TIme has been moving so slow, but it has been flying by in the very same breathe. I can't even begin to explain the constant mind battle that Blake and I have endured throughout this pregnancy. I go to the doctor's every two weeks (so thankful that my OB has allowed), but every week we come home with a good report. Everyone is always so happy, and they are so encouraging, but one thing that many people don't realize--it doesn't really matter how many appointments I go to, and it doesn't really matter how many times I come home and say everything is going great. Everything with Bentley went great until that 38 week appointment. So, I ask people, please be excited yes, but also please understand that I still have fears, and I still ride this roller coaster. The same fears and worries that most of my pregnant friends have don't even begin to touch the fears that I have or mother who have lost a child. I think about my pregnancy with Bentley, and I think about the petty worries that I had, and I think about my pregnancy so far with Chase, and my worries are beyond what I ever imagined were even "worries" with Bentley.
I hear a lot from my friends and family--"oh stephanie, just be positive, just be hopeful". Well, I can share with you this. I am positive, and I am certainly hopeful. But, I am NOT naive. I sit in a room full of people at all different stages of losses every month, and I can ensure you that it doesn't pay to be naive. I'm sure it doesn't make a loss any easier if you know the possibilities, but I can tell you that I have been more cautious. And I have learned to make the most of moments. I cherish every moment that I have had with Bentley, and I am currently cherishing every moment that I am experiencing with Chase. I tell people all the time-- we aren't promised forever...I understand that now. It isn't a cliche that I hear and say, "oh yeah, I understand that!". I UNDERSTAND that phrase now..it is so true. So, hold your children close. Don't live with regrets.
But, anyways, I went off on my tangent...back to the pregnancy....I am 20 weeks, and I am on the countdown now instead of counting up! Such a good feeling honestly. But, it has been difficult because I am someone who likes to be prepared. I enjoy having everthing perfect, and I like our children to have the very best that we can give them. SO, I find myself really struggling to enjoy the things that I loved to do for Bentley. I still love to shop and prepare, but it is the nursery that I struggle with. It is the baby shower. It is the registery. It is the things that you typically enjoy doing. I enjoyed getting EVERYTHING prepped for Bentley, and don't get me wrong that I am trying really hard to enjoy the prep for Chase, but it is difficult. It's difficult because I spent so much time preparing for Bentley and ensuring that everything was perfect, and he isn't here :( He never got to use those things. I have fears. I have memories. The flash backs, and the excitement that I remember comes rushing back everytime that I try to prepare for Chase.
My friends keep telling me that I have time to get everything done, and they are so right. I have time, but I want those memories. I want to have everything done for Chase. I want that innocence. I want that excitement. I don't want that fear. My registery has been so difficult too because I have everything that you need to take care of a baby. We were so ready for Bentley that we have the basics. We have clothes, and we even have so much we've bought specifically for Chase. But, I fear that someone is going to buy me something that I really wanted Bentley to wear, and I have nightmares that someone buys me the outfit that we buried Bentley in. I dread those emotions of opening a gift, and I begin having those flash backs of what I had for Bentley. So, I have pushed to people that I want gift cards. I'd rather put the gift cards towards the things that we need for Chase. Blake and I want to buy an expensive monitor that has video with it, and we want to get some safety stuff--completely different stuff than what I had asked for with Bentley...but it all is so emotion wrapped, and it is overwhelming. So...one day at a time I guess, just like everything else. It's funny because my friends or other pregnant people just don't understand these emotions. They don't get it. I know what to put on my register. I get the concept of them. I totally understand and can relate to people who know the innocence of pregnancy, but I laugh at them when they give me "advice". I HATE "advice" from mother's who haven't experienced a loss because to be quite honest our whole entire parenting concepts and ideas and lifestyle are completely different, in my opinion. They are different because the things that most parents take for granted, a parent who has lost a child understands and grasps the severity of making EVERY moment quite--regardless good of bad.
I guess these are just a few of my fears and worries and venting regarding this pregnancy with Chase. I am so thankful for the people who still call. The people who still text or send a message or drop a card or e-mail. Those are what keeps us going. It is the constant knowing that people are praying. It is the people who have stood by us that keep us going. And, for the people who continue to tell me to be positive and have hope...well, think about this, I have a positive attitude, and I have a hope. A big hurdle for Blake and I were to decide if we could go through another pregnancy, and we had hope--we had/have a belief in God that he is carrying us through, so the next time someone thinks that we don't have hope--trust me, WE HAVE HOPE. We have taken the courage to get pregnant. We have been walking this path, riding the roller coaster, and enduring whatever pain comes a long with it. So, think about things before they fumble out of your mouth. I believe that is one of the BIGGEST pet peeves of parents who have lost a child--especially a baby or a pregnancy. Think before you speak...you may have no bad intensions, but there are moments that your phrases can really ruin/destroy our days....
