I have to live this "new normal" life. I feel angry that Blake and I have to carry this pain forever. It breaks my heart even more when I think forever. Forever seems so long. I am angry not that I wish this upon someone else, but I don't wish this upon anyone. I am angry that people don't understand our frustrations. I am angry that people don't understand the severity of our pain. I am angry that Bentley was taken too soon..... Well, another day has come and gone, another week has passed us by, and here in a week, another month will have passed us by too. :( In a week, Bentley would have been 5 months. Wow. Where does time go? Seriously, most days, it feels like this all just happened yesterday or even today. There is no fabrications to that either. Blake and I are constantly stuck on those words...I'm sorry Stephanie, there is no heart beat. Those words changed our lives. I know many may say, "Steph, move on from that phrase." But, you know parents who have lost a child, you are stuck there forever. Those words define every aspect of my life, and it isn't wrong that they do. I honestly have thought about every aspect of my life differently since Bentley passed away. I have an entire different perception of life and what life means. I don't view anything with blinders, and I know that no one is promised tomorrow. I get that things happen out of our control, and I somewhat accept it all. It doesn't make me a negative person...it makes me a person who suffered such a great loss that it has now reshaped our thinkings. It has made us more cautious and understanding. It really has stripped the innocence of life from us--forever.
I don't think people understand that yes, Blake and I continue to live with this forever, but it is an everyday thing. Everyday we are having to tell someone what happened or answer to someone. We are reliving it constantly. And, it isn't always because we are stuck on that day. It is because we run into people every where we go. So what are we to do? Hide away in our homes? Another major thing of having a child die...you don't just lose your child. You lose your innocence, friends, family, life, and hopes and dreams. You meet new people and lose those who you thought would be there. You gain a new group of friends--a group of friends who understand your loss from personal experience. There are many days that I feel like I live a completely different life than many of my friends or family. It is completely unnatural to lose a child. No parent should have to bury their child. Ever. Blake and I went to the doctors office the other day, and we spoke to the staff. Wow, that was difficult. It was definately a good experience though. I really think I conveyed my feelings to the staff, and I don't believe there was many dry eyes in that room. It was difficult to talk to them since this was such a close to heart talk, but I felt a sigh of relief afterwards too. I feel that it helped me come to terms with everything. I was able to explain to the staff what I thought could have been better, and I was able to hear my nurses perspective of that day who was my triage nurse, and I was able to visualize put a face to the loss of Bentley. Tears streamed down my face, but I was able to truly show them my pain and sorrow, but my willingness to help others. My desire is that if just one thing out of my story can ever help someone else, then Bentley's life has been giving yet another meaning. I know his life has meaning, but I know that his precious life is touching so many, and I plan to help make that happen. I want to be a voice for those that went to heaven too soon. I know I've slacked on the blogging lately. Don't think I fell off the face of the earth...we've been moving and whatnot, so life been a little busy, but I will be updating more often now that we are getting situated. I miss Bentley so much everyday, and I know Blake does too. We have our ups and downs, but I will constantly tell everyone. I stand here because of Jesus. He is carrying us through, and He gives us strength and the power to push forward. And, I know that Bentley is in heaven telling everyone "That's my mommy and daddy". I know that Bentley is proud, and we want to continue to make Bentley prou |
AuthorWe are going through a very difficult journey-My husband (Blake) and I (Steph) lost our baby boy at 38 weeks. His name is Bentley Charles Nalley. This is a blog to help sort out our grief and express how we feel. Archives
June 2015
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