Hello everyone!
Thank you so much for taking the time to check out the 2nd issue of our newsletter!!
Blake & I have been working hard to make changes in the
coming year for Pregnancy and Infant Loss locally here in Hagerstown, MD. God
has blessed us in so many ways. I am hoping that this newsletter can be
encouragement, support, and healing for those who have given birth to babies in
any trimester resulting in a loss.
Thank you so much for taking the time to check out the 2nd issue of our newsletter!!
Blake & I have been working hard to make changes in the
coming year for Pregnancy and Infant Loss locally here in Hagerstown, MD. God
has blessed us in so many ways. I am hoping that this newsletter can be
encouragement, support, and healing for those who have given birth to babies in
any trimester resulting in a loss.
Blake & I gave birth to our beautiful, firstborn son, Bentley Charles
Nalley, on October 18, 2011 at 38 weeks gestational age. We had learned the day
before that Bentley was going to be born still. He did not have a heart beat at
our appointment we were sent to deliver. He was born at 3:54pm weighing 6lbs 19
inches. He was perfect. We learned very quickly that his life was taken by the
umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. We may have said “hello” and
“goodbye” in one meeting, but I know I’ll see our Bentley again in heaven.
Bentley’s life has made such an impact all over. I am so thankful for the 38
weeks that I was blessed with.
Nalley, on October 18, 2011 at 38 weeks gestational age. We had learned the day
before that Bentley was going to be born still. He did not have a heart beat at
our appointment we were sent to deliver. He was born at 3:54pm weighing 6lbs 19
inches. He was perfect. We learned very quickly that his life was taken by the
umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. We may have said “hello” and
“goodbye” in one meeting, but I know I’ll see our Bentley again in heaven.
Bentley’s life has made such an impact all over. I am so thankful for the 38
weeks that I was blessed with.
April
Baby Pickering- 4/15/11
Baby Delilah 4/25/13
Gavin Dean Burkett- 4-9-12
Baby Daley- 4/9/12
Grace Lynn Maldonado -4.8.12
Ella Marie 4.8.10
Jerimiah Gipe- 4.5.13
Nathaniel Miracle Stephenson - 4.24.12
Alana Marie Rowles- 4.22.07
Ava Marie Of man- 4.20.06
May
Charles "Charlie" Ray Powers 5-9-08 / 9-19-08
Aiden Mellott born 5/10/10. Made his way to heaven 6/1/2010
Jake Edward 3rd of May
Perry Gene Line IV- 5.12.11
June
Caleb Michael 06/27/12
Bristol Lynn Stanley-6.5.13
Stephanie Nicole Keller- 6.16.94
If you would like your babies name added please let me know!!!
Baby Pickering- 4/15/11
Baby Delilah 4/25/13
Gavin Dean Burkett- 4-9-12
Baby Daley- 4/9/12
Grace Lynn Maldonado -4.8.12
Ella Marie 4.8.10
Jerimiah Gipe- 4.5.13
Nathaniel Miracle Stephenson - 4.24.12
Alana Marie Rowles- 4.22.07
Ava Marie Of man- 4.20.06
May
Charles "Charlie" Ray Powers 5-9-08 / 9-19-08
Aiden Mellott born 5/10/10. Made his way to heaven 6/1/2010
Jake Edward 3rd of May
Perry Gene Line IV- 5.12.11
June
Caleb Michael 06/27/12
Bristol Lynn Stanley-6.5.13
Stephanie Nicole Keller- 6.16.94
If you would like your babies name added please let me know!!!
Each month I will remember our precious
babies who lives have been taken too soon. I truly believe each babies name is
important to remember because our babies regardless how long or short their
lives may be--they will bless many.
babies who lives have been taken too soon. I truly believe each babies name is
important to remember because our babies regardless how long or short their
lives may be--they will bless many.
Support Meeting
FACES
OF LOSS/FACES OF HOPE HAGERSTOWN, MD
This is a support group for those who have experienced
miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death. We are a group of moms, dads,
family, and others who support us through this journey.
At our support meeting, we have interactive discussion and
activities not only creating a sacred environment but an uplifting evening to
help keep our babies memories alive.
WHEN: 4TH
MONDAY EVERY MONTH @ 6:30-8PM
WHERE: MARANATHA BRETHREN
CHURCH 19835 Scott Hill Drive HAGERSTOWN, MD
21742
If you are interesting in attending or gaining more information
please contact Stephanie Nalley at [email protected]
or call 240-452-6323. You can find us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/facesoflosshagerstown/
A
person is a person no matter how small.”- Dr. Seuss
WE DID IT!!!!!!! Return to Zero is coming to Lifetime TV on May 17th at 7pm.
We are having a viewing party to watch it together. We will have food, drinks, and discussion. We will share our hearts and she'd tears together. It will be a night to come together and help break the silence. Here is the link for Facebook event.
https://www.facebook.com/events/471042869689733
It will be held at Ringgold Church of Christ
6:30pm
FACES
OF LOSS/FACES OF HOPE HAGERSTOWN, MD
This is a support group for those who have experienced
miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death. We are a group of moms, dads,
family, and others who support us through this journey.