AUgust can not come soon enough! I am so looking forward to meeting Chase...
I hear a lot from my friends and family--"oh stephanie, just be positive, just be hopeful". Well, I can share with you this. I am positive, and I am certainly hopeful. But, I am NOT naive. I sit in a room full of people at all different stages of losses every month, and I can ensure you that it doesn't pay to be naive. I'm sure it doesn't make a loss any easier if you know the possibilities, but I can tell you that I have been more cautious. And I have learned to make the most of moments. I cherish every moment that I have had with Bentley, and I am currently cherishing every moment that I am experiencing with Chase. I tell people all the time-- we aren't promised forever...I understand that now. It isn't a cliche that I hear and say, "oh yeah, I understand that!". I UNDERSTAND that phrase now..it is so true. So, hold your children close. Don't live with regrets.
But, anyways, I went off on my tangent...back to the pregnancy....I am 20 weeks, and I am on the countdown now instead of counting up! Such a good feeling honestly. But, it has been difficult because I am someone who likes to be prepared. I enjoy having everthing perfect, and I like our children to have the very best that we can give them. SO, I find myself really struggling to enjoy the things that I loved to do for Bentley. I still love to shop and prepare, but it is the nursery that I struggle with. It is the baby shower. It is the registery. It is the things that you typically enjoy doing. I enjoyed getting EVERYTHING prepped for Bentley, and don't get me wrong that I am trying really hard to enjoy the prep for Chase, but it is difficult. It's difficult because I spent so much time preparing for Bentley and ensuring that everything was perfect, and he isn't here :( He never got to use those things. I have fears. I have memories. The flash backs, and the excitement that I remember comes rushing back everytime that I try to prepare for Chase.
My friends keep telling me that I have time to get everything done, and they are so right. I have time, but I want those memories. I want to have everything done for Chase. I want that innocence. I want that excitement. I don't want that fear. My registery has been so difficult too because I have everything that you need to take care of a baby. We were so ready for Bentley that we have the basics. We have clothes, and we even have so much we've bought specifically for Chase. But, I fear that someone is going to buy me something that I really wanted Bentley to wear, and I have nightmares that someone buys me the outfit that we buried Bentley in. I dread those emotions of opening a gift, and I begin having those flash backs of what I had for Bentley. So, I have pushed to people that I want gift cards. I'd rather put the gift cards towards the things that we need for Chase. Blake and I want to buy an expensive monitor that has video with it, and we want to get some safety stuff--completely different stuff than what I had asked for with Bentley...but it all is so emotion wrapped, and it is overwhelming. So...one day at a time I guess, just like everything else. It's funny because my friends or other pregnant people just don't understand these emotions. They don't get it. I know what to put on my register. I get the concept of them. I totally understand and can relate to people who know the innocence of pregnancy, but I laugh at them when they give me "advice". I HATE "advice" from mother's who haven't experienced a loss because to be quite honest our whole entire parenting concepts and ideas and lifestyle are completely different, in my opinion. They are different because the things that most parents take for granted, a parent who has lost a child understands and grasps the severity of making EVERY moment quite--regardless good of bad.
I guess these are just a few of my fears and worries and venting regarding this pregnancy with Chase. I am so thankful for the people who still call. The people who still text or send a message or drop a card or e-mail. Those are what keeps us going. It is the constant knowing that people are praying. It is the people who have stood by us that keep us going. And, for the people who continue to tell me to be positive and have hope...well, think about this, I have a positive attitude, and I have a hope. A big hurdle for Blake and I were to decide if we could go through another pregnancy, and we had hope--we had/have a belief in God that he is carrying us through, so the next time someone thinks that we don't have hope--trust me, WE HAVE HOPE. We have taken the courage to get pregnant. We have been walking this path, riding the roller coaster, and enduring whatever pain comes a long with it. So, think about things before they fumble out of your mouth. I believe that is one of the BIGGEST pet peeves of parents who have lost a child--especially a baby or a pregnancy. Think before you speak...you may have no bad intensions, but there are moments that your phrases can really ruin/destroy our days....
AUgust can not come soon enough! I am so looking forward to meeting Chase...