Blake and I were so certain that we could slide through October with an easy month besides the fact that we celebrate Bentleys death before we celebrate his birth. We were hoping that October would treat us nicely. Here's a recap so far!
We settled into our new house By October 1st which was completely unplanned and unexpected. Something we did not want to happen due to the desire to feel of being uprooted and unsettled while our minds play games on us as the weeks got closer to the 3rd Birthday of Bentley. We then, get moved in, not completely settled and I had an evening where I felt really sick. I thought maybe I had picked up a flu bug. Within 24 hours I was feeling better somewhat nauseas but better... Two days go by, I went to bed early because I started feeling sick. I woke up in horrible pain, and I could not get comfortable. I tossed and turned all night. I woke up thinking I had bad heart burn. I decided I needed to go the ER though because I had never experienced such discomfort.
I told everyone not to worry I probably just had heart burn. I got to the ER and they pressed on my belly under my ribs. I about to hit the doctor lol. I screamed in pain and he said her upper abdomen is pretty swollen.
They got me IV drugs, nauseas meds and morphine, and did some blood work. I still don't think I wanted to admit anything was seriously wrong. I was in an isolation room in the back of the ER . I kept kidding around telling them it was so quiet in there that they were going to forget about me back there.
I sat there just watching pointless TV trying to get comfortable. I stared at the clock. That same clock I watched all during labor. That same set up of a room I had been in the day we found out Bentley had died just a different floor. My mind kept racing to that moment. I sat there and as the doctors went over my medical history... I just couldn't help but cry. I explained that te last time I had been to the hospital IN PAIN was when my son died. Yes I had two kids since but I wasn't in pain then- I was relieved and I was excited but the last time I had pain and felt scared was when Bentley died.
I became so overwhelmed by this and I could not stop crying. They sent me for an ultrasound to confirm
If it was my gallbladder. Sure enough I was wheeled into this ultrasound room and that sick anxious feeling filled my stomach , maybe it was because I was sick, but I also think it was a reminder... A reminder of the last "emergency ultrasound I had"...
The tech began looking around and I screamed out in pain and began throwing up. I knew something was wrong an ultrasound never hurt like this. The tech kept apologizing but I just kept saying can you please just hurry... Then she got up and said she'd be back...
I was like whoa what... You're leaving me here?! She said she needed to go ask someone something. Of course I began to freak out. The last time someone left us in an ultrasound room, minutes later they informed us that Bentley had died. What bad news was I about to hear?!?
After what seemed like forever, she came back and we continued more images and I kept getting sick- finally it was over. Apologetically she rolled me back to my room. At this point, I texted Blake and told him I didn't believe it was heart burn and I needed him to come. So he did.
Within minutes, we learn my gallbladder needed out bad. It was really backed up and leaking bile into places it shouldn't. I was okay. I was in a haze... Let's fix this. Then they wheel me up to surgery and it hit me...
I lost again. What if something happened to me-- I hadn't even see my kids in hours. I hadn't gotten to see Blake yet. This was all happening so fast.
The nurse could sense I was emotional and frantic. She said that I looked too young for this surgery. My response,"do I look too young to bury my child?" She lowered her head and said she was sorry... I told her I'm young but I'm old. And into the OR we went...
I didn't think I was going to fit on that little table they call an operating table. It was so tiny.
The surgery began... I was knocked out but during that time... I was scared..
I remember opening my eyes. I saw him. We were in a field. I was running. And there was a little boy who looked like three. He was a red haired boy who short shaved hair. He was running and laughing and happy. And even as I write this I have chills. It was Bentley. He was with me in surgery. He knew how scared I was and he came to me I believe. We didn't have a conversation until the end...
I asked him why he couldn't come. I wanted him to know I needed him. He responded by saying "mommy, you have me. I'm with you always. I can't come with you. But they need you. People need you." And then just like that I woke up.
I was in such a haze, I woke up and I was sobbing. Uncontrollable sobs. They kept me in recovery for some time. And it wasn't such a fun experience. I wanted Blake. I missed him. I needed to see him. I thought because I had that interaction that something bad had happened to me... I was scared and I just needed to know I was okay. I had difficulty waking up from surgery and keeping my oxygen levels up and BP up... But finally I was able to see Blake. I was so happy to see him. Words can't describe it.
In recovery, I released a lot of words I think I had hidden inside. I told them all about Bentley. I explained to them that I realized it was no one else's fault for Bentleys death. It had just happened. But that didn't mean his life wasn't important. The OR staff probably thought I was insane, but I'm telling you... It was a surreal experience. I think it was an awakening.
I spent the evening in the hospital and I was sent home the next day. I've had a pretty rough week physically recovering. Our event on the 15th is upcoming this week, some speaking engagements in the weeks to come, but most importantly Bentleys birthday is next weekend. This is the last week of our lives that three years ago was normal
And now look at our lives. We have had so many ups and downs... But because of Jesus carrying us we are still standing. We may fall but I am
Determined to get back up.
Blake and I have out ourselves in the lime light of loss. And it has hurt us and it has built us up. You will begin to see some changes in the direction Hope Through Birth will make. I am letting go of the negative and Debbie downers in my life. I can not accept judging people. And I will not tolerate control and drama. We are here to support families of loss who give birth in any trimester. That's what Stillbirthday has taught us. Stillbirthday has taught us to love and to learn to love. To validate and build up. Our story in the darkness or in the lime light will make a difference . Like Bentley said "mommy, people need you."