At our support meeting, we have interactive discussion and
activities not only creating a sacred environment but an uplifting evening to
help keep our babies memories alive.
WHEN: 4TH
MONDAY EVERY MONTH @ 6:30-8PM
WHERE: MARANATHA BRETHREN
CHURCH 19835 Scott Hill Drive HAGERSTOWN, MD
21742
If you are interesting in attending or gaining more information
please contact Stephanie Nalley at [email protected]
or call 240-452-6323. You can find us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/facesoflosshagerstown/
A
person is a person no matter how small.”- Dr. Seuss
WE DID IT!!!!!!! Return to Zero is coming to Lifetime TV on May 17th at 7pm.
We are having a viewing party to watch it together. We will have food, drinks, and discussion. We will share our hearts and she'd tears together. It will be a night to come together and help break the silence. Here is the link for Facebook event.
https://www.facebook.com/events/471042869689733
It will be held at Ringgold Church of Christ
6:30pm
If you would like to participate in the Faces of
Loss/Faces of Hope quarterly newsletter, please email me at
[email protected].
We would love to
honor your story surrounding loss, rainbow pregnancy, adoption, or even
something special regarding your journey through your pregnancy/infant loss.
We will be have a newsletter each quarter. I am seeking craft ideas,
recipe, local pregnancy loss events, support groups, resources, poems, stories,
and bloggers to submit to the newsletter so we can all help that next mother or
father together. Please submit your suggestions/or stories to Stephanie Nalley
by March 15th to have something issued next quarter!
Loss/Faces of Hope quarterly newsletter, please email me at
[email protected].
We would love to
honor your story surrounding loss, rainbow pregnancy, adoption, or even
something special regarding your journey through your pregnancy/infant loss.
We will be have a newsletter each quarter. I am seeking craft ideas,
recipe, local pregnancy loss events, support groups, resources, poems, stories,
and bloggers to submit to the newsletter so we can all help that next mother or
father together. Please submit your suggestions/or stories to Stephanie Nalley
by March 15th to have something issued next quarter!
Get your copy NOW on Amazon & Barnes and Noble
A Journey Through Bethany Anderson's Pregnancy Story
My name is Bethany Anderson and I’m 23 years old. After being
told that I would never have a baby without the help of Assisted Reproductive
Technology, I assumed I would never have a child of my own. My husband and I
have been on a very long, emotional journey that has led us to the one thing
that has brought us closer together than anything, our daughter. We have felt
loss, hopelessness and grief through a long infertility battle after losing
three babies before turning to in vitro fertilization for help.
In December 2008, we found out that we were expecting for the
first time. I will never forget the look on Tommy’s face when I handed him a
positive pregnancy test. I was so excited to start a family of my own and feel
the love that so many other families around me shared. After making an
appointment with my doctor, it finally started feeling more real than ever. We
never made it to the appointment. I started experiencing horrible pain and we
rushed to the emergency room. The pain was too unbearable and I knew that
something was wrong, but I tried holding myself together as best I could. I was
trying to hold my head high, as I had my ultrasound, but I didn’t see a
baby.
On our one year anniversary, we found out our baby was going to
be taken from us. At only 9 weeks, our baby was trapped in my fallopian tube and
I was on my way to emergency surgery. I thought at the time that life could not
get any harder. When the doctor told me what was going to
happen, I was helpless. She told me that I was going to have surgery right away
and she would have to take my fallopian tube, our baby who had stopped growing
and most likely my left ovary. I prepped for surgery and as they wheeled me away
to the Operating Room, my husband held my hand tight. He told me everything
would be okay, kissed me on the forehead and then he was gone.
They put me on the table and tears poured out of my eyes. My doctor wiped
my tears away and the next thing I remember were bits and pieces of waking up in
the recovery room. The first face I saw was Tommy’s. He looked scared and
exhausted. A few family members came and went when I came to my hospital floor.
It was in the children’s ward and I was told that I’d have to stay alone,
overnight. When visiting hours were over and Tommy left to go back home, I could
do nothing more than cry myself to sleep. I would wake up in the middle of the
night, hoping it was just a terrible nightmare, but I realized each time that it
was not. I was released to go home and was on bed rest for 3
weeks.
After what seemed to be the longest three weeks of my life, I
returned to work. With the comfort of my coworkers, I was able to get through
the hard times at work. While, Tommy did everything he could do to help me at
home. My follow-up for surgery was a difficult one. I was told that I would most
likely never become pregnant again without IVF, or if we did attempt to get
pregnant on our own, the result would most likely be the same as the first. At
18 years old, I was pretty much being told that I should not try and start a
family and that I would never be able to experience the joy of having a normal
pregnancy. My dreams were shattered. I continued the routine
of waking up in the middle of the night hoping it was all a nightmare, but I
quickly found that it was reality.
