I am not sure who still reads my blog, but there are people out there who read, and it surprises me because I have barely written much in these last few months. I have had a really hard time sitting down to write because life has just been so busy. And, this life has just been so difficult with the daily struggle of our loss with Bentley and handling this pregnancy. It is difficult to sit down and explain and write how we feel because sometimes it is just plain exhausting. It is exhausting to feel. It is exhausting to describe those feelings on top of already feelings them. I hope that makes sense. So, I apologize that I have not been writing. But, I can tell you that I notice a different when I don't write though. Writing has helped me express the pain and gives me an outlet instead of holding it in for fear that no one will understand.
I know that a lot of people reach out and let me know that they are there, but it is tough to even reach out and convey this journey through the loss of a baby. No one understands unless they have been through the pain themselves. I get snippy with people. I find myself getting angry or upset. I pull away from people. It's so hard because most days we feel so alone but yet no one can change that because it is a side effect of losing a baby.
Well, today was a very difficult day. Bentley turned 8 months in heaven. Wow. In heaven? Seriously, I have to add those words to end of every "Bentley turned..." It sucks. I wish I could be normal and just plain say Happy 8 months, Happy Birthday. Yes, my son is. But, no people who have lost babies respond with phrases like "my baby would be" or "he/she lives in heaven". Urgh, I hate it. I hate that Bentley is not here with us. I'd do anything to go back.
I woke up today well, after barely getting any sleep. Blake and I have struggled so much with sleep lately. I am paranoid all the time. I wake up from nightmares either in tears, screaming, or talking. It is quite scary and intense sometimes. Well, I got ready for work, off to the dreaded hospital. On the car ride there, I just lost it. I sobbed. I sat in the car for a bit before entering the hospital because it was just so hard.
I know that a lot of people reach out and let me know that they are there, but it is tough to even reach out and convey this journey through the loss of a baby. No one understands unless they have been through the pain themselves. I get snippy with people. I find myself getting angry or upset. I pull away from people. It's so hard because most days we feel so alone but yet no one can change that because it is a side effect of losing a baby.
Well, today was a very difficult day. Bentley turned 8 months in heaven. Wow. In heaven? Seriously, I have to add those words to end of every "Bentley turned..." It sucks. I wish I could be normal and just plain say Happy 8 months, Happy Birthday. Yes, my son is. But, no people who have lost babies respond with phrases like "my baby would be" or "he/she lives in heaven". Urgh, I hate it. I hate that Bentley is not here with us. I'd do anything to go back.
I woke up today well, after barely getting any sleep. Blake and I have struggled so much with sleep lately. I am paranoid all the time. I wake up from nightmares either in tears, screaming, or talking. It is quite scary and intense sometimes. Well, I got ready for work, off to the dreaded hospital. On the car ride there, I just lost it. I sobbed. I sat in the car for a bit before entering the hospital because it was just so hard.