I've really been slacking on this updating my blog lately. Life has been quite busy. The holidays have really added a lot of stuff for us to do. We have been visiting people and hanging out and eating lots of food! Ha...gotta love the holidays! I really NEED to blog though because life gets crazy, and this blog is my place to sort my thoughts. It is a place where I come and I let everything out. This blog has become very precious to me because its a true documentation of Blake and I's journey through the loss of Bentley and where life has taken us and where life will continue to take us. Some people believe that I should blog privately or just keep thoughts to myself, but the people that believe that are wrong. They are wrong because they don't understand what this experience does to a person, and they are wrong because one day I KNOW this blog will help someone. I know that someday someone in my exact same shoes will understand, and they will relate to our journey. Those who have already empathized with my blog or have experienced a loss like ours--they get it. They realize that this is the worst pain of our lives. And, I truly believe that NO ONE can understand we feel until you have walked in our shoes. I now believe that in every aspect of life.
I believe that everyone should walk in another person's shoes or at least attempt to place yourself there because you just don't know. You just can't offer advice. And, you just can't feel sorry until you know what it is like. I feel that I depict our pain pretty well with my words that I feel it has allowed people to experience an ounce of our pain right along with us. But, as 2011 came to a close, it was quite bittersweet. One would think that I'd be ready for 2011 to come and go after losing Bentley. It isn't that way at all. I am anxious for what 2012 has to offer Blake and I or what we have to offer 2012 should I say? But, 2011 had some pretty great memories. It is in 2011 that Blake and I were pushed to the brink, and we stood firm because of Jesus.
Here's a recap of my 2011:
January: Blake and I moved back from Myrtle Beach, and we spent the month anxious to begin our new jobs at First Data. We are excited to be back with friends and family. We didn't really do too much because we both were off work for several weeks, so we spent most of our time relaxing. I began my first day of work on January 24, 2011 at First Data as a Senior Customer Service Rep. And, I got to meet some really great friends working there.
February: Blake began working at First Data this month. He had his first day like February 8th or 9th. Blake and I conceived on February 7th :) with Bentley. And, we spent this month busy working and relaxing. I spent most of it sleeping a good bit because little did I know that on February 24, 2011 I took a home pregnancy test, and it was POSITIVE! I was pregnant with Bentley. We quickly began preparing for our baby to come. I believe we went shopping that very weekend. I remember my phone call to Capital Women's Care. It went something like this:
Me: Hello, yes I am calling because I just took a HPT and it was a very faint plus sign. Do you think I'm pregnant?
Receptionist: Congratulations...blah blah....asking me a few questions
Me: Are you sure you think it's positive? I mean it's a really faint pink line....it isn't anything like the TV shows
Receptionist: Is it a plus sign? If it's a plus sign, then you are pregnant!
Me: Yeah....it is...but I don't know...it is just very faint! lol
Haha DUMB me....I just wanted to make sure....
March--I have my first prenatal appointment and I am given a due date of October 31, 2011. :) Blake and I had been busy planning our wedding for the next month. We were starting 2011 out great. We were getting married...we were having a baby...During March, I spent a lot of time reading and shopping for Bentley. I was eating healthy and just getting ready to be a mom.
April- WE GOT MARRIED THIS MONTH!!!!!!! :) April 29, 2011 :) We had an amazing wedding, and we went to FL for our honeymoon which took us into May. I got to celebrate my wedding pregnant. Many people may not enjoy that or think that's annoying, but I didn't mind one bit, and I now think it's so cool that Bentley got to be apart of our special day.
May: We got back from our honeymoon....anxiously awaiting our June appointment because that is when I'd learn if we were having a boy or a girl. I was determined that I wanted to know by the Kid's Stuff Yardsale. :) Silly me! But, I wanted to get good deals, and I wanted to know what we were shopping for. And, it was in May of 2011 that I got a job at Meritus Medical Center. I had been trying to get a job there for quite sometime. I started there on May 30, 2011.
June: We learned in June that our baby growing in my stomach was going to be a BOY!! We were so excited. I will never forget that day. I can see that moment just like it was yesterday. It was a great day on June 10,2011. And, the best part....the Kid's Stuff Yardsale was June 11th...I found out just in time!!! :) I celebrated my 24th birthday this month, and I'm thankful that I get to spend it with Bentley in my stomach.
July: MILE LONG YARD SALE IN MAUGANSVILLE. Need I say more?? I was like 26 weeks pregnant and we walked like 20 miles....we got Bentley so many things during this time--such great deals! I can tell you though, only day of my pregnancy that I was literally exhausted and like over heated! lol
August: I feel like all I did in August was work. WORK. WORK WORK. And, more preparing for Bentley. Every weekend Blake and I yard saled. I had probably rearranged Bentley's room 50 times by this point and washed his clothes at least 5 times lol
September: VERY long month. It just wanted October to come. I just was so looking forward to meeting Bentley. I was finally starting to really look pregnant. It was during September that I had two baby showers.
October: Changed my life forever....the first two week of October...I spent everyday walking and preparing for Bentley. My bag had been packed since September, not even kidding. I honestly didn't have a lot to do in October to prepare for Bentley--everything was ready. Doctor's appointments were great. I was feeling awesome...then October 17th came and changed our lives from that moment on...I delivered Bentley on October 18, 2011. I said hello and goodbye to Bentley...
November: Just one big blur...but we spent it taking one day at a time...grieving the loss of Bentley....
December: Blake and I missing Bentley everday....but we conceived baby #2 on December 4th...God gave us a blessing just in time for Christmas. Bentley sent us a gift....and now here I am. Here is January 2012...what does this year have for us? I have no clue, but I know that we have decided to take one day at a time. I am laying each new day at the foot of the cross. I am thanking God for every moment that I get to spend with baby #2. I am giving Him our lives. I am giving Him everything that Blake and I have, and our desire to fully rely on Him for everything.
