Wow...where to begin? Blake and I had our 14 week appointment with Dr. Solberg. Difficult. I can't tell you the intense emotions leading up to walking into that office, sitting in that waiting room, and being escorted back to the room to begin appointment. My body was shaking, and my heart was pounding. I had intense anxiety. I could tell Blake was really nervous too. As I walked back the hall at Capital, I remembered October 17, 2011...I was wearing black capris with a baby blue top...I had a HUGE smile on my face, and I was so ready to deliver Bentley, only to discover 10 minutes later Bentley had passed. This appointment although I've been trusting God with everything--filled me with that same anxiety. I tried to laugh while joking with the nurse, but I just couldn't relax. Blake was sitting in the examine room waiting for me, and I entered and read his face. He was just as nervous. We waited a few minutes for Dr. Solberg to enter the room, and it really hit me. He looked into my eyes with that deep stare that I remember that day. I couldn't look at him. I kept trying to not make eye contact, but he kept pulling me back to make eye contact. When I made eye contact, I just cried. I just sobbed because I remember that face, that face that told me the worst news of my life. I know it isn't his fault, and I don't blame him--he's associated with the worst day of my life. Do I wish that? Nope, do I hate him? Nope, there's nothing I can do to change that. I hope that as time passes it will be easier....but it is just so difficult.
One thing though Dr Solberg did allow us to get an ultrasound at my 14 week appt though which made my day because we got to see that baby #2 finally has a name...and his name is CHASE because he's a BOY!!!! :) Good thing of the week! :)
It was definately bittersweet though. Blake and I had always wanted boys, but it is very difficult too. We want Bentley to be here. We want both our boys to grow up together. I just wish we would have Bentley here physically to share all these emotions, but I know that he is watching over us in heaven. I know he's in heaven saying that's my parents and that's my baby brother. He's dancing in heaven.They probably had a party, although, I truly believe every second of everyday is a celebration.
I'll write more later...Blake and I have a busy weekend. We are moving, so we will be in and out...it will probably be an emotional weekend because of packing Bentley's stuff to move into our new place. We are planning to reuse most things, but we have set aside some things that we plan to memorialize thi