Well, it has been 7 weeks. 7 weeks since 7 words knocked me off my feet. 7 weeks when 7 works changed my perspective of life. Now, I am focusing on 7 words to move forward in life--" what do you have for me now? In the last 7 weeks, Blake and I have faced more emotions, more heartache, more challenges than I could have expected to face in a lifetime. I don't know why this had to happen; I don't think I ever will. For people who have been reading, I will continue to lay the "why" at Jesus' feet. I know that I couldn't be here without Him. I know that God is going to use our lives. Pastor Dave mentioned in church yesterday about how God has placed a lot of dynamic duos in the Bible. I laughed in my mind because I often think of Blake and I as a dynamic duo.
Blake is my other half. We were joined at the hip before I delivered Bentley, and we have grown even closer since Bentley went home to be with Jesus. We are like sewn together from head to toe now. It is a good thing. I feel that Blake and I are going to help others. We are going to go through this challenge, and we are going to come out on top, regardless. We won't let this tear us down. Jesus is shining through our lives now more than ever. We have allowed him to take prominence in our lives. I believe that's the only way we are going to overcome anything. Blake is my soul mate; he is the person that I rely on. He is the person who puts a smile on my face, and I am so thankful for him. I am so thankful that God gave me Blake.
Resentment. Numerous people have used to word. Some will say, "I know you have resentment towards pregnant people right now". According to Webster's Dictionary, resentment means anger, bitterness, or ill will. I can assure EVERYONE that I do not have resentment towards pregnant people. I am not angry with people for being pregnant. I am not bitter because another girl is pregnant. And, I surely do not have ill will towards those individuals either. I am tired of hearing that I am resentful. I am NOT the definition of resentment. Honestly, the only time I feel anger is to those that have children and do not care for me. People who have children and abuse them. I read a story last evening from Myrtle Beach that some mother left their NEWBORN baby in a Bath and Body Works BOX TO DIE....it was only a few days old! Seriously? I have anger towards that women, yes, I do. Who wouldn't? I ask God to be there with that women who did that. I ask God to make her realize how she just took a precious life and chose to ended it. People who have abortions--do I hate them? No, but I hate the act. I hate the choice they make. My wish is to meet someone and change their mind. I want people to think of their children. I want them to realize their unborn baby needs to be a greater concern to themselves instead of worrying about a one night of drinking or a period of your life. There is a bigger picture, and the unborn baby didn't ask for death.
Next tangent, I am not bitter towards other pregnant people. I guess anger kind of goes right in hand, but I can assure you that I am not bitter towards people who are pregnant. My wish is simply that people count their blessings. I would like people to take a look at what they have and use those blessings. I would like people to realize that their children aren't burdens or hindrances, but they are gifts--gifts from God. And, most importantly, I am not resentful towards pregnant people because I do NOT WISH ILL WILL. Again, I DO NOT WISH ILL WILL. I hate this. I hate that people called me resentful. I want nothing more than someone to successful make it through labor with a live baby. That is the goal right? Well, I only wish for that. I don't wish this pain upon ANYONE, not even my worst enemy. I pray for every person that I know is pregnant. I pray that they won't experience this. I pray that NO ONE has to experience this, but I know that isn't realistic. I know that God has plans, bigger than ours. I just simply know that I want every baby that is conceived to be born...so please DO NOT CALL BE RESENTFUL.
Moving on...church. Church always makes me cry. I think I cry every Sunday. I will be doing so well, and I just lose it when I get to church. I see so many people that care there, I don't know if that is why. I often feel the closet to Bentley when I'm at church. It is really hard to explain sometimes. We sing a lot of praise and worship, and I will be honest this is where it kicks in. The songs we sing allow me to picture Bentley singing with the angels in heaven. I picture what a sound that is. I picture what it will be like. I picture my little boy singing to the top of his lungs to praise Jesus. I feel so close to Bentley at that moment. I just lose it. I cry, and I typically have to walk out at least once. Everyone stares, but I don't care. I just cry. I miss Bentley. And, church is where I feel closest to Him. I hope that someday I can make it through a church service without having to cry, but I don't know if that will happen.
Well, I am going to attempt to get something done today...Bentley I LO