I wish I could say that I have always held the faith in that statement. I am just being honest. I have been a Christian since a young age, but I withered away not always placing my life is His hands. I have spent years of chasing what it meant to truly give my life to God. I have searched for reasons to why bad things happen. I have considered myself a good person because I was doing much better off in life than some. I often used to search blame for why the things happened. I would assume it was either someone elses fault or that simply that God was out to prove a point to me or something bizzare like that. I'd great angry...I'd say "God where are you?" Why is this happening to me? ...
Do I ask those questions now? Yes...I do ask those questions, but I have a different understanding. I am trying so hard to not focus on the why. I used to focus on the why. I always wanted to know why something bad happens; reality is we never know why.So, I decided for the first time in my life to leave the why to God. I guessed that when we discovered that Bentley's heart wasn't beating that my life would fall apart. I am not saying that I don't have bad days because I have my share. I have awful moments. I have the nightmares. I have the staring gazes into an unknown world. I cry. I long for things that I can't have. I miss Bentley every second of a every moment. But, I have decided that I am not going to know why this happened. God has his Hand in our lives. God is still in control. God has me standing on my feet. God has Blake and I waking up everyday, and God has us having laughing moments and decent days. God. God. God. That's it. There isn't anything that I am doing. There isn't any one person who is carrying me through this. The pain that Blake and I feel is indescribable. I can sit and blog about how I feel, but I can never truly explain the knot that I get in my stomach at certain times, and the knife feeling that cuts through my heart every single time I hear the words "mom" and "dad". But, I have hope. I have the hope of seeing Bentley again....and I know that I don't hear those words and there is images that literally break my heart over and over again. I know that God will bless our faithfulness. I believe that. The secret things belong unto the LORD our God: but those things which are revealed belong unto us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the words of this law. (Deut. 29.29) God hasn't told me why this happened. God probably will never tell me why this happened, but I can tell you that I am giving it all to Him. I am laying at His feet because I can't do this without Him.
Bentley is my world. He still is my world. He will always be my world. I make every decision that I have since the day I found out I was pregnant because of him. I say it all the time, but I can't say it enough how much he changed our lives. And, I will continue to push forward that way. Bentley gave me so much to live for...he helped me become a better person, so I plan to finish it. I want to make my son proud. I want him to see Blake and I moving forward. Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting.
I love you Bentley...Mommy and Daddy love you so much. I wish that this never happened. I wish I could just hold you in my arms and undo this horrible things. I have to trust God. And, I need your help buddy. I am clinging to the hope that I will see you again. You had better have those arms wide open when Mommy and Daddy get to Heaven. I am looking forward to the day we see you again! I love you alway