Blake & I went to visit our friend Chuck's grave tonight since it has been two years since he passed away today. We visited Bentley's grave earlier. But, Blake and I were on the way back from the grave, and I was talking to him about Bentley's death and just death in general. I told him that I am glad that I believe in Jesus. I am thankful that I believe Bentley is in Heaven, and I know this is true. Many others have been in our shoes before, and I am simply thankful that I know that Bentley is safe. I know that he is with Jesus. I think about the many people who believe death is simply when someone lays in a grave. I think about people who believe there is no heaven or hell. Can someone ever truly how peace regarding a loss of someone close them if they don't believe in heaven or hell? I know that if I was an atheist or someone who believed anything other than what I do--I would feel lost. I would feel like there is no hope. I think I would struggle to get moving forward in life. Do I miss Bentley? HECK YEAH! Do I wish that I could redo this whole circumstance with a different outcome? HECK YEAH! I would take it all back and restart October 17, 2011 if I could. But, I can't go back. I can't undo anything. And, Bentley's death is tragic, and it is awful, and I cry all the time, and I miss him every second of every day, but I KNOW he is in heaven. I don't have to wonder about where he is or how is doing. How great a comfort it is to believe there is more to life than just death? Bentley is loving his life...he is exactly where everyone should want to be. I know I can't wait until the day that I am in Heaven!
Blake & I had a second conversation on the way home regarding mothers and fathers. I am a mother. And Blake is a father. Blake and I became parents at the same time. What do I mean by that? Blake didn't become a father when he saw his son; he became a father when we both learned we had conceived Bentley. I think about that a lot because many times parents (both mom and dad) put their needs before their child. During pregnancy, some mothers continue to habit of smoking, some drinking or maybe any other unhealthy habit without consideration of their unborn child. To me, I don't believe that is a mother. Any women can carry a child. It a natural part of life, but not everyone can be a mom. I know that many may think "oh, steph doesn't have to be a mom because her son died", but I was a mom, and I still am a mom. A mom is someone who puts her child's need before her own. A mom is someone who realizes that there is more to life than one night of drinking or pleasure. A mom is someone who no matter what pushes forward for her child. A mom is someone who loves her child despite anything. I carried Bentley yes, but I have and will continue to be Bentley's mom, not just someone who has carried a child in their life. Now, Blake is a dad. This subject is what hits me a little harder. I am so proud of Blake. I tell everyone that Bentley was so lucky to have Blake as a father. And, I mean that--100%! I know Blake didn't carry Bentley in his stomach, but he was there in Bentley's life from the moment it began. He changed his lifestyle along with me when we found out that I was pregnant. I didn't have to argue with Blake or explain to him that he needed to change to become a father. He stepped up to the plate from the moment. He cared about Bentley, and he cared about Bentley's future. He cared enough to put Bentley before himself all the time. Any guy can "donate" sperm. Any guy can put his name on a birth certificate. Any guy can say he has a child. Any guy can say he is a father. But, it is the actually act of being a father. It is the act of giving up your life and your wants and desires to better your child's life that makes you a father. A father is someone who realizes that life isn't a party anymore; a father is someone who realizes that it is more important to worry about his child than whether his friends are going to accept his drinking habits. Blake is a father. Blake is Bentley's father, and he will continue to be Bentley's father, and we will eventually be blessed with another child. But, I can tell you this....I am mom, and he is a father. End of that soap box. :)
Another conversation that Blake and I had on the way home...I am thankful for our hope in Jesus simply because I truly believe that because of Him I am able to get through this situation. I know that it will take time, and I know that I will never get over it, but Blake and I will continue to get through it. I don't place blame on myself. I don't place blame on any doctor. I have questions for my doctors, but I don't blame them. I don't blame the doctor who told me that Bentley's heart wasn't beating. Do I wish he would have reacted a little better to the situation and made some different decisions? Yes..but I am not angry with him. It is difficult to think about seeing him simply because I associate that day with his face because he is the one who told me, but I do not have anger towards him. I know he didn't cause this to happen. I know that no one did. I believe in Jesus, and I know that he knows why this happened, and I am placing the why in His hands. If I think about the