Life went on as normal as normal could be, until December.
Surprisingly, I had found out that we were expecting for a second time. Hesitant
but still excited, we accepted the only doctor’s appointment they had available-
January 8th, 2009, our second anniversary, ironically. On January
7th I had called the doctor frantically, because again I was
experiencing the same type of pain that I had last year. The
next day I noticed I was spotting and my heart instantly dropped. At the
appointment they had confirmed I was miscarrying. Back to the hospital I went,
unsure of how this procedure would work. They wanted to save my right fallopian
tube and ovary, but they had to end yet another pregnancy. This time, a new
doctor had come to talk to me about what was going to happen. They had to give
me a drug called Methotrexate which is a chemotherapy agent that has been used
to treat cancer because it affects cells that are rapidly dividing. It
interferes with folic acid and stops cell duplication. This was the only
non-surgical method of ending my pregnancy and luckily because this pregnancy
was only around 3 or 4 weeks it would be more than 90% effective. I was given my
injection and released to go home. I had to have blood tests every week, at
least one, sometimes two times to be sure that my HCG levels were decreasing at
the appropriate levels. If for some reason they stayed the same, there was a
possibility of another surgery in my future. After almost two months of being
poked and prodded, I had my last lab visit and I was told that my levels were
back to normal. I was also told this time again, that Birth Control was an
absolute necessity in my case, because In Vitro was now the only way possible.
This doctor told me that there was a very small chance that I would ever become
pregnant without the use of In Vitro.
Again, life continued just as it always does. We decided it was
time for us to move to the next step and Tommy and I were married on August 25,
2011. We started focusing more on our own personal growth. My husband decided to
make start his own business because he had found something he was incredibly
passionate about-- photography. His name quickly spread and we had people
inquiring about his business on a daily basis. Although I loved our job, I was
still in search of a career was out there for me until I realized that I was
searching for something that was right in front of my eyes. I love children! In
August I was hired as a Preschool Teacher at a daycare just down the street from
our home. I had finally found something that I was excited to
wake up in the morning for. After working as a floater for a few months, I was
assigned to my own room. Still tender, I started to learn how to focus the
sadness of my losses in a positive way.
The summer went by quickly as always, and winter was surely on
its way. December came too quickly and I had a strange feeling, which I never
expected to have again. I ran to the store and had planned on taking an
pregnancy test the next morning. I had assumed that it was
just my hope that gave me an intuition that I had another baby on its way and
quickly brushed my excitement away, given the previous sadness that my husband
and I had both experienced. We of course had hoped that for once things would
work themselves out, but the last thing we wanted was to be let down for a third
time.
On the morning of December 9th, 2011, I woke up at 6
A.M. to continue my normal morning routine. I took the
pregnancy test and the three minutes I waited seemed to take a lifetime. I was
unable to move, breathe or talk for a few minutes when I realized that the test
had turned out positive. I rushed to my husband’s bedside, to awake him. We
couldn’t believe it. I went to work, glowing and realized that I had no pain. I
was certain that everything that we had been through in the past was now going
to be healed by a new pregnancy; a new start for all of us. I contacted my
doctors and had two sets of lab work to determine that I was definitely
pregnant. I waited by the phone for yet another doctor to give me the news-
either my levels had doubled, or they didn’t which would confirm if the
pregnancy was on track, or not.
I had a call from my doctor, congratulating me on motherhood and
told me that the levels turned out to be just fine. There was no doubt that I
was the happiest person in the entire world. Since she had given me such great
news, we decided on both boy and girl names and were starting to look into all
of the fun and exciting things that comes with a normal pregnancy! We couldn’t
wait to tell the world that again, we were expecting, but this time it was for
certain! We started doing things differently than the previous pregnancies like
parking in different spots at the doctors, requesting yet another new doctor; it
sounds silly now, but we were up to doing anything that would make this
pregnancy different from the last turnouts. On December 13th we had
our first OB appointment. The doctor asked me of my previous pregnancies and was
taken aback by my story. When she started looking over my files, a happy look
turned into a worried look and she said that she didn’t like the way the levels
had risen. She gave me an ultrasound and again- I didn’t see a baby. She told me
not to worry; she would send me to the hospital to have an expert give me
another ultrasound to hopefully be able to find the baby. So off to the hospital
we went. This time, I refused to even look at the screen during my ultrasound. I
was sent back to my doctors so that they could give me the answers. I waited and
waited and again, time stood still. I heard the knock on the door, and my heart
jumped. She rushed in and told me it was another ectopic. My heart sunk to the
floor, for the third time in my life. I felt like there was nothing anyone could
do or say to change the terrible feeling that had taken over me. And again,
another surgery was in my very near future. She started telling me how things
would work during surgery and I could not listen to the words that came out of
her mouth. She gave us a moment and my husband just held each other crying like
so many other times before terrified of what was going to happen next. I just
wanted to run out of that doctor’s office and never look back, refuse to have
yet another surgery to take another baby from me. She returned also crying
almost as hard as I was, had me sign papers that stated that she was going to
take my baby who at just 5 weeks and 5 days old had a heartbeat. My baby was
still alive but there was no way of saving him or her. She also told me that she
would have to take my only remaining fallopian tube and possibly my ovary- the
only thing that I felt made me a woman at that point. It took me a few minutes
to work up the confidence to sign the paper. All I really wanted to do was run
out of the office and never look back. I knew that this was in fact, a big
possibility that this would be the last chance I had to ever have another life
grow inside of me.
