Ham salad. Many of you are probably thinking, seriously Steph, a post about ham salad?! Yes, that's right. I ate ham salad for lunch. Canned ham to be exact. Revelance, you may ask. I missed eating ham salad sandwiches, and it had been so long. Usually when I go to the grocery store, I pass by and take a look but settle for chicken salad. Chicken salad or ham salad...I know I may have lost many just in these few sentences. If you truly know much about our loss of Bentley, you'll know that ham salad was apart. No, not apart of death, not the cause, not really anything to do with Bentley directly actually. But, ham salad was the last food that I ate before I headed off to that doctors visit--my 38 week appointment.
Still confused? Yes, this blog is completely the joyfulness that I had from eating that ham sandwich. Now, here's why. I already stated it was the last food that I ate before our 38 week appointment with Bentley, and those of you have had a loss of any kind you understand grief and it's associations. I know that ham salad sandwiches had nothing to do With Bentley's death, but I never ate the same foods or wore the same colors together or anything as I did the day he died. It's the mind battle association that comes with grief. So, almost 26 months later, I overcame two hurdles. I bought ham salad and I ate a ham salad sandwich. And, I did it without tears.
You still might not get it, and if you don't its ok. I do know that many who walk this path get it in their own way. My life will never be the same or normal by definition, but I learn in this new life, we can create our own new normal within. We can have moments of the "old" us or something that we vowed we would never do happen. And it doesn't mean we are "over" our loss or that we have "moved" on. It means, stop! Take a step back and pat ourselves on the back. That one small step that seems completely hysterical and tiny to some...it's a hurdle. It's aomething I accomplished in my own journey. So today, I hit a milestone.