why....I will be thinking forever. Blake unfortunately had to see some awful images during labor. We had discussed this with the midwife the other day. She said to us that she has thought about the day, and she thought maybe she should have shielded him or prepared him for what he saw. But, we both have thought about it. And, I don't think she did anything wrong, and I wished that he didn't have to deal with those images. It did give us closure. It did give us a peace with how Bentley died. I know that Blake saw images that I wish I could erase, but I think for both of us it has allowed us to know what happened. This may sound really odd, but it gives us a hope. It gives us assurance. It gives us a peace of mind that there was nothing that no doctor could do to predict this to happen in a healthy pregnancy. It may sound strange or crazy, but it is something we are thankful that we were able to know the what. There are many couples who never know what caused a stillbirth. And, I think it gives us a hope that things like this typically do not repeat itself plus it gives the doctor's something to watch for the future. I think for myself, knowing that Blake actually saw what happened--it allows me to know for sure that there was nothing I did. I know that I don't blame myself, but it is obvious being Bentley's mom, the person who carried him, to wonder if it was something that I did to cause this to happen. I read the books. I talk to the professionals. I know the drill--everyone says "No, Steph, you didn't do anything to cause this." But, i am someone who needs to know. I need proof. And, I thank God that Blake was able to be my proof. He was able to assure me that there was nothing that I did to cause this because he saw it.
The images have become less vivid all the time--I still see it happening, but I don't see it every second of every day anymore. I slept pretty good last night without any sleeping medication or waking up 500 times in a panic. Blake and I have been doing really well in the medication aspect because we both don't want to become dependent upon medicine. We don't want to become numb to the situation. We don't want to avoid it or just push it to later in life to deal with it. Blake and i know that life continues. We have watched others lives go forward, and we know that ours can't stop either. I know that with time each day will get easier, but we don't want anything to cause us to not be able to feel life. I go back to work on Wednesday. I am quite nervous, but I know it will be okay. I know that I will get through it, and I know that I will probably cry or it will be emotionally tough--I also know that I've got God on my side. He will help me through it!
I haven't written since Saturday, so I never mentioned how yesterday went! I almost forgot. We went to church, and it was a rough service. I cried a good bit during church for a lot of different reasons. But, we talked about one thing that stuck out to me. My pastor said was talking about prayer at one point. Many people believe that if they pray, and God doesn't answer their prayer, then God didn't hear it. It isn't true. God hears every prayer....sometimes he just doesn't answer it the way we think it should be or he simply answers it in His timing versus ours. One thing though that he said was this: Prayer doesn't change events or things from happening, it changes us. This hit me hard. It hit me because I remember praying on October 17th that I wanted God to change this. I wanted a miracle. I wanted him to make Bentley's heart beat. I know that he can perform miracles. I know that God could have changed the outcome of the situation, but he didn't. He didn't "answer my prayer". And, I know that many others prayed the same thing. But, I can't look at it like that. Yes, I wish he would have changed the outcome, but it is in His hands.I can tell you that when I told God that Bentley was in his hands--Bentley was already in His hands. He knew Bentley was going to live for 38 weeks. He knew these things before it happened. Bentley was His long before he was mine. I know that I have said this before...but I guess what I mean is people shouldn't stop praying if God doesn't answer their prayer. God can change your life--he can take your prayer and answer in ways you never imagined. Bentley's life has touched so many, and he will continue to touch lives. He changed my life. He changed Blake's life. And, I can assure everyone that I will continue to tell my story. I will continue to honestly share how I am feeling. I know that sometimes people's feelings may get hurt by my honesty, and I know that sometimes people may wish that I kept certain things to myself, but I am going to continue to share my grief process. I am going to continue to tell people the lessons that I am learning, and the struggles that we face. I don't know if it will help every person who reads my blog, or it may just help one, or it may just help me, but I know that somehow, someway, someday my words will help someone. Bentley gave me the inspiration to change my life. I am obligated to our son to finish what he started. I love you Bentley Charles Nalley! I am so thankful for your precious life. You changed Blake and I