Life throws curve balls in our lives so much. We can give up and we can battle it out at the plate. I have found that I've encountered quite a few curve balls myself, but in almost 29 months, I've definitely hit my all time high! It's coming up on 29 months since those 7 words changed my life. I think back in those moments that we sat there dumbfounded. I think about the last moment I felt you move or the last time I had a conversation. I think back to the times where life finally felt like it was perfect only to learn in minutes that our life crashed. The pieces of our lives shattered on the ground when the doctor spoke those seven words.
How did this happen? Why did it happen? And how did we get here? Those thoughts raced through my brain and I'm not going to lie...some days they still do. But, I have come SO far in 29 months. I think sometimes people view my posts and think "wow, is she ever going to move on". I know that people think it but they don't say it. But, let me tell you..I will never move on and I will never stop talking but I've taken more steps in the right direction than I ever thought I would.
In 29 months, I've overcome a lot of hurts and fears and anxieties. I don't feel that I need to name these accomplishments in the last 29 months, but I do know that I am incredibly blessed. My Bentley lived for 38 weeks. I felt him squirm and kick and stretch for 38 wonderful weeks. And I held my sweet boy, all 6lbs 19inches of him...I touched his cheeks and rubbed his head. I whispered 'I love you' in his ears. I memorized his face, his chest, his toes, and every aspect of our Bentley. I was blessed to have held him and cradled him close. I was blessed to have a place to go and honor him with a service and I was blessed to stand above his stone and memorialize him. I was so blessed.
Some may think Stephanie, how do you think you're blessed? Your son died...loss parents and families may think I'm nuts by saying that I felt--feel blessed. But, I do. Bentley's life has touched thousands. He has had such an impact. And, Blake and I created that blessing. We created his life together, and he didn't just live 38 weeks. He is STILL living--not physically but God has used his life. He is using his life. Blake and I are Bentley's hands and feet. God made Bentley and he crafted him for a purpose. And I will always celebrate his life.
I think so many have a misconception that moms and dads talking about their baby that's passed is unhealthy or not normal. Some may feel that we aren't moving on. But, it is perfectly normal. It is needed. It is essential because that's our baby. Our child. Our hopes. Our dreams. Our babies have a purpose.
Tonight, I was preparing for an upcoming Birth Professionals workshop that I am leading through Stillbirthday. I was sitting on my kitchen counter. I was brainstorming. I was planning. I was writing. I was doodling. I was being Bentley's purpose. October 17, 2011, Blake and I repeatedly said 'I don't wish this upon my worst enemy'. We wanted to help. We didn't know how. We didn't know where. But, we found our way. We've mustered through these 29 months and we've created a beautiful story. We've met so many families. We've delivered so many memory boxes. We've attended memorial, we've held events, and we've lived Bentley's life ultimately. We vowed to help the next family...and tonight as I planned for my workshop, I dug deep within and I realized wow, we are so blessed.
I never imagined my life to be this way. Do we have a lot money? Nope. Do we have a perfect life? Nope. Do we always get along? Nope. But, we've encountered more situations and overcome more obstacles than I ever imagined. We've been blessed by every obstacle. We've leaned something from each family that has crossed our paths and we have walked forward with carrying another precious babies memory.
29 months ago, I never imagined this. Not once. Did I find my calling? Maybe so. But did I want to? Not this way...but God has blessed each story, each heartache, each grieving family in our lives for a purpose and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that Bentley has sent us blessings. The strength I've learned and seen demonstrated in the baby loss community will never cease to amaze me. There really is no words to truly explain where we are in our lives. But I feel that we are hitting a new era. An era that needs a lot prayers and support--both emotionally and financially. There's a lot of dreams and hopes and ambitions for helping within the baby loss community. I pray that God uses us to demonstrate hope. To Help others acknowledge their grief. To speak boldly and talk proudly about their beautiful baby. I just pray that Bentleys life will continue to touch lives.
He changed our lives...each day I learn something new. :)