“Stephanie and Blake, I’m sorry, Bentley’s heart is not beating.” Those words have echoed over and over again in my mind since October 17, 2011. We arrived at a 38 week routine OB appointment, assuming that labor would be coming soon, only to walk away shattered, heartbroken, and confused. My husband, Blake, and I lost our firstborn son, Bentley Charles Nalley, due to a nuchal cord times three around his neck. I went to the hospital and delivered our son stillborn. It was the hardest thing that I have ever faced in my entire life, and I certainly do not wish upon even my worst enemy. In those moments of chaos, we had no clue what in the world God had in store for us, but we knew that our journey in life was never going to be the same. The only thing that was certain that somehow someway God was going to carry us through.
We left the hospital a few days later a completely different couple—a couple with a changed outlook on life. Blake and I began to live our “new normal”. We made a decision to give everything to God. We knew that we had no idea why this had happened, and we understood that we probably never would know until heaven. Bentley’s life may have been brief, but it has left such a mark on the lives of our friends, family, strangers, and especially us. Our doctor’s explained that there was no medical reason that we needed to wait to conceive again. They explained that grief and pregnancy are two tough paths to cross especially in the first year, but we both seemed in the right mental state that we could be the only ones to decide when we were ready. Our doctor’s assured us that they would help do whatever they could to comfort us during this horrific time. Both of us knew that nothing would ever replace our firstborn son. We understood that everything in life would be bittersweet, but we had that parental instinct that every parent has. We longed to be physical parents. Again, we were at a crossroads within weeks after burying Bentley. Should we try frantically to conceive again or wait?
I truly believe this question is something that most parents ask themselves after losing a child. We both knew we wanted to be parents, but we also knew that we didn’t want to make that decision solely on our own. We began to pray to God. We knew he was carrying us through because we were putting one foot in front of the other—functioning. Blake and I prayed to God that if he chose to bless us with another child that it would be in His timing. I do not believe that I ever truly understood true faith until that moment. We were pushed to the ledge of our faith. We had a choice to hold on or let go, and sometimes holding on hasn’t made sense, but God has always been in control. Two months from Bentley’s death, December 18, 2011, Blake and I were at the store purchasing a pregnancy test. The life of living on pins and needles had begun.
Our pregnancy test was positive. God had answered our first prayer—we had conceived again. I believe that was the first hurdle when dealing with a rainbow pregnancy. Our “new normal” of pins and needles began. In those moments of realizing we were indeed pregnant, I cannot describe the emotions that overcame both of us. We were thrilled to be pregnant again; we were scared to be pregnant again. It was all so bittersweet. Two words to describe a pregnancy after a loss: bittersweet and a roller coaster. Again, our faith in God grew stronger because we knew that there was no way we were going to continue to put one foot in front of the other without His help. Lab draws, doctor’s appointments, and sonograms all began in those initial weeks of this pregnancy, but the agonizing wait of 9 long months seemed unbearable.
Blake and I have discovered that having a doctor’s office that is compassionate and sensitive to our loss of Bentley is crucial to surviving the pregnancy. We sat down in our first trimester with the head OB doctor of our practice and explained what we needed from the office. Our office has allowed us to come every two weeks for OB appointments. They have understood that we walk on pins and needles every day. Our innocence of pregnancy has been stripped away, and we need support to move forward. God has placed the right doctors, nurses, and other support in our lives when we’ve needed it the most. We are currently twenty seven weeks pregnant with our second child, Chase Bentley Nalley. There have been two things that have allowed us to get to this point—a strong support system, and most importantly God. In a pregnancy after a loss, these two have been our saving grace. They have allowed us to ride this roller coaster of emotions because this pregnancy has been full of ups and downs emotionally. It is a tug-a-war with heart and mind. We are faced with the “what should have been” and our reality—our horrible nightmare, but we are carrying a blessing at the very same time. One thing that I truly believe God promises us that He will never give us more than we can handle. One verse that gives us comfort is Psalms 30:5; it states, “…Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.”
God is carrying us through. He is going to give us joy in the morning. And, our joy is anticipating to arrive the beginning of August 2012. In the next few months, I know that this grief journey and anticipation of the ending weeks of this pregnancy are not going to be easy, but we look forward to that joy that God promises us. Bentley’s precious life has taught my husband and I so much in the thirty eight weeks that he lived inside my womb, but he has taught us so much more in the seven months since his death. Our firstborn will never be replaced, and we inherited a whole bunch more anxieties, but we have been far more blessed than I had initially imagined. Our sons both have a purpose in life, and their lives each have a meaning. Cling to God and surround yourself with positive support and give it all to God—He will carry you through. . Chase, my rainbow, is our hope for the joy that comes in the morning.
