I. hate. it. Anxiety.That 8 letter word has become most of my life since October 17, 2011. Those 8 words have really become to define my life since losing Bentley. It isn't something that I can control either. Many people don't understand or look at me funny, but it's the truth. I have never been someone who lives in "fear" or has anxiety about events of life. You can ask my parents...I have always faced things head on, regardless consequences. Most times I wouldn't even think about the decisions that I made. Boy has life changed! I think about EVERYTHING!!!! Everything that crosses my mind, flashes a life of consequences or worst case scenarios. And, there isn't anything that I can do to stop it. Many people probably feel that I am a "debbie downer", but I have become realistic. I have lost my mind of innocence or being naive that bad things happen. Most days...I feel like I am just waiting for something to happen--for something to just take a turn for a worst. And. I. Hate. It. I don't want to live this way. I am trying really hard to leave it all at God's feet, but it is something I struggle with.
Another thing that I have been struggling with...trying to remain happy and optimistic for every pregnant girl I know. It is VERY hard. I don't want to be a "debbie downer" again, but I can't be naive to think that every person I know that's pregnant won't go through our experience. Honestly, they probably won't, but I can't promise them that. I can't tell them that I don't worry that it could. I can't tell them what the doctors say--"you're young, you're healthy". Those phrases are lies most times because you know when these types of things happen--when you're young and healthy. I have read so many stories, and they don't have to the girl who takes drugs or drinks while pregnant; they don't happen to the boyfriend who beats on their girl and child; and, it certainly doesn't happen to the person who hates children. It really seems to happen to ones who long for a child; the ones who would do anything to have their baby with them; the ones that did everything right. It is the people who you'd never think or least expect something to happen to them. So, yes, I can't look a pregnant girl in the face and tell them that everything is going to be just fine. Some may think I am wrong for that, but honestly, I don't care. I refuse to because I kind of wish just one time someone would have said--These things happen. I know that no one can "prepare" you for this type of loss, but i didn't even realize these things happened to a healthy individual. So, if you're pregnant, and you are a friend of mine...I'm sorry if I seem negative or distant when it comes to the reality of everything. Put yourself in my shoes. Walk just a second. And, then you will understand what I mean. It is really hard to be bubbly happy about pregnancy (even my own) simply because I know that three months ago I should have been welcoming Bentley into our lives physically to stay, not saying hello and good bye at the same time. So, again, I'm sorry that I can't share that happiness when mine was ripped away three months ago...it is nothing personal. It just hurts. I cry everyday because I miss Bentley. I want him to be here. I want Bentley and the baby #2 both to be here!!!! They both deserve to be physically apart of our family... I think this is enough for tonight....I'll write more later...I need to get back to blogging more often, regardless of what anyone thinks. It is something that I need to do and I need to continue to write my feelings because this loss--losing Bentley isn't a one time deal...it is something that Blake and I live each day. Every day will go further in life is another day as a reminder of the life we would have had with Bentley, so we didn't just lose Bentley on October 17
1 Comment
DELANA BOSCO
1/21/2012 11:14:26 am
