I knew it was going to be a bad day when I had to fix a lot of things from the night shift who entered things incorrectly. Woohoo! :) Then, it was going alright, but then I really can't explain what triggered it, but my mind started getting panicking. And, I just felt overwhelmed. I finally got to go to lunch, and I sat down. I sat down in the cafeteria, and BOOM! It hit me like a bus. I lost it. I just cried. I called the doctor's office because I just get worried. I just get scared sometimes. And, the secretary probably thought I was crazy (oh well!), but she promised she would have the doctor or nurse call me back. So, I get back to the unit and everyone's like "are you ok?" , and I assured several people that I was fine but I had called my doctor, and someone would be calling me back.
It was just so crazy that my mind was racing so much, and I just felt like my mind racing about work, life, Bentley, life without Bentley...ect. It just all hit at once. And, I miss Bentley so much. I miss him more than I can ever even explain. I've felt physically great, and Blake and I really have been having great days. I just have these moments. These moments that come out of no where, and when I have these moments--it's bad. So, my phone starts to vibrate, and I don't think I ever got so relieved just by seeing a phone call. So, it's Dr. Oh. I love Dr. Oh. I heard his voice, and I just sobbed. I just cried. I assured him that everyone will probably think I'm crazy. He told me that isn't the case, and it is to be expected. It is to be expected whether this happened now or if it happened ten years from now. We discussed Bentley. We discussed how I just happened to be that one person. That one pregnancy. That one accident. And, he was very reassuring with me. He allowed me to just cry--cry for Bentley, cry for Baby #2. He listened to my concerns and he gave me a comfort through his words. It definately calmed me down a good bit. Then, of course, I am standing in the clean utility room at work because it was the quickest place I could go to when my cell rang, my boss comes in to show a new hire the room, and I'm standing in the corner crying talking to Dr. Oh. I apologized, and I just feel so embarrassed. I was never one to cry in front of people. I was never someone who shared how I was feeling. I just always kept my personal life to myself, and I was able too. I truly think I have these words tattooed on my forehead--"I am hurting!" But, the doctor has given me a peace of mind--I will go every Tuesday to get my Hcg levels done just to ensure they are increasing.
Dr. Oh explained that really we know that I can carry a baby full term. We know that I can make it through the first trimester. We know that I can give birth. We know I can get pregnant. These are all good things.These are positives that I don't have to worry about. He assured me that they will watch me; they will monitor me; they will help me with the peace of mind side. I'm thankful that I will go each week though. This pregnancy is going to bring about emotions that I never experienced with Bentley. I was never anxious, only anxious for him to come and be apart of our life! This time, I second guess everything. The word "great" means nothing to me. I have been feeling good. I haven't had any issues, and I'm thanking God for that, but it is still early. I need prayers. I need prayers for strength to deal with the continuing loss of Bentley in our lives, and I need strength for courage to move forward and focus on the good with Baby #2. I am so happy that we are becoming parents to a second child, but I think about everything that could go wrong. It isn't that I sit and worry about it because I know it isn't healthy, but I eat extra healthy. I watch my intake of everything--whether too much or too little. I do everything in as much of a return as possible, and I just try not to let everyone else get in my mind. People say some crazy things--things that may not seem crazy to themselves, but I hear everything. I hear certain phrases and it puts my mind in a whole other level. I see the look in people's faces when I tell them I'm pregnant, but I also just lost my son in October. That look makes me hurt.
But, back to positive. I saw this one chapalin at the hospital today, and she was so sweet. She met me at the Labor of love ceremony, but she knew who I was prior to that night. She's been praying for Blake and I. Someone in her family has experienced losses, so she has somewhat of experience with it. And, I told her that I was pregnant, and she told me that she'd been praying for that. She prayed for my strength, and she told me that God knows that I can handle this. He knows that I have the strength to move forward in life, and it brought tears to my eyes. It brought tears to my eyes for many reasons, but mostly because it demonstrated that she didn't even know me, but she cares. I watched some of my coworkers form tears in the eyes when I talk about Bentley or I discuss Baby #2, and it makes me feel better that someone empathizes with my pain. I can't thank those people enough.
Bentley has made such an impact on my life. I miss my little boy so much. Again, some people think I will instantly better because I am pregnant again, but it isn't the way it works. It isn't a fix. And, it isn't why Blake and I wanted another child. I knew another child wasn't going to "fix" this. I will be grieving for Bentley until the day I meet him in Heaven. I love my sweet Bentley, always and forever!