It has been 10 months. 10 long months...10 months since your lil heart stopped beating...10 months ago you left us and entered heaven. And, those 10 months, in some moments...they feel like a lifetime, and in the next breathe they feel like 10 seconds. I really can't believe that 10 months ago today....I laid in bed pregnant with you, Bentley. Little did I know that was going to be the last time that we laid in bed together, you in my belly, mommy and daddy and Bailey at our feet. We were so ready to meet you. We were both so anxious. You were our first lil man. We had so many hopes, dreams, aspirations that we had looked forward to in the coming months, years, and lifetime together. We never imagined that all of that would change just short of 24 hours later. 10 months ago, those awful words were said. "Stephanie, I'm sorry, Bentley's heart isn't beating". Those words sting. Those words are so difficult to hear, but I hear them over and over again in my head everyday. I thank God for those 38 weeks that we shared together, and I can't wait until our family can be reunited again.
Bentley, you served such a purpose in our lives. I am reminded of that every day during these last 10 months. I say it often, but I know that you heart stopped here physically with us, but you are living far better off with Jesus in heaven than I could have ever of offered to you. Your daddy and I would do anything to undo that, but I know that you've touched us and many others. You taught me a lot about how precious life is. You taught me to never take things for granted. You have brought people into my life that I never would have known otherwise. You have given us a miracle--your baby brother, Chase. You have given your daddy and I a receive to be better people. You have enhanced our marriage. You have drawn us closer to God. We miss you every second of everyday, but we live our lives because of you and because of Chase. Our boys are what is keeping us going, both in a different way.
These weeks have been difficult since Chase been here. They are a reminder of what should have been. Again, I know that I should not live in the world it should be or if only, but I can tell you the harsh reality has hit us...our lives would be so different. Our lives would consist of two baby boys to be taken care of...I'd do anything for that, but instead we visit your grave. We stand above a stone that mommy and daddy and those that love you decorate...we take pictures as a family with a stone or with your teddy bear to have your memory wherever we are. It's just so difficult to believe that this is our reality. We are physical parents here on earth to Chase, and we are parents who are grieving and parenting their child who has passed. Many may not understand that journey; ha, I don't think I always understand that journey, but I am trusting that God is continuing to carry us through. God has been faithful to Blake and I. I believe he will continue to be faithful. I believe that all we need to do is continue to say "God, you've gotten me this far, now help me take another step", I know that he will.Something that has stuck out to me in these last 10 months...is that God promises us that there is hope. He promises us that there is joy. We may suffer and have heartache--he never promised that life was going to be easy...but he promises us that if we trust Him that he will guide us. He has given Blake and I comfort, joy, and peace. There are days that are difficult, and I think we will always have that, but I can assure you that continuing to do this with God's strength is going to be far more rewarding than handling it on our own.
So, in ending, Bentley's life ended 10 months ago on earth, but he's been rejoicing in heaven for 10 months too...we will see him again in heaven. I love you always and forever Bentley! Your baby brother is going to know the impact that you've had, and I know that you will