Life just isn't fair. It sucks. It really sucks. Everywhere I look, there is some memory or something sparked in my mind that makes me miss Bentley just wishes that he was here. I take a look around at life, and I find myself becoming jealous, envious, or angry that someone else has their child and gets those moments. I don't wish this life upon anymore. I really don't. I HATE that these things happen....I really do. I so wish that losing your child was something you could prevent. I wish it was something that NEVER happened. It literally is the worst pain to have to bare. Life just wasn't taken from Blake and I the day we found out Bentley's heart wasn't beating--it's everyday of our lives. It is every moment that brings a smile, turned sad because we are missing an important part to our family.
I look at facebook, and I love using facebook to update people about my pregnancy with Chase and our journey with Bentley, but it also hurts so bad. I feel like I just need to delete half of my facebook and I only feel the need to do that because it is so hard to log in and watch all the happy moments of everyone's lives. I don't want to be this way, but it is very hard not to be this way. I just HATE that Bentley isn't here. I hate that I won't ever get his 6 months with him, or his first "mommy" or "daddy" or his first steps. I won't ever get to see him crawl, and I won't ever get throw him a birthday party, ect. I could list here for hours going on and on about how much i want all these events that I will never get to have. We have been robbed of a lifetime of events. I guess what makes me the most angry is that I look around, and I see people that I know truly in my opinion don't deserve the gift of life that God has given them. I am not the person to judge, but I have my own opinion and thoughts. It angers me to watch someone complain about having to care for their child even if they are overwhelmed or burdened down. It angers me to hear that a mother took drugs whether presciption or illegal drugs during a pregnancy but yet ending her pregnancy with a healthy baby. And, it especially makes me angry when their baby has something wrong with them because my heart breaks for the life that baby is going to endure because their mother is selfish. The list again could go on of the things that anger me.
I don't really expect anyone to understand unless they have lost a child themselves, but this life is hard. It is harder than many may understand. I appreciate those who try to understand. There are no words to even describe. I just was telling my mom...I hate to even watch TV. I typically don't. I was off work for afew days due to being sick, and I spent most of those days in bed. In silence. I didn't have the TV on. I really don't enjoy watching TV. I don't want to watch some reality show of someone having the perfect ending when most of TV and movies are completely bogus. Life isn't portrayed as it is on TV or movies. A mother and father who have lost a child walks a nightmare for life, even on someone's worst nightmare while sleeping--a parent who losses a child walks that reality of a nightmare everyday times 10.
When will it stop? NEVER! We carry this pain and heartache forever...it just isn't fair. I hate that behind every smile theres a tear. A tear that no one sees, only a grieving mother or father sees that pain. I see that pain in every parent who has lost a child. I can feel their pain. I understand that when they look into my eyes and talk with me that they truly understand. I just wish that I could close my eyes and this all be one big nightmare.......
I look at facebook, and I love using facebook to update people about my pregnancy with Chase and our journey with Bentley, but it also hurts so bad. I feel like I just need to delete half of my facebook and I only feel the need to do that because it is so hard to log in and watch all the happy moments of everyone's lives. I don't want to be this way, but it is very hard not to be this way. I just HATE that Bentley isn't here. I hate that I won't ever get his 6 months with him, or his first "mommy" or "daddy" or his first steps. I won't ever get to see him crawl, and I won't ever get throw him a birthday party, ect. I could list here for hours going on and on about how much i want all these events that I will never get to have. We have been robbed of a lifetime of events. I guess what makes me the most angry is that I look around, and I see people that I know truly in my opinion don't deserve the gift of life that God has given them. I am not the person to judge, but I have my own opinion and thoughts. It angers me to watch someone complain about having to care for their child even if they are overwhelmed or burdened down. It angers me to hear that a mother took drugs whether presciption or illegal drugs during a pregnancy but yet ending her pregnancy with a healthy baby. And, it especially makes me angry when their baby has something wrong with them because my heart breaks for the life that baby is going to endure because their mother is selfish. The list again could go on of the things that anger me.
I don't really expect anyone to understand unless they have lost a child themselves, but this life is hard. It is harder than many may understand. I appreciate those who try to understand. There are no words to even describe. I just was telling my mom...I hate to even watch TV. I typically don't. I was off work for afew days due to being sick, and I spent most of those days in bed. In silence. I didn't have the TV on. I really don't enjoy watching TV. I don't want to watch some reality show of someone having the perfect ending when most of TV and movies are completely bogus. Life isn't portrayed as it is on TV or movies. A mother and father who have lost a child walks a nightmare for life, even on someone's worst nightmare while sleeping--a parent who losses a child walks that reality of a nightmare everyday times 10.
When will it stop? NEVER! We carry this pain and heartache forever...it just isn't fair. I hate that behind every smile theres a tear. A tear that no one sees, only a grieving mother or father sees that pain. I see that pain in every parent who has lost a child. I can feel their pain. I understand that when they look into my eyes and talk with me that they truly understand. I just wish that I could close my eyes and this all be one big nightmare.......