She said it was extremely detrimental to my health to postpone
having surgery for even the slightest amount of time. I tried to talk myself
into the decision to go home and hope that things worked out, but I knew that I
had no choice. They had to move other scheduled surgeries just so I could take
their spot to possibly save my life for the second time. I arrived at the
hospital and my husband and I, both lifeless, entered the Surgery Center. My
emotions went from sad to angry to confused and back again. There was not a
moment that I stopped crying. I was prepped for surgery and my husband was able
to come see me for a few minutes before I went under the knife. Soon, they
rushed me down many hallways, blank like a sheet of paper. I closed my eyes and
imagined my life, without such a trying roadblock. We arrived at the Operating
Room doors, a place where I refused to ever have to return to again. A surgery
tech squeezed my hand and brushed my tears. I closed my eyes and the next thing
I remember is getting picked up and put on my hospital bed. A few family members
were in the room and my husband was again the first face I saw out of surgery.
This time, I had a room to myself with a huge window, and my husband was allowed
to stay overnight with me while I recovered. Again, I returned home the next day
and I was off work for three weeks. I met with my supervisor and we talked about
the struggles that we have gone through over the past years that she knew
nothing about previously. I returned to work on January
3rd, hoping to set aside all of my mixed emotions and be the “Miss
Bethany” all of the children remembered me to be. There were times that I was
excited to be back, and other times where I felt that I couldn’t get past the
reality of what had just happened to me. All of these lives surrounding me,
these parents who had perfect children a part of everyday life; was almost too
hard to face.
During
my post-operative appointment the doctor reassured me that I should have no
trouble carrying a full-term baby with the help of IVF. She referred me to a
reproductive endocrinologist and I started to feel like I might just have
another chance. I set up an appointment and was relieved to find that the
insurance I had would cover a large amount of the actual procedure. It took
months for us to save up the amount we would need to even start the testing to
see if I would be a candidate for in vitro. When I learned that my insurance
would cover 90% of the $30,000 it would cost me to attempt IVF I was so eager to
get started. 10% of $30,000 is still $3,000. We were encouraged to try and raise
money through a website where a lot of our donators could read our story and
support us not only with money but with kind words that were just as special. I
was very hesitant, as I don’t believe in asking people for anything, but we felt
that if we didn’t, we could miss out on the one-time opportunity we had been
waiting on for years. Also,
because I wasn’t the average 22 year old attempting this procedure the doctors
had no idea that I would end up needing three times the amount of medication
because I only had one very low responding ovary. After three days of being on
my medications they had more than tripled the amount that I would need to
continue injections. What the insurance company didn’t tell me is that there was
a maximum amount of medications that they would cover and the rest would be an
out of pocket expense for me. One week into injections I found out that
insurance would not cover any more of my medication and we spent the next eleven
days struggling to find enough money just to finish the cycle. This was so
extremely hard on us considering we were taking trips to Frederick daily every
morning for monitoring. We would start our day at around 5 in the morning taking
our trip to Frederick, not even knowing if our car would make it considering it
was on the verge of a major breakdown then after my appointments I would rush
back to work and skip my breaks while staying late just to try and make up all
of the time I had lost. I had a lot of friends, clients and
even strangers sending us donations and supporting us from the very beginning.
We even had people meet up with us and donate vials that they had from their IVF
experience.
Thanks to the help of many of our friends, and even some
strangers that we have never met, we were able to finish our IVF cycle. They
were able to retrieve six eggs during my egg retrieval; three of which turned
into healthy, viable day five blastocysts. Because they were considered to be
“perfect” quality, we decided to transfer only one embryo during our embryo
transfer. We had decided to save two embryos by freezing them through
cryopreservation. Six days after my husband and I watched our little embryo be
implanted in my uterus via ultrasound, I decided that I just couldn’t wait any
longer and I decided to take a pregnancy test. Slowly, each day the test line
got darker and darker. The day of my beta I was still trying not to get to
excited but later, my nurse confirmed that I was in fact pregnant. I WAS
PREGNANT! I can’t tell you how happy and relieved I was! After graduating Shady
Grove Fertility Center, I continued a normal pregnancy after the first
trimester.
Every day I imagined what my beautiful baby would look like.
