It has been 12 weeks, and guess what? It didn't rain today. It did snow a bit, but this is the first Tuesday that it hasn't rained. Bentley just sent us very chilly, winter weather instead! It seems so unreal that it has been 12 weeks when most days I feel like it's October 18. 2011. Weird, huh? I'm sure many people are probably sick of hearing me upset about Bentley. And, I'm sure that there is some who believe that this new baby will take away that pain, but I can tell you that it won't. My desire to hold Bentley in my arms is always going to be there. My sense of security and "normal" have been tainted. The pain gets easier to deal--it doesn't go away. I see children, and I read my baby updates that I still get for Bentley, and it makes me so sad. I think about the life that we would have together. I desire all the events that death stole from us. Every time I look at a "family" photo, it will never be complete. Bentley will always be missing.
When I heard those 7 words that changed my life forever..apart of myself died that day. And, I am surviving. I am hanging on by the grace of God. He is carrying me through this storm. I'm not strong. I'm not this amazing person. I am not anything without God. God is my backbone for my strength. He has kicked it into survival mode for me, and he has given me hope. He has provided comfort and support when I've needed it most. I thank God for the people he has placed in my life--always the right time. I run into so many people who suffered a loss whether a miscarriage, stillbirth, or SIDs. I have been stressing to people that it happens more than we think. We never see this type of loss until we are affected by it. My passion is to change that. People need to know that these unimaginable, tragic events do take place. They need to know how to help those that suffer these losses. It is my goal to make Pregnancy and Infant Loss known. Every baby deserves a voice.
Today was a very stressful day. It ended VERY good, but I was a nervous wreck this morning. I should have known when the car wouldn't start that today was going to be rough. A recap of today: Blake and I get awoken by Blake's dad telling us that the car won't start. Greeattt!!! They jumped it with cables, and we knew that the battery needed replaced. It was something that we both had been putting off. Well, today was the day to fix that. We decided to go ahead and get ready. I was so excited. It was Tuesday, and I'm normally NOT excited on Tuesday's since Tuesday was the day that I delivered Bentley. I guess that was my first hint that today also should be a bad day! Anyways, we left the house because I was dropping Blake off at work, going to the lab, going to get a new battery, and we desperately needed gas. After dropping Blake off at work, I went to stand in the freezing cold weather to pump gas. I hate pumping gas. Then, I decided to go ahead to the lab to get my blood work. I wanted to make sure that my blood work was back before lunch, so I went early. (Plus I had been counting down until this day--it takes me one week closer to my 1st appointment) I arrive at the lab, only to be disappointed. The lab wasn't ever received--whatever the reason--whether faxed or not faxed--it wasn't there. I won't get into great detail, but it literally took me all day to finally get the order received at the lab. Thank God the technician at the one lab went ahead and drew the lab without the order. Once I arrived there to pick up results, the tech said you can't leave until I get this order because I can get in trouble for not having the order. I said that's fine. I just really appreciate this. I explained that she had no idea how happy she had made me.
I shared my story with the lab tech. I knew that I didn't need to, but i felt like I needed to. I explained to her about how I lost Bentley, and just the anxiety that I feel going into this pregnancy. She understands completely because she herself has suffered a miscarriage loss, and she has been trying to get pregnant for a year now. I am explained to her my belief is God carrying us through this awful time. This tech may not fully understand my pain, but she can relate to my desire to become a physical mother. I cried with her; I laughed with her. But, during my conversation with her the nurse from the office called me. She was letting me know about how sorry she was, and she was giving me my results. I was so happy with them. I know that I shouldn't have expected anything different, but I know what the worst thing that can happen is. And, the biggest thing is, I don't just know what can happen--I'm experiencing the worst possible thing. I was so happy to hear those results though. I immediately prayed to God. I texted Blake the results, and we both said "praise God". We both know and understand that this isn't us doing anything.
I am continuing to lay this at his feet because he is still carrying us. God is way bigger than us, and he knows the plans he has for us. Our lives have seemed so chaotic, but God knows exactly where we are. He really sends the right people at the right time. I listen to Word FM, and I hear the right song exactly when I need to hear it. People seem to come out of the wood work at the very moment that I need someone. And, those things--are God. it is God that allows those divine interventions.
This all still seems so unreal. There are moments that I stop and I still think..."Did this really happen?" People may think I'm crazy , and I don't care. There are just these moments where it feels like things like this don't happen to people like me. Why should this things happen? it doesn't seem fair. I can't even fully describe to anyone how this feels. It really makes you think you are losing your mind most days because it is so unrealistic. The tears I cry are a reminder to this very real event. I think about everything with Bentley. Bentley is constantly on my mind. I imagine the life we could have had, and I imagine the words I longed to say to him. I spend a good bit of time writing to him, and I talk to him. I know he is here in spirit. And, I know he can hear me. I believe that Heaven isn't as far as we think it is. I always pray to God that if I could only see what Bentley's life is like for just a split second, but I know that if I saw it, then I'd wait it forever. I'm so thankful for really everything that I have in my life, and I am thankful for the time spent with Bentley, and I am thankful for the baby growing inside of me now. I just wish Bentley was physically here to sh