This clearly is a quick synopsis of our lives...God has blessed us with all the ups and downs of our lives, and I see Him carrying us into the New Year. I wouldn't be standing without Jesus....not a day goes by that I don't know that I'm standing here because of Him. Praying for continued strength and perseverance. Bentley....you changed my entire life in 2011. :) Mommy loves you so much!
I believe that everyone should walk in another person's shoes or at least attempt to place yourself there because you just don't know. You just can't offer advice. And, you just can't feel sorry until you know what it is like. I feel that I depict our pain pretty well with my words that I feel it has allowed people to experience an ounce of our pain right along with us. But, as 2011 came to a close, it was quite bittersweet. One would think that I'd be ready for 2011 to come and go after losing Bentley. It isn't that way at all. I am anxious for what 2012 has to offer Blake and I or what we have to offer 2012 should I say? But, 2011 had some pretty great memories. It is in 2011 that Blake and I were pushed to the brink, and we stood firm because of Jesus.
Here's a recap of my 2011:
January: Blake and I moved back from Myrtle Beach, and we spent the month anxious to begin our new jobs at First Data. We are excited to be back with friends and family. We didn't really do too much because we both were off work for several weeks, so we spent most of our time relaxing. I began my first day of work on January 24, 2011 at First Data as a Senior Customer Service Rep. And, I got to meet some really great friends working there.
February: Blake began working at First Data this month. He had his first day like February 8th or 9th. Blake and I conceived on February 7th :) with Bentley. And, we spent this month busy working and relaxing. I spent most of it sleeping a good bit because little did I know that on February 24, 2011 I took a home pregnancy test, and it was POSITIVE! I was pregnant with Bentley. We quickly began preparing for our baby to come. I believe we went shopping that very weekend. I remember my phone call to Capital Women's Care. It went something like this:
Me: Hello, yes I am calling because I just took a HPT and it was a very faint plus sign. Do you think I'm pregnant?
Receptionist: Congratulations...blah blah....asking me a few questions
Me: Are you sure you think it's positive? I mean it's a really faint pink line....it isn't anything like the TV shows
Receptionist: Is it a plus sign? If it's a plus sign, then you are pregnant!
Me: Yeah....it is...but I don't know...it is just very faint! lol
Haha DUMB me....I just wanted to make sure....
March--I have my first prenatal appointment and I am given a due date of October 31, 2011. :) Blake and I had been busy planning our wedding for the next month. We were starting 2011 out great. We were getting married...we were having a baby...During March, I spent a lot of time reading and shopping for Bentley. I was eating healthy and just getting ready to be a mom.
April- WE GOT MARRIED THIS MONTH!!!!!!! :) April 29, 2011 :) We had an amazing wedding, and we went to FL for our honeymoon which took us into May. I got to celebrate my wedding pregnant. Many people may not enjoy that or think that's annoying, but I didn't mind one bit, and I now think it's so cool that Bentley got to be apart of our special day.
May: We got back from our honeymoon....anxiously awaiting our June appointment because that is when I'd learn if we were having a boy or a girl. I was determined that I wanted to know by the Kid's Stuff Yardsale. :) Silly me! But, I wanted to get good deals, and I wanted to know what we were shopping for. And, it was in May of 2011 that I got a job at Meritus Medical Center. I had been trying to get a job there for quite sometime. I started there on May 30, 2011.
June: We learned in June that our baby growing in my stomach was going to be a BOY!! We were so excited. I will never forget that day. I can see that moment just like it was yesterday. It was a great day on June 10,2011. And, the best part....the Kid's Stuff Yardsale was June 11th...I found out just in time!!! :) I celebrated my 24th birthday this month, and I'm thankful that I get to spend it with Bentley in my stomach.
July: MILE LONG YARD SALE IN MAUGANSVILLE. Need I say more?? I was like 26 weeks pregnant and we walked like 20 miles....we got Bentley so many things during this time--such great deals! I can tell you though, only day of my pregnancy that I was literally exhausted and like over heated! lol
August: I feel like all I did in August was work. WORK. WORK WORK. And, more preparing for Bentley. Every weekend Blake and I yard saled. I had probably rearranged Bentley's room 50 times by this point and washed his clothes at least 5 times lol
September: VERY long month. It just wanted October to come. I just was so looking forward to meeting Bentley. I was finally starting to really look pregnant. It was during September that I had two baby showers.
October: Changed my life forever....the first two week of October...I spent everyday walking and preparing for Bentley. My bag had been packed since September, not even kidding. I honestly didn't have a lot to do in October to prepare for Bentley--everything was ready. Doctor's appointments were great. I was feeling awesome...then October 17th came and changed our lives from that moment on...I delivered Bentley on October 18, 2011. I said hello and goodbye to Bentley...
November: Just one big blur...but we spent it taking one day at a time...grieving the loss of Bentley....
December: Blake and I missing Bentley everday....but we conceived baby #2 on December 4th...God gave us a blessing just in time for Christmas. Bentley sent us a gift....and now here I am. Here is January 2012...what does this year have for us? I have no clue, but I know that we have decided to take one day at a time. I am laying each new day at the foot of the cross. I am thanking God for every moment that I get to spend with baby #2. I am giving Him our lives. I am giving Him everything that Blake and I have, and our desire to fully rely on Him for everything.
This clearly is a quick synopsis of our lives...God has blessed us with all the ups and downs of our lives, and I see Him carrying us into the New Year. I wouldn't be standing without Jesus....not a day goes by that I don't know that I'm standing here because of Him. Praying for continued strength and perseverance. Bentley....you changed my entire life in 2011. :) Mommy loves you so much!