Every time I felt a kick, it felt like the first time all over again. We were
able to find out the gender in September and was so excited to be able to
announce we were going to be having the little princess that I had always
wanted. The day before Valentine’s Day I was induced and so ready to meet my
princess! I had to have an emergency Cesarean because after my water broke and
the doctors gave me Pitocin, my daughter’s heart rate went down. They were
worried that her cord may have been wrapped around her neck and after an
epidural in hopes that it would calm both of us, I was told I needed to have
surgery right away. I was so scared; mostly because the last time I was pregnant
and taken into the operating room, I was losing my third child. After a few
moments, my husband was allowed to come into the room and hold my hand.
He helped me continue my breathing and before I knew it, I
heard the most amazing sound I had ever heard before. Our perfect baby girl,
Aubrielle Gianna Anderson, arrived at 1:08 PM on Valentine’s Day. I thought that
it was so meaningful that she was born at that time, considering January
8th was the date that we lost our first two babies, one year apart.
Maybe it was just a sign that our babies were with us in our heart that day.
All I know is that it was the best day of my entire life! I
am so grateful that despite the long journey we still made it through and have a
healthy, beautiful daughter. If I have learned anything during this experience,
it’s that no matter the circumstance, never lose hope. I know that if I would
have given up I wouldn’t have Aubrielle and the time it took to be able to hold
her in my arms was going to pass either way. I know that no matter what comes my
way, I will just be able to look at her and know that we can get through
it. Aubrielle has saved me and she is my hero!
My name is Bethany Anderson and I’m 23 years old. After being
told that I would never have a baby without the help of Assisted Reproductive
Technology, I assumed I would never have a child of my own. My husband and I
have been on a very long, emotional journey that has led us to the one thing
that has brought us closer together than anything, our daughter. We have felt
loss, hopelessness and grief through a long infertility battle after losing
three babies before turning to in vitro fertilization for help.
In December 2008, we found out that we were expecting for the
first time. I will never forget the look on Tommy’s face when I handed him a
positive pregnancy test. I was so excited to start a family of my own and feel
the love that so many other families around me shared. After making an
appointment with my doctor, it finally started feeling more real than ever. We
never made it to the appointment. I started experiencing horrible pain and we
rushed to the emergency room. The pain was too unbearable and I knew that
something was wrong, but I tried holding myself together as best I could. I was
trying to hold my head high, as I had my ultrasound, but I didn’t see a
baby.
On our one year anniversary, we found out our baby was going to
be taken from us. At only 9 weeks, our baby was trapped in my fallopian tube and
I was on my way to emergency surgery. I thought at the time that life could not
get any harder. When the doctor told me what was going to
happen, I was helpless. She told me that I was going to have surgery right away
and she would have to take my fallopian tube, our baby who had stopped growing
and most likely my left ovary. I prepped for surgery and as they wheeled me away
to the Operating Room, my husband held my hand tight. He told me everything
would be okay, kissed me on the forehead and then he was gone.
They put me on the table and tears poured out of my eyes. My doctor wiped
my tears away and the next thing I remember were bits and pieces of waking up in
the recovery room. The first face I saw was Tommy’s. He looked scared and
exhausted. A few family members came and went when I came to my hospital floor.
It was in the children’s ward and I was told that I’d have to stay alone,
overnight. When visiting hours were over and Tommy left to go back home, I could
do nothing more than cry myself to sleep. I would wake up in the middle of the
night, hoping it was just a terrible nightmare, but I realized each time that it
was not. I was released to go home and was on bed rest for 3
weeks.
After what seemed to be the longest three weeks of my life, I
returned to work. With the comfort of my coworkers, I was able to get through
the hard times at work. While, Tommy did everything he could do to help me at
home. My follow-up for surgery was a difficult one. I was told that I would most
likely never become pregnant again without IVF, or if we did attempt to get
pregnant on our own, the result would most likely be the same as the first. At
18 years old, I was pretty much being told that I should not try and start a
family and that I would never be able to experience the joy of having a normal
pregnancy. My dreams were shattered. I continued the routine
of waking up in the middle of the night hoping it was all a nightmare, but I
quickly found that it was reality.
Life went on as normal as normal could be, until December.
Surprisingly, I had found out that we were expecting for a second time. Hesitant
but still excited, we accepted the only doctor’s appointment they had available-
January 8th, 2009, our second anniversary, ironically. On January
7th I had called the doctor frantically, because again I was
experiencing the same type of pain that I had last year. The
next day I noticed I was spotting and my heart instantly dropped. At the
appointment they had confirmed I was miscarrying. Back to the hospital I went,
unsure of how this procedure would work. They wanted to save my right fallopian
tube and ovary, but they had to end yet another pregnancy. This time, a new
doctor had come to talk to me about what was going to happen. They had to give
me a drug called Methotrexate which is a chemotherapy agent that has been used
to treat cancer because it affects cells that are rapidly dividing. It
interferes with folic acid and stops cell duplication. This was the only
non-surgical method of ending my pregnancy and luckily because this pregnancy
was only around 3 or 4 weeks it would be more than 90% effective. I was given my
injection and released to go home. I had to have blood tests every week, at
least one, sometimes two times to be sure that my HCG levels were decreasing at
the appropriate levels. If for some reason they stayed the same, there was a
possibility of another surgery in my future. After almost two months of being
poked and prodded, I had my last lab visit and I was told that my levels were
back to normal. I was also told this time again, that Birth Control was an
absolute necessity in my case, because In Vitro was now the only way possible.
