I have seen good things so far come from this horrific tragedy. Who would have thought? I can tell you that I have NEVER been this close to my parents and my sister. It is awful that tragedy needs to bring people closer, but I can tell you that it is...Also, I have seen individuals in Blake's family come closer too..I know that is has brought Blake & I have become so much closer. My strength has gotten better. My prayer life has become better. I have a better belief in my faith in God. And, I feel like I see life in a better perspective in general.
I WISH THAT WE HAD OUR SON....I would take this all back at any moment if I could...but I know I can't. I know that I read a book called "Heaven is for real", and I can tell you that this book gave me such a peace. It is a heartbreaking story that many times brought tears to my ears, but this little boy's story gave me a peace that I know Bentley is safe in Jesus's arms, and I know that he is there with other children, and I know he is with our family. I know that I should already believe all of this...and I did believe it, but it gave me a visual. It gave me a picture of Bentley. I may have only seen Bentley for a short period of a time, and I know that I have no idea what he would look like in a year, 5 years, 20 years...but I have had flashes of what I envision him to be. After reading this book, I can picture Bentley in Heaven, and I can not tell you how happy that makes me feel and how much of a peace it gives me.
We went to Bentley's grave today...We put his fence up. It looks great. It is very bittersweet. I am happy that we can make his grave look nice because he deserves it, but it sucks because I wish I didn't have to do it. I wish that I was holding our son. I wish I was kissing him on the forehead. I wish I was talking to him. Yes, I talk to him everyday but I don't get to see him....But...one day! That is my hope...that is my strength. another positive....I am continuing to strive to achieve a better life for myself for Bentley.
Alright....well, I am going to end on this....Blake and I love our son so much. And, I know the pain won't ever go away, but I am simply looking forward to the day that I get to meet him at Heaven's gates. Bentley, you have forever changed many lives, and you started right here with Blake and I. And, I only hope that many lives can be changed for here. You had my hands, you had Blake's feet. Now, let us be your hands and feet to everyone in the world we meet. We love you always!