I haven't written much lately. Really, I never write at all. I never stop. I go and go and go. I don't do anything but stay busy and run from one place to another. I add and add more stuff to my plate, and I never "stop the smell the roses." To be honest, I never was that person. I never was someone who valued the little things until Bentleys death. When Bentley died, my life changed. Drastically- but lately, I have found myself becoming the same busy person I was before Bentleys death.
When someone's busy they don't have to "deal with life" or so some may think. The busier that I become I find the stress of life just growing and growing. I just want simple. I don't want complicated. I want a normal life in whatever way that my look. I don't want to be busy to keep moving forward. I want to slow down. I want to minimize our stresses and our stuff. When did life have to get so hard?
I think most days I'm able to get through the cracks of life without anyone seeing the chaos and the craziness of our lives. I get by. I blend in, so that I'm not in the line light. I don't feel the need to "dump" my problems because that's simply unwanted. But I do want to be real. I want to be very real.
When I look at myself, I struggle. I struggle deep within. I have roots that go every which direction. I struggle because I see the mother who feels like I failed Bentley. My body failed him. I see the pain in my eyes in his absence but I feel the pain of all those close to me. I know it isn't my fault but the fact that Bentley died inside of me battles the enviable. It wasn't my fault but sometimes it just feels that way. My kids grow up without their brother. My husband grows up without his first born boy. And, here we are left to make sense of this void.
I look in the mirror and I see a girl, just a girl standing there trying to make sense of balancing a work life and motherhood. I wonder am I making the right decision on working... I hate seeing the look in Chases eyes as I tell him that mommy has to go to work. In that mirror, I see a mother who has failed her living son and daughter.
When i check again, I find the angry, the hurts, the stresses that just bring me down. I don't see the happy go lucky girl I used to be. It affects Blake and I. We fight and we try to make sense of this chaos. We both struggle so much of expectations we have set for ourselves I think. We struggle to be the people we are meant to be because we are so busy fulfilling an... expectation of who we are supposed to be. And, sometimes I feel we just need to be kids again. Being adults is tough stuff...
Which brings me to my next topic...
Our house. Our landlord hasn't been honest with us. Blake and I had planned to purchase this house once we felt we were in a place to purchase until we learned that the home has been in foreclosure and a flip side loan. Blake and I have mailed off the check diligently each month and we've been pushing speeding up the contract we were hoping to sign to be able to eventually purchase the home.
Only to learn that the landlord has been given options that are out of control... Where does that put us?!
Blake and I had finally felt like we had a home. We felt like our lives had been in a place where we needed to be. And BOOM--life happens once again, and we are quickly knocked down. I say that because even though Bentleys death has no correlation-- the feelings are the same. We question and we scream and we feel
Clueless and lost and disheartened. The same unknown of why these bad things keep happening creep in. Our options are limited.
We pay so much in rent that moving is difficult to fathom due to funds. We are seeking options and I'm asking people to join us in this prayer. It has put a damper in our lives greatly. We have hit a new fork in the road, and I'm trying so hard not to say why God but what are you doing with this God... Where is this taking us? At this point, I have no clue.
And, on a completely different note, I have been having some health concerns which just makes matters even more hectic. Prayers for that too!!
It isn't shocking that I have felt so "blah" in life, but I hate these feelings. I just want to simplify our life in whatever way that makes sense.