This doctor told me that there was a very small chance that I would ever become
pregnant without the use of In Vitro.
Again, life continued just as it always does. We decided it was
time for us to move to the next step and Tommy and I were married on August 25,
2011. We started focusing more on our own personal growth. My husband decided to
make start his own business because he had found something he was incredibly
passionate about-- photography. His name quickly spread and we had people
inquiring about his business on a daily basis. Although I loved our job, I was
still in search of a career was out there for me until I realized that I was
searching for something that was right in front of my eyes. I love children! In
August I was hired as a Preschool Teacher at a daycare just down the street from
our home. I had finally found something that I was excited to
wake up in the morning for. After working as a floater for a few months, I was
assigned to my own room. Still tender, I started to learn how to focus the
sadness of my losses in a positive way.
The summer went by quickly as always, and winter was surely on
its way. December came too quickly and I had a strange feeling, which I never
expected to have again. I ran to the store and had planned on taking an
pregnancy test the next morning. I had assumed that it was
just my hope that gave me an intuition that I had another baby on its way and
quickly brushed my excitement away, given the previous sadness that my husband
and I had both experienced. We of course had hoped that for once things would
work themselves out, but the last thing we wanted was to be let down for a third
time.
On the morning of December 9th, 2011, I woke up at 6
A.M. to continue my normal morning routine. I took the
pregnancy test and the three minutes I waited seemed to take a lifetime. I was
unable to move, breathe or talk for a few minutes when I realized that the test
had turned out positive. I rushed to my husband’s bedside, to awake him. We
couldn’t believe it. I went to work, glowing and realized that I had no pain. I
was certain that everything that we had been through in the past was now going
to be healed by a new pregnancy; a new start for all of us. I contacted my
doctors and had two sets of lab work to determine that I was definitely
pregnant. I waited by the phone for yet another doctor to give me the news-
either my levels had doubled, or they didn’t which would confirm if the
pregnancy was on track, or not.
I had a call from my doctor, congratulating me on motherhood and
told me that the levels turned out to be just fine. There was no doubt that I
was the happiest person in the entire world. Since she had given me such great
news, we decided on both boy and girl names and were starting to look into all
of the fun and exciting things that comes with a normal pregnancy! We couldn’t
wait to tell the world that again, we were expecting, but this time it was for
certain! We started doing things differently than the previous pregnancies like
parking in different spots at the doctors, requesting yet another new doctor; it
sounds silly now, but we were up to doing anything that would make this
pregnancy different from the last turnouts. On December 13th we had
our first OB appointment. The doctor asked me of my previous pregnancies and was
taken aback by my story. When she started looking over my files, a happy look
turned into a worried look and she said that she didn’t like the way the levels
had risen. She gave me an ultrasound and again- I didn’t see a baby. She told me
not to worry; she would send me to the hospital to have an expert give me
another ultrasound to hopefully be able to find the baby. So off to the hospital
we went. This time, I refused to even look at the screen during my ultrasound. I
was sent back to my doctors so that they could give me the answers. I waited and
waited and again, time stood still. I heard the knock on the door, and my heart
jumped. She rushed in and told me it was another ectopic. My heart sunk to the
floor, for the third time in my life. I felt like there was nothing anyone could
do or say to change the terrible feeling that had taken over me. And again,
another surgery was in my very near future. She started telling me how things
would work during surgery and I could not listen to the words that came out of
her mouth. She gave us a moment and my husband just held each other crying like
so many other times before terrified of what was going to happen next. I just
wanted to run out of that doctor’s office and never look back, refuse to have
yet another surgery to take another baby from me. She returned also crying
almost as hard as I was, had me sign papers that stated that she was going to
take my baby who at just 5 weeks and 5 days old had a heartbeat. My baby was
still alive but there was no way of saving him or her. She also told me that she
would have to take my only remaining fallopian tube and possibly my ovary- the
only thing that I felt made me a woman at that point. It took me a few minutes
to work up the confidence to sign the paper. All I really wanted to do was run
out of the office and never look back. I knew that this was in fact, a big
possibility that this would be the last chance I had to ever have another life
grow inside of me.
She said it was extremely detrimental to my health to postpone
having surgery for even the slightest amount of time. I tried to talk myself
into the decision to go home and hope that things worked out, but I knew that I
had no choice. They had to move other scheduled surgeries just so I could take
their spot to possibly save my life for the second time. I arrived at the
hospital and my husband and I, both lifeless, entered the Surgery Center. My
emotions went from sad to angry to confused and back again. There was not a
moment that I stopped crying. I was prepped for surgery and my husband was able
to come see me for a few minutes before I went under the knife. Soon, they
rushed me down many hallways, blank like a sheet of paper. I closed my eyes and
imagined my life, without such a trying roadblock. We arrived at the Operating
Room doors, a place where I refused to ever have to return to again. A surgery
tech squeezed my hand and brushed my tears. I closed my eyes and the next thing
I remember is getting picked up and put on my hospital bed. A few family members
were in the room and my husband was again the first face I saw out of surgery.
