Wow, where has time gone? Time has never seemed to move so quickly, but drag so much at the exact time. It feels like eternity and yesterday all in the same breathe since I delivered Bentley. Tomorrow will be 3 months from the day that we buried our sweet, Bentley Charles. I miss him every second of every day. I so wish he was here with us to watch baby #2, his little bro/sis, grow up. I know that they will always know who Bentley is. I thought about that today. I have thought about that for several months now. One of my first questions that I asked Blake after losing Bentley was--how are we going to tell our future children? At the time, I wasn't pregnant, so it wasn't a worry, and I know that even though I'm pregnant now it isn't something to stress over, but it certainly is something that I think about. How do you tell you 2nd child that their brother passed away not even a year before they were born? What words do you say? Any mothers out there who have experienced the loss of a child...got any advice?
I never thought I'd see the day that I'd return to work at the hospital, let a lone see the day that I return to work full time, but today was the day. I have begun working my full time hours. Today was a good day. I am very excited about going back to work full time. 1) because this time around I will have maternity leave since I'm full time, 2) We will have extra money to pay bills and save, 3) It passes time. It is difficult being in the hospital, but it is very difficult to be alone too, so I just weighed out the pros and cons of going back to full time. So far, so good--I am happy with our decision. Prayers continued in this area though. Both of us have jobs that continually involve death (my job), and Blake delivers to Labor and Delivery often. So, thank you everyone for the prayers they are much needed.
Thinking about life now from the life we lived prior to losing Bentley is just so different. I feel that there is nothing normal about our lives anymore. I view conversations differently. I take offense to a lot of things. I think more about simple things in life. I really don't think people understand that the loss of a child especially loss of pregnancy really changes and defines your entire life. It isn't something that you just move on from. It is something that is a daily struggle to work through. It consumes or overwhelms every aspect of your life. Every decision that I make now is different because I don't view life the same. Life is precious. VERY precious. It is fragile, and it is worth everything. My biggest wish for people is to understand that life isn't a game. It's serious. It isn't a gamble. You should live each day as if it were your last, and I don't mean living it to the fullest by making dumb decisions. I mean live your life full of love and appreciation to others. Make memories. Change lives. Hug your kids tighter. Kiss them a little longer. Tell them you love them a little more often. Those moments..those family vacations...those nights of tucking your child in...those diapers you change...those times you ground your children...those games...those parties....everything you do with your children and family and friends are memories that are made. Those memories is all that is left with death intervenes. Make the most of your lives...it's all you can. We aren