This last week we did some major cleaning and rearranging in our household. I brought up a rocking chair that Blake's parents had painted for us. This chair means a lot to me. It is Chases chair but that chair resembles more than a rocking chair. It often is just sitting there empty, it is sometimes overwhelms me. I feel like sometimes that chair represents Bentley. Bentleys chair. As we sit cuddled up on the counch or recliner I glance at that chair and I like to picture a 2 1/2 year old little boy rocking around antagozing his little brother...
Which brings me to this...last night I walked into living room and Chase was sitting in the rocking chair. He was watching a cartoon. The cartoon was all about big brothers and little brothers. He was mesmerized. More so than I've ever seen. And my mind began to race...what does he really think when we ask him about my Bentley and he points to heaven? What will he think? Will he grow up feeling the huge ache in his heart like we do? I feel so bad. So bad that he will grow up without his big brother. Yes, Bentley will always be a huge part of our lives but physically he isn't here and that can take such a huge tole on a kid ...I've heard stories and witnessed over rainbows and it breaks my heart that they too feel the pain of someone missing, someone they never even met.... A brothers bond is like no other whether far or near they'll always be brothers. I know in the years to come questions will begin...
Chase loves Briella though! He's always hugging her and giving her kisses. I know he'll be an amazing big brother but I also know he'd make an awesome little brother too. For that he'll never be recognized :/
Briella too... I look in her eyes and I continue to see so much of Bentley. I imagine if they woulda been close as their looks are! I wonder how it'll make her feel that one brother got to stay but the other has to live in heaven. She's got twice the protection tho!
These questions/thoughts are just a few of the things baby loss parents worry about. I hate these questions that race through my mind. I just wish all my kids could be here physically..one day. Heaven can't come soon enough!