This time, I had a room to myself with a huge window, and my husband was allowed
to stay overnight with me while I recovered. Again, I returned home the next day
and I was off work for three weeks. I met with my supervisor and we talked about
the struggles that we have gone through over the past years that she knew
nothing about previously. I returned to work on January
3rd, hoping to set aside all of my mixed emotions and be the “Miss
Bethany” all of the children remembered me to be. There were times that I was
excited to be back, and other times where I felt that I couldn’t get past the
reality of what had just happened to me. All of these lives surrounding me,
these parents who had perfect children a part of everyday life; was almost too
hard to face.
During
my post-operative appointment the doctor reassured me that I should have no
trouble carrying a full-term baby with the help of IVF. She referred me to a
reproductive endocrinologist and I started to feel like I might just have
another chance. I set up an appointment and was relieved to find that the
insurance I had would cover a large amount of the actual procedure. It took
months for us to save up the amount we would need to even start the testing to
see if I would be a candidate for in vitro. When I learned that my insurance
would cover 90% of the $30,000 it would cost me to attempt IVF I was so eager to
get started. 10% of $30,000 is still $3,000. We were encouraged to try and raise
money through a website where a lot of our donators could read our story and
support us not only with money but with kind words that were just as special. I
was very hesitant, as I don’t believe in asking people for anything, but we felt
that if we didn’t, we could miss out on the one-time opportunity we had been
waiting on for years. Also,
because I wasn’t the average 22 year old attempting this procedure the doctors
had no idea that I would end up needing three times the amount of medication
because I only had one very low responding ovary. After three days of being on
my medications they had more than tripled the amount that I would need to
continue injections. What the insurance company didn’t tell me is that there was
a maximum amount of medications that they would cover and the rest would be an
out of pocket expense for me. One week into injections I found out that
insurance would not cover any more of my medication and we spent the next eleven
days struggling to find enough money just to finish the cycle. This was so
extremely hard on us considering we were taking trips to Frederick daily every
morning for monitoring. We would start our day at around 5 in the morning taking
our trip to Frederick, not even knowing if our car would make it considering it
was on the verge of a major breakdown then after my appointments I would rush
back to work and skip my breaks while staying late just to try and make up all
of the time I had lost. I had a lot of friends, clients and
even strangers sending us donations and supporting us from the very beginning.
We even had people meet up with us and donate vials that they had from their IVF
experience.
Thanks to the help of many of our friends, and even some
strangers that we have never met, we were able to finish our IVF cycle. They
were able to retrieve six eggs during my egg retrieval; three of which turned
into healthy, viable day five blastocysts. Because they were considered to be
“perfect” quality, we decided to transfer only one embryo during our embryo
transfer. We had decided to save two embryos by freezing them through
cryopreservation. Six days after my husband and I watched our little embryo be
implanted in my uterus via ultrasound, I decided that I just couldn’t wait any
longer and I decided to take a pregnancy test. Slowly, each day the test line
got darker and darker. The day of my beta I was still trying not to get to
excited but later, my nurse confirmed that I was in fact pregnant. I WAS
PREGNANT! I can’t tell you how happy and relieved I was! After graduating Shady
Grove Fertility Center, I continued a normal pregnancy after the first
trimester.
Every day I imagined what my beautiful baby would look like.
Every time I felt a kick, it felt like the first time all over again. We were
able to find out the gender in September and was so excited to be able to
announce we were going to be having the little princess that I had always
wanted. The day before Valentine’s Day I was induced and so ready to meet my
princess! I had to have an emergency Cesarean because after my water broke and
the doctors gave me Pitocin, my daughter’s heart rate went down. They were
worried that her cord may have been wrapped around her neck and after an
epidural in hopes that it would calm both of us, I was told I needed to have
surgery right away. I was so scared; mostly because the last time I was pregnant
and taken into the operating room, I was losing my third child. After a few
moments, my husband was allowed to come into the room and hold my hand.
He helped me continue my breathing and before I knew it, I
heard the most amazing sound I had ever heard before. Our perfect baby girl,
Aubrielle Gianna Anderson, arrived at 1:08 PM on Valentine’s Day. I thought that
it was so meaningful that she was born at that time, considering January
8th was the date that we lost our first two babies, one year apart.
Maybe it was just a sign that our babies were with us in our heart that day.
All I know is that it was the best day of my entire life! I
am so grateful that despite the long journey we still made it through and have a
healthy, beautiful daughter. If I have learned anything during this experience,
it’s that no matter the circumstance, never lose hope. I know that if I would
have given up I wouldn’t have Aubrielle and the time it took to be able to hold
her in my arms was going to pass either way. I know that no matter what comes my
way, I will just be able to look at her and know that we can get through
it. Aubrielle has saved me and she is my hero!
