I've spent a lot of my time recently just reading blogs. Blake plays video games, and I navigate the internet to find other people's stories. I like reading other people's stories. It gives me hope. I enjoy reading their experiences, and obstacles they have overcome and how they handled it. I have gotten in contact with some random mother's across the United States regarding their experiences and where their life is now. It is sad that I have to make new "friends" that way, but I guess it is apart of our new normal. I'll be honest though...I hate that. I literally despise having to have awkward conversations, so I feel that I have resorted to having more conversations primarily with mothers who have experienced a loss.
I know that no one wants to make me feel awkward anymore than I want to feel awkward. It is a part of our new normal...awkwardness. YAY! NOT!!!!! I don't think this will ever go away--some say it will, but at this point, I don't believe that. I try so hard to have a normal conversation with people. I feel that in the middle of my conversations, I lose my train of thought. My mind wanders to some place curious to know what Bentley would look like if he was here? Would I be calling people to tell them that he just rolled over, rather I just updated his grave? Would I be hearing him laugh, rather than imaging that I hear a baby cry? Would I be worried about being exhausted and never getting sleep, but rather I long to sleep, but it is so difficult?
I can't complain too much though because I read other's blogs, and I talk to other people, and I feel like we are at a good place. I feel mentally stable. I feel a peace. Do I wish to return? I stared at my maternity pictures today...I want my stomach back so bad. I want Bentley's head in my pelvis. I want the kicks. I want to feel him. I want to see him. I long for those things. I really do. But, I do feel that Blake and I are doing well. I appreciate the constant thoughts and prayers from everyone. I am thankful that God is on my side, and that I know He is watching over us. I pray that Blake and I will continue to see God in our lives.
My doctors appointment...many have questioned how it went. I struggled to write about it. Did it go well? Well, how "good" could it go? I can't say it went great simply because what is great about having to sit and discuss with your doctor about Bentley being stillborn? How can you have a good conversation about that? There is nothing "good" about that thought. My appointment was decent. I survived the visit to the office. It was difficult. I am not going to lie. I am thankful it wasn't the same office location, but I did see Dr. Solberg, and the ultrasound tech as soon as I rounded the corner. Did I cry? HECK YES! I sobbed...I sobbed not because I am angry with him. It wasn't Dr. Solberg's fault. He didn't cause Bentley's heart to stop beating. I cried because he is forever apart of my life. He is forever associated with October 17, 2011. I cried from every person that I saw. Emotions flood my mind when I think about any of the doctors there or midwives because I am reminded of every visit, every interaction, and every conversation. I am not saying anything negative, and I don't want people to think that I had a bad medical practice. I am not saying that they did anything wrong, but I am not saying that they did everything right either. I am simply leaving at it...I don't know God's plans. I don't know why, so I don't want to dissect the why anymore. I want precautions for the future--end of story regarding my office visit.
I will end with some Bible verses that have comforted me: Psalm 9:9
The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the hornof my salvation, my stronghold.
I know that no one wants to make me feel awkward anymore than I want to feel awkward. It is a part of our new normal...awkwardness. YAY! NOT!!!!! I don't think this will ever go away--some say it will, but at this point, I don't believe that. I try so hard to have a normal conversation with people. I feel that in the middle of my conversations, I lose my train of thought. My mind wanders to some place curious to know what Bentley would look like if he was here? Would I be calling people to tell them that he just rolled over, rather I just updated his grave? Would I be hearing him laugh, rather than imaging that I hear a baby cry? Would I be worried about being exhausted and never getting sleep, but rather I long to sleep, but it is so difficult?
I can't complain too much though because I read other's blogs, and I talk to other people, and I feel like we are at a good place. I feel mentally stable. I feel a peace. Do I wish to return? I stared at my maternity pictures today...I want my stomach back so bad. I want Bentley's head in my pelvis. I want the kicks. I want to feel him. I want to see him. I long for those things. I really do. But, I do feel that Blake and I are doing well. I appreciate the constant thoughts and prayers from everyone. I am thankful that God is on my side, and that I know He is watching over us. I pray that Blake and I will continue to see God in our lives.
My doctors appointment...many have questioned how it went. I struggled to write about it. Did it go well? Well, how "good" could it go? I can't say it went great simply because what is great about having to sit and discuss with your doctor about Bentley being stillborn? How can you have a good conversation about that? There is nothing "good" about that thought. My appointment was decent. I survived the visit to the office. It was difficult. I am not going to lie. I am thankful it wasn't the same office location, but I did see Dr. Solberg, and the ultrasound tech as soon as I rounded the corner. Did I cry? HECK YES! I sobbed...I sobbed not because I am angry with him. It wasn't Dr. Solberg's fault. He didn't cause Bentley's heart to stop beating. I cried because he is forever apart of my life. He is forever associated with October 17, 2011. I cried from every person that I saw. Emotions flood my mind when I think about any of the doctors there or midwives because I am reminded of every visit, every interaction, and every conversation. I am not saying anything negative, and I don't want people to think that I had a bad medical practice. I am not saying that they did anything wrong, but I am not saying that they did everything right either. I am simply leaving at it...I don't know God's plans. I don't know why, so I don't want to dissect the why anymore. I want precautions for the future--end of story regarding my office visit.
I will end with some Bible verses that have comforted me: Psalm 9:9
The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the hornof my salvation, my stronghold.