Today was the day. Today was the day that "wow, life really does go on". I am not going to count today as a bad day, but a day in the right direction. I didn't make it all day. I didn't make it without crying. But, I did go to work. I did walk in those dreary halls. I sat in my chair at the nurses station. I did answer the phone without having a mental breakdown, and I did function in my job for apprx. 6.5 half hours. I take that as an accomplishment. It just so tough. Words can't describe how I felt about work. I was anxious to get back, and I loved that everyone was so supportive. I could see it in their eyes that they cared. And, the people who didn't know...and they accidentally said something felt super awful afterwards. And, I am not mad. And, that is not why I had a difficult time at work. I just kept watching this one family stand over this guy's bad. I watched the doctor come in, and I watched the look in their face. It wasn't good. And, I work in the hospital so I obviously can't sit here and go into any type of detail, but I HATE watching that look in people's eyes. This may sound odd, but I can tell pain. I can see pain, and I can feel pain. I feel my pain, and when someone tells me about their pain...I feel it too. I don't wish loss on anyone, and I specifically don't wish child loss to anyone--even my worst enemy. I don't wish bad things to anyone. I don't wish for someone to even stand in my shoes let alone walk in my shoes a day.
One lady saw me crying at work, and she said "Are you ok?" Of course, I just sobbed because I wanted to scream "No, no, I am not okay", but I pulled my tears back in, and I said that I had lost my son. She said "Well, go see him". (She thought it was happening then...little did she know it happened a month ago. I told her that I wished I could see my son, but I informed her that Bentley was in Heaven, and it was alittle hard to make it there. She immediately grabbed me and she gave me a hug. I told her it was alright, and I waited until my boss came to talk to me in the breakroom. I can tell you that I am very thankful for her. She is a great boss, and I am lucky to have her. She has been very supportive, and she is being supportive. I am thankful that she is so understanding.
Yesterday was a bad, bad day. I didn't get a chance to write about it last night because I had to go to bed early for work this morning. But, Blake had went to lunch with a gentlemen from our church. I was alone in the house, and I wanted to go sit in Bentley's room. I sat in his room with Bailey (our dog). I was holding Bentley's outfit that he wore when he was born, and the blanket that they wrapped Bentley in after delivery. Bailey jumped onto my lap, and he smelled Bentley. He looked at me, and he laid his head down on my stomach. He stared at me with a big brown puppy eyes--he just knew. It was so sweet, but I sobbed. And, for a minute, just a minute I felt like it all hadn't happened. Bentley's room was the last place that I was before we left for the appointment on October 17, 2011. Bailey and I were sitting in there together, and I had been talking to Bentley. And, it all just went back there...I had this flutter of a feeling that it hadn't happened or he was just instantaneously going to be there. Then, I sobbed...it was true. Bentley wasn't going to be there. He wasn't going to come. It was just me and Bailey in that room. Bentley was in heaven, and he wouldn't ever be in my arms again. It stung. It made me sob. It was really like it had just happened all over again. So, I climbed back into bed, and just waited until Blake came home from lunch.
We had his basketball game at 6:30pm last night. Blake loves to play basketball, and he's good at it. I really like watching him play. I know he enjoys playing. But, we sit there, and I just it's so hard to sit there. It is so hard because everyone has their children and they are screaming "Go Daddy" ect. and I just wanted that so bad. I wanted so bad to hear him cry. Blake's team won their game, and we had planned as a team to go to Denny's. We were really looking forward to going. Blake and I had been talking about it prior to the game, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't sit there. We were surrounding by every age group for like the next 14 years it felt like. At the table, I think every person had children, and most had them presently at the table eating with us. I sat down, and I took a look around. I had this flash of a life Blake and I could have with Bentley, and I sobbed. I cried the entire way to the bathroom while every person stared at me in Denny's. I stood in the bathroom with my face on the counter resting, and I just stood there crying. I just couldn't stand to look at our surroundings at the time. It was no one's fault. It was nothing that anyone could change or we could undo. It just is awful. It makes me feel so awkward because I know people feel bad. I know that everyone knew why I couldn't stay. I knew that they are probably feeling bad for making me cry. And, I know that there isn't anything I can do to take away that awkwardness. It's there. It's there forever....so Blake and I came home.