Every October 15th, Blake and I
have put together an event for to remember our babies in honor of Pregnancy and
Infant Loss Awareness Day. This last year, Blake and I parterned with another
local organization to help create a memoriable evening. This year we are
sponsoring our own event again. You do not want to miss it. This event is going
to be wild and bold and life changing. I am very excited about 10.15.14. Please
mark the date on your calendar. We will be releasing more information
soon. I hope to see you there. It will be a night you'll never forget.
If you have
a business or would like to sponsor this event, please contact me at
[email protected]
have put together an event for to remember our babies in honor of Pregnancy and
Infant Loss Awareness Day. This last year, Blake and I parterned with another
local organization to help create a memoriable evening. This year we are
sponsoring our own event again. You do not want to miss it. This event is going
to be wild and bold and life changing. I am very excited about 10.15.14. Please
mark the date on your calendar. We will be releasing more information
soon. I hope to see you there. It will be a night you'll never forget.
If you have
a business or would like to sponsor this event, please contact me at
[email protected]
Do you have a special poem or a craft or
song that reminds you of your baby? Please let me know. I'd love to include it!
I want this newletter to be about YOU and YOUR babies.
OR
Do you have a blog you'd like to share or
pictures too, send me an email to have yours added for next newsletter at
[email protected]
Recipe
Submitted by Sadie Freeman
Sugar Cookie Fruit Pizza
Sugar Cookie Crust
1/4 C Milk 1 tsp. Baking Powder 1 tsp. Vanilla 1 tsp. Baking Soda 1 C Butter
or Margarine 4 C Flour 1/2 tsp. Salt 1 1/4 Cup Sugar 2 Eggs
Soften margarine slightly, then add sugar, eggs and vanilla. Stir well, then
mix in flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and milk. Chill dough for about
an hour and it will be easier to roll out.
Roll out the dough on a floured surface until it's a little more than 1/4"
thick. You can either transfer it to an ungreased pizza pan to make a big pizza
or use circle cookie cutters to make mini pizzas. (If you make the large pizza
size, you will only use about 3/4 of the dough, so you can make mini ones with
the leftovers!) Bake at 350 degrees for 13 minutes. Let the sugar cookie crust
cool completely before adding the cream cheese layer.
Cream Cheese Layer
8 oz. Cream Cheese (softened) 1 C Powdered Sugar 1 tsp. Vanilla 8 oz. Cool
Whip
Mix together cream cheese, powdered sugar and vanilla. Beat until smooth,
then fold in the Cool Whip and stir well. Spread cream cheese layer over cooled
sugar cookie. Then you can start adding the fruit.
Fruit Options
Strawberries Kiwi Bananas Grapes Blueberries Mandarin Oranges Raspberries
Pineapple
song that reminds you of your baby? Please let me know. I'd love to include it!
I want this newletter to be about YOU and YOUR babies.
OR
Do you have a blog you'd like to share or
pictures too, send me an email to have yours added for next newsletter at
[email protected]
Recipe
Submitted by Sadie Freeman
Sugar Cookie Fruit Pizza
Sugar Cookie Crust
1/4 C Milk 1 tsp. Baking Powder 1 tsp. Vanilla 1 tsp. Baking Soda 1 C Butter
or Margarine 4 C Flour 1/2 tsp. Salt 1 1/4 Cup Sugar 2 Eggs
Soften margarine slightly, then add sugar, eggs and vanilla. Stir well, then
mix in flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and milk. Chill dough for about
an hour and it will be easier to roll out.
Roll out the dough on a floured surface until it's a little more than 1/4"
thick. You can either transfer it to an ungreased pizza pan to make a big pizza
or use circle cookie cutters to make mini pizzas. (If you make the large pizza
size, you will only use about 3/4 of the dough, so you can make mini ones with
the leftovers!) Bake at 350 degrees for 13 minutes. Let the sugar cookie crust
cool completely before adding the cream cheese layer.
Cream Cheese Layer
8 oz. Cream Cheese (softened) 1 C Powdered Sugar 1 tsp. Vanilla 8 oz. Cool
Whip
Mix together cream cheese, powdered sugar and vanilla. Beat until smooth,
then fold in the Cool Whip and stir well. Spread cream cheese layer over cooled
sugar cookie. Then you can start adding the fruit.
Fruit Options
Strawberries Kiwi Bananas Grapes Blueberries Mandarin Oranges Raspberries
Pineapple
Thank you for sharing your babies lives with me. I truly am privledged to help you keep their memories alive. They have changed my life. It means more to me than each of you truly know. I know that when someone remembers Bentley, it warms my heart. It brings tears to my eyes and it makes me realize that Bentley means the world to so many more than just Blake and I. Never feel like you can't speak your babies names because you can, and you can honor them, and you can change lives. Your baby can change lives. I love you all! Thank you again for making Faces of Loss/Faces of Hope possible.