Tonight I was doing some thinking. Scary, I know right? I have struggled with this since Bentley died. I have tried so hard to be the girl I was before Bentley died. I have tried to go and have fun and hang out with friends. I have made efforts and I have struggled with pure loneliness and isolation since Bentley died.
A few weeks ago, I looked through my "Facebook friends" and about 85% of my friends are fellow baby loss friends. Friends I've met since Bentley died. Where did everyone else go? ....
Blake and I have friends, don't get me wrong. This isn't a pity me party. It isn't like we have no one because I have some pretty amazing friends but the majority of those friends are people who walked in when suddenly things changed with other friends.
I often think, did I scare my friends? Do they think I'm a psycho or a jinx? Are they afraid to be around me? Or do they think I have changed? Or do they feel that we've just grown apart? I struggle with these questions. I shed tears over this questions. When I see people having girls night or get togethers, I often think when did I stop that? And....I quickly remember.
Sometimes I think my life is overwhelming for people and I totally respect that, but I have a few things I'd like to release and let go of....my good friend and mentor Heidi always uses the phrase "I'm just a girl". And how true is that? I'm just a girl. That's all. Which Leads me to say...
I'm a girl who loves to go shopping with my friends.
I'm a girl who likes to pig out and watch movies
I'm a girl who likes to help my friends out with whatever they have going on.
I'm a girl who likes to go to the park and swim and have a picnic.
I'm a girl who enjoys laughing and sitting around chatting about old times.
I'm a girl who enjoys having dinner with friends.
I'm a girl who'd like to go on dates with our friends.
I'm a girl who would like a girls night or a couples night or family night with the kiddos.
I'm a girl who is in a way the same girl I always was.
Yes. My son died. Yes, his name is Bentley. And he's a huge part of my life...but at the end of the day I am...we are the same people. I struggle to find my place sometimes bc where do we fit?
I should fit everywhere because Bentleys death doesn't define my life. Bentleys life has given me a new purpose and desires and fulfillment but at end of the day my likes and past times haven't changed...
So in these almost 28 months I've remained the same, I just hav new parts of my life too. My question to everyone is... Can both parts of my life fit into our friendship? Because at the end of the day... I'm the same girl who loves to shop and always has but why is now I do it alone...