Stephanie Nalley
In loving memory of
Bentley Charles Nalley
October 18, 2011
We left the hospital a few days later a completely different couple—a couple with a changed outlook on life. Blake and I began to live our “new normal”. We made a decision to give everything to God. We knew that we had no idea why this had happened, and we understood that we probably never would know until heaven. Bentley’s life may have been brief, but it has left such a mark on the lives of our friends, family, strangers, and especially us. Our doctor’s explained that there was no medical reason that we needed to wait to conceive again. They explained that grief and pregnancy are two tough paths to cross especially in the first year, but we both seemed in the right mental state that we could be the only ones to decide when we were ready. Our doctor’s assured us that they would help do whatever they could to comfort us during this horrific time. Both of us knew that nothing would ever replace our firstborn son. We understood that everything in life would be bittersweet, but we had that parental instinct that every parent has. We longed to be physical parents. Again, we were at a crossroads within weeks after burying Bentley. Should we try frantically to conceive again or wait?
I truly believe this question is something that most parents ask themselves after losing a child. We both knew we wanted to be parents, but we also knew that we didn’t want to make that decision solely on our own. We began to pray to God. We knew he was carrying us through because we were putting one foot in front of the other—functioning. Blake and I prayed to God that if he chose to bless us with another child that it would be in His timing. I do not believe that I ever truly understood true faith until that moment. We were pushed to the ledge of our faith. We had a choice to hold on or let go, and sometimes holding on hasn’t made sense, but God has always been in control. Two months from Bentley’s death, December 18, 2011, Blake and I were at the store purchasing a pregnancy test. The life of living on pins and needles had begun.
Our pregnancy test was positive. God had answered our first prayer—we had conceived again. I believe that was the first hurdle when dealing with a rainbow pregnancy. Our “new normal” of pins and needles began. In those moments of realizing we were indeed pregnant, I cannot describe the emotions that overcame both of us. We were thrilled to be pregnant again; we were scared to be pregnant again. It was all so bittersweet. Two words to describe a pregnancy after a loss: bittersweet and a roller coaster. Again, our faith in God grew stronger because we knew that there was no way we were going to continue to put one foot in front of the other without His help. Lab draws, doctor’s appointments, and sonograms all began in those initial weeks of this pregnancy, but the agonizing wait of 9 long months seemed unbearable.
Blake and I have discovered that having a doctor’s office that is compassionate and sensitive to our loss of Bentley is crucial to surviving the pregnancy. We sat down in our first trimester with the head OB doctor of our practice and explained what we needed from the office. Our office has allowed us to come every two weeks for OB appointments. They have understood that we walk on pins and needles every day. Our innocence of pregnancy has been stripped away, and we need support to move forward. God has placed the right doctors, nurses, and other support in our lives when we’ve needed it the most. We are currently twenty seven weeks pregnant with our second child, Chase Bentley Nalley. There have been two things that have allowed us to get to this point—a strong support system, and most importantly God. In a pregnancy after a loss, these two have been our saving grace. They have allowed us to ride this roller coaster of emotions because this pregnancy has been full of ups and downs emotionally. It is a tug-a-war with heart and mind. We are faced with the “what should have been” and our reality—our horrible nightmare, but we are carrying a blessing at the very same time. One thing that I truly believe God promises us that He will never give us more than we can handle. One verse that gives us comfort is Psalms 30:5; it states, “…Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.”
God is carrying us through. He is going to give us joy in the morning. And, our joy is anticipating to arrive the beginning of August 2012. In the next few months, I know that this grief journey and anticipation of the ending weeks of this pregnancy are not going to be easy, but we look forward to that joy that God promises us. Bentley’s precious life has taught my husband and I so much in the thirty eight weeks that he lived inside my womb, but he has taught us so much more in the seven months since his death. Our firstborn will never be replaced, and we inherited a whole bunch more anxieties, but we have been far more blessed than I had initially imagined. Our sons both have a purpose in life, and their lives each have a meaning. Cling to God and surround yourself with positive support and give it all to God—He will carry you through. . Chase, my rainbow, is our hope for the joy that comes in the morning.
Stephanie Nalley
In loving memory of
Bentley Charles Nalley
October 18, 2011