Life's been a bit hectic. Alittle rushed. Overwhelming. So fast paced. I want to slow life down. Yes, many may think even my own family believes that I run around too much. Maybe so..who knows but it is all in an attempt to keep functioning. To keep these feet above ground when I feel they are sinking.
I have pushed a lot under the rug. Maybe my own fault for the way I've been feelin maybe just natural grief..maybe everyone else does the same--I am really not sure. And to be honest..I think that's what it boils down to it..I'm just not sure.
I am not sure how i feel most days. I am not sure how to feel most days. I have these expectations of myself and others have these expectations of me too whether they say it or not..sometimes I feel way worse than I will ever let on and other days I am legitaly happy but then confused at how I could be happy when I am missing a portion of my life a huge portion..my Bentley. :(
Life as of lately has been rough..and many may never even notice because I'm really good at functioning to everyone else most times even to myself. But lately, I've notices physically that my grief is comin out. I believe that is what it is at least. I have found that I just can't deal with some things anymore. I find that as I am so very excited for these holidays...I am also just fine to wander around an pretend that no one else is there but Blake and me and chase. I find myself on edge most days and difficult to concentrate. I am seeing myself becoming very easily emotional even at things that I shouldn't be. I'm not quite sure but I have felt so out of control. So not myself lately but I am trying. I am trying to face this grief again. This evil circle of emotions that continues to cycle around. It is a whirlwind. It is a roller coaster. It is m life. It is my life I wish I could change the speed. Life is flying by..if only time could stand still. I just can't keep up with the emotions...
I am loving my chase so much . He is my light in the darkness. And I am missing Bentley with everything I have and his hurt..this pain and heartache and just plain loneliness will never go away but yet I find myself feeling more and more that way as each day passes ..we are approaching 14 months...it's been 404 days ....it feels like 4 hours..sheesh who am I kidding it feels like 4 seconds ago those word were being uttered that i continue to rehearse through my mind over and over again. The flashes just don't go away...
Chase is my rainbow in my storm. And somehow this lil Boy brightens our days but the pain and heartache of never having his big brother that I know he will grow to learn to live with just breaks my heart...
I have pushed a lot under the rug. Maybe my own fault for the way I've been feelin maybe just natural grief..maybe everyone else does the same--I am really not sure. And to be honest..I think that's what it boils down to it..I'm just not sure.
I am not sure how i feel most days. I am not sure how to feel most days. I have these expectations of myself and others have these expectations of me too whether they say it or not..sometimes I feel way worse than I will ever let on and other days I am legitaly happy but then confused at how I could be happy when I am missing a portion of my life a huge portion..my Bentley. :(
Life as of lately has been rough..and many may never even notice because I'm really good at functioning to everyone else most times even to myself. But lately, I've notices physically that my grief is comin out. I believe that is what it is at least. I have found that I just can't deal with some things anymore. I find that as I am so very excited for these holidays...I am also just fine to wander around an pretend that no one else is there but Blake and me and chase. I find myself on edge most days and difficult to concentrate. I am seeing myself becoming very easily emotional even at things that I shouldn't be. I'm not quite sure but I have felt so out of control. So not myself lately but I am trying. I am trying to face this grief again. This evil circle of emotions that continues to cycle around. It is a whirlwind. It is a roller coaster. It is m life. It is my life I wish I could change the speed. Life is flying by..if only time could stand still. I just can't keep up with the emotions...
I am loving my chase so much . He is my light in the darkness. And I am missing Bentley with everything I have and his hurt..this pain and heartache and just plain loneliness will never go away but yet I find myself feeling more and more that way as each day passes ..we are approaching 14 months...it's been 404 days ....it feels like 4 hours..sheesh who am I kidding it feels like 4 seconds ago those word were being uttered that i continue to rehearse through my mind over and over again. The flashes just don't go away...
Chase is my rainbow in my storm. And somehow this lil Boy brightens our days but the pain and heartache of never having his big brother that I know he will grow to learn to live with just breaks my heart...