I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS,IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS THESE SAME FEELINGS, AND I DO.LOOKING AT OTHER PREGNANT WOMEN, I SEE THEM EVERYWHERE OR WITH A BABY,I WANT TO ALSO TELL THEM BE CAREFUL, AND TO PAY ATTENTION TO KICK COUNTS ,I JUST WANT PREGNANT WOMEN TO HEAR MY STORY, SO IF THIS CAN BE PREVENTED,I KNOW IT WOULD SCARE WOMEN, AND THEY WOULD THINK IM CRAZY OR SOMETHING,BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT BEING 'DEBBIE DOWNER',I LIKE YOUR BLOG ALOT, I ALSO WAS WRITNG MY FEELINGS DOWN, MY FRIEND FROM CHURCH GOT ME A JOURNAL IN MEMORY OF MY DAUGHTER BROOKLYN.THE OTHER THING THAT IM SAD ABOUT IS THAT I GOT MY TUBES TIED, SO I CAN'T HAVE ANYMORECHILDREN NOW.THIS WAS A DECISION I MADE WHILE I WAS STILL PREGNANT, BECAUSE I HAVE HAD 2 BRAIN BLEEDS, ONE IN 2009, AND ONE IN 2010, THE DOCTOR'S SAID I SHOULD NEVER GET PREGNANT, BECAUSE OF BLOOD PRESSURE ISSUES, AND DUE TO THE FACT THAT OUR BLOOD VOLUME DOUBLES WHILE PREGNANT.SO THE DAY OF DELIVERY, I STILL WANTED MY TUBES TIED, BECAUSE OF MY HEALTH ISSUES, AND THEN AT THIS POINT I SAID, GOD DIDNT WANT ME TO HAVE THIS BABY, SO WHY HAVE ANOTHER ONE. AFTERWARDS, WITHIN A COUPLE OF DAYS AFTER, I REGRETED IT, AND WANTED TO TRY AGAIN, BUT IT WAS TO LATE.BUT I JUST PRAYED ABOUT IT, AND I HAVE OVERCOME IT, I AM AND WILL HAVE TO BE CONTENT WITH MY PRECIOUS BOYS THE LORD HAS BLESSED ME WITH.WE WERE ALL LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING A LITTLE GIRL AROUND THE HOUSE.I NEVER THOUGHT I WANTED TO HAVE A LITTLE GIRL, UNTIL I WAS PREGNANT WITH ONE.THE OTHER SAD PART WAS COMING HOME, AND HAVING TO SEE ALL OF HER STUFF HERE.HER CRIB, AND CLOTHES, SHE HAD LOTS AND LOTS OF CLOTHES...ALL KINDS OF BABY STUFF EVERYWHERE, WAITING FOR HER.I STILL HAVE A DRESSER FULL OF CLOTHES, SOME CLOTHES STILL LEFT IN THE CLOSET.WE TOOK ALOT OF STUFF BACK.MY SISTER ALSO TOOK ALOT OF STUFF BACK FOR ME. THAT WAS VERY SAD FOR ME.AND MY HUSBAND, HE HAD JUST PUT HER CRIB UP, JUST MONTHS BEFORE, AND NOW HE WAS HAVING TO TAKE IT DOWN. WATCHING MY BELLY GO DOWN, KNOWING SHE WASNT IN THERE ANYMORE,I WOULDNT FEEL HER KICK, OR HICCUP.ONLY GOD CAN GET YOU THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THIS.EVEN THOUGH WE WONT EVER UNDERSTAND IT,I FIND COMFORT KNOWING GOD IS HERE WITH ME, GETTING ME THROUGH THIS.HE KNEW SHE WAS ONLY GOING TO LIVE 36 WEEKS AND 3 DAYS, HE KNEW THAT DAY WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, HE KNEW WE WOULD HAVE A FUNERALFOR HER, AND GO THROUGH THIS.BUT HE LOVED HER, HE FORMED HER IN MY WOMB, HE KNEW I WOULD HAVE 3 BABY SHOWERS, BECAUSE HE KNEW SHE WOULD BE AND WAS LOVED BY MANY.BUT SHE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE AN ANGEL IN HEAVEN, AND SHE NEVER HAD TO LIVE AND GROW UP IN THIS SAD, HATEFUL, SINFUL WORLD.AS MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE TO BE SELFISH, AND HAVE HER HERE WITH ME AND HER DADDY, AND HER 2 WONDERFUL BIG BROTHERS, I WOULD MUCH RATHER HER BE IN HEAVEN WITH OUR HEAVENLY FATHER, AND HER GRANDMOTHER, AND GRANDFATHER.SHE IS SAFE AND PROTECTED, AND LOVED.I WOULDNT TRADE THAT FOR ANYTHING. THAT'S ALL THE THINGS WE WANT FOR OUR CHILDREN AND LOVED ONE.IS FOR THEM TO BE SAFE, LOVED AND PROTECTED.I AM REASSURED BY GOD'S LOVE,MERCY,AND GRACE EVERYDAY THAT I WAKE UP.JUST REMEMBER JEREMIAH 29:11, FOR I KNOW THE THOUGHT I HAVE FOR YOU, SAYS THE LORD, THOUGHTS OF PEACE AND NOT OF EVIL, TO GIVE YOU A FUTURE AND A HOPE.THIS IS TRUE, YOU MAY NOT KNOW IT OR SEE IT RIGHT NOW, BUT IF YOU HOLD ON TO THIS, YOU WILL SEE THIS COME TO PASS.PUT YOUR TRUST IN JESUS, GIVE YOURSELF TO HIM COMPLETLY, AND YOU AND BENTLY WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN FOR ETERNAL LIFE IN HEAVEN...GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR NEW PRECIOUS HEALTHY BABY.
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AuthorWe are going through a very difficult journey-My husband (Blake) and I (Steph) lost our baby boy at 38 weeks. His name is Bentley Charles Nalley. This is a blog to help sort out our grief and express how we feel. Archives
June 2015
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