I guess that is the hardest part. It's hard everywhere. It isn't like we can escape it. Everywhere we go we are reminded of something. I feel like I either feel awkward or I am making someone feel awkward. Have you ever felt so alone but be surrounded by so many people? That is exactly how I feel. I told a friend of mine the other day that I thought I was lonely when I was pregnant because I felt like most of my friends disappeared because I wasn't "fun" anymore, but I feel even lonelier now. It isn't because we don't have people around us. It isn't because I don't feel God's hand in our lives. It is because a piece of me died the day Bentley died. It is because I don't have our son. I don't have that same smile. I don't have that happiness that I had during my pregnancy. I don't have that glow...
One lady saw me crying at work, and she said "Are you ok?" Of course, I just sobbed because I wanted to scream "No, no, I am not okay", but I pulled my tears back in, and I said that I had lost my son. She said "Well, go see him". (She thought it was happening then...little did she know it happened a month ago. I told her that I wished I could see my son, but I informed her that Bentley was in Heaven, and it was alittle hard to make it there. She immediately grabbed me and she gave me a hug. I told her it was alright, and I waited until my boss came to talk to me in the breakroom. I can tell you that I am very thankful for her. She is a great boss, and I am lucky to have her. She has been very supportive, and she is being supportive. I am thankful that she is so understanding.
Yesterday was a bad, bad day. I didn't get a chance to write about it last night because I had to go to bed early for work this morning. But, Blake had went to lunch with a gentlemen from our church. I was alone in the house, and I wanted to go sit in Bentley's room. I sat in his room with Bailey (our dog). I was holding Bentley's outfit that he wore when he was born, and the blanket that they wrapped Bentley in after delivery. Bailey jumped onto my lap, and he smelled Bentley. He looked at me, and he laid his head down on my stomach. He stared at me with a big brown puppy eyes--he just knew. It was so sweet, but I sobbed. And, for a minute, just a minute I felt like it all hadn't happened. Bentley's room was the last place that I was before we left for the appointment on October 17, 2011. Bailey and I were sitting in there together, and I had been talking to Bentley. And, it all just went back there...I had this flutter of a feeling that it hadn't happened or he was just instantaneously going to be there. Then, I sobbed...it was true. Bentley wasn't going to be there. He wasn't going to come. It was just me and Bailey in that room. Bentley was in heaven, and he wouldn't ever be in my arms again. It stung. It made me sob. It was really like it had just happened all over again. So, I climbed back into bed, and just waited until Blake came home from lunch.
We had his basketball game at 6:30pm last night. Blake loves to play basketball, and he's good at it. I really like watching him play. I know he enjoys playing. But, we sit there, and I just it's so hard to sit there. It is so hard because everyone has their children and they are screaming "Go Daddy" ect. and I just wanted that so bad. I wanted so bad to hear him cry. Blake's team won their game, and we had planned as a team to go to Denny's. We were really looking forward to going. Blake and I had been talking about it prior to the game, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't sit there. We were surrounding by every age group for like the next 14 years it felt like. At the table, I think every person had children, and most had them presently at the table eating with us. I sat down, and I took a look around. I had this flash of a life Blake and I could have with Bentley, and I sobbed. I cried the entire way to the bathroom while every person stared at me in Denny's. I stood in the bathroom with my face on the counter resting, and I just stood there crying. I just couldn't stand to look at our surroundings at the time. It was no one's fault. It was nothing that anyone could change or we could undo. It just is awful. It makes me feel so awkward because I know people feel bad. I know that everyone knew why I couldn't stay. I knew that they are probably feeling bad for making me cry. And, I know that there isn't anything I can do to take away that awkwardness. It's there. It's there forever....so Blake and I came home.
I guess that is the hardest part. It's hard everywhere. It isn't like we can escape it. Everywhere we go we are reminded of something. I feel like I either feel awkward or I am making someone feel awkward. Have you ever felt so alone but be surrounded by so many people? That is exactly how I feel. I told a friend of mine the other day that I thought I was lonely when I was pregnant because I felt like most of my friends disappeared because I wasn't "fun" anymore, but I feel even lonelier now. It isn't because we don't have people around us. It isn't because I don't feel God's hand in our lives. It is because a piece of me died the day Bentley died. It is because I don't have our son. I don't have that same smile. I don't have that happiness that I had during my pregnancy. I don't have that glow...
Well, tomorrow is thanksgiving, and I am trying so hard to be "thankful". I am thankful that I had Bentley for 38 weeks. I am thankful that I have a son. I am thankful for my husband...and I am thankful for our friends and family that have been there...but I am not feeling like much else...I know that I have to go to thanksgiving dinners...but I can't say that I will be the most cheerful...
Bentley...mom and dad love you. I love every 19 inches of you. I love that l