Well, I know that I wrote a small blog earlier today, but I have been feeling the need to write another, and writing seems to help me process everything. I really miss Bentley a lot. And, I know Blake misses Bentley so much too. And, even though Chase doesn't know it yet....he is going to grow up missing Bentley too. It is funny because I talk to Chase often about Bentley, and he gets a huge smile on his face, and he stares at me so intently. I believe he knows. It is difficult because there are moments when I am talking to Chase or reading him a book or watching him sleep and the tears begin to flow. I have never been a person to cry or to admit to people that I cry or to really ever show emotion, but I will be the first to tell you...I cry all the time. I cry not because I am depressed. I get tired of people telling me that I shouldn't get depressed, blah blah...it is grief. This is normal. I am a normal. We are normal. This life we were dealt is a difficult one. I always knew that life was going to be hard, but I never imagined that I would live with this pain. I never imagined that every day it would be a challenge to put a smile on my face.
My midwife made the statement at my 6 week appointment that she had never seen me smile until that moment that I was holding Chase in my arms in our first picture with him. And, it is probably the truth. I think looking back at all our pictures in 11 months...you may see a smile, but it wasn't a true smile of happiness. It is a girl hiding behind the pain. I can tell the difference. So, Chase has become his part in our healer in that aspect. I smile a little more. It may sound like a simple step forward, but it is a step forward. Every little step is progress.
I'd do anything to go back and bring Bentley here to be with us, but I know that I will see him again in heaven. Now, these next 30 days I feel that we are going to need people more than ever to stand behind us. We are entering a very emotional and difficult time. We are planning a celebration for our firstborn son who should very well be here with us. We should not be mourning. We should not be crying. We should be playing and laughing and making memories together as a family, but instead we continue to live our lives in honor of Bentley. That is my goal...to honor our son. I live my lives for Bentley and Chase. I want to always make my son's proud. They have given me a reason to get up, and they are both what keeps me going. Pray that this next month will be gentle on us...as this road is not easy...i can't stress that enough.
People don't realize that when you become pregnant--planned or not. You plan your child's future. You plan your child's entire life in 9 months....so then each time one of those "dreams" passes by...you are quickly reminded that you lost that the day that death tore all the pages away...Pregnancy loss is a daily everyday grieving process. It isn't something you replace or one day you wake up and you are instantly over--you live with it until the day you die...
Happy 11 months in Heaven Bentley. Mommy and Daddy and Chase