I struggle to really truly understand why these things happen. I miss Bentley so much. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Bentley should be here in my arms. I should be listening to him attempt to make jumbled noises and smiling and laughing. I should be able to see his bright eyes look into mine, and his tiny hands to wrap his fingers into my hand. I should be changing diapers and complaining of no sleep. Blake and I should be doing these things together. We should be constantly taking pictures and spending our time loving and hugging Bentley. But, we aren't participating in any of those things. Yes, I have a baby on the way. Yes, Lord willing I will experience those things again, but you know what? I SHOULD be doing it NOW. I should have Bentley and be taking care of the baby in my belly. Blake and I obviously planned to have more than one child, and we planned to have our children fairly close in age. I just never imagined it to be this way.
I attended a funeral today for a sweet little boy named Grayson. I saw his picture and he was beautiful. And, his mom was so strong. The family is going to get through this...God will wrap his arms around them, I know. He already has. Some may think I'm crazy. Quite honestly, I don't care. I attended the service today because it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that just three months ago I was sitting there, and now another mommy is having to go through this. It isn't fair. And, I remember that no matter how people surrounded me...I still felt alone. I felt alone because there was no one around that truly knew how I felt UNTIL we started reaching out and meeting people. Nobody can provide true comfort to someone until they've experienced the loss themselves. I wanted to be there for Natasha today. I am thankful that Blake and I had a gentlemen named Robbie from our church who felt the need to come to Bentley's services. It felt so nice that somebody came to Bentley's funeral without knowing us. And, it felt so good to see that he has survived this awful experience. It gave me hope in the midst of everything. And, I vowed that I want to be that person for someone else. Many of my friends and family may feel that what Blake and I did today was odd. Maybe it was odd. Maybe it wasn't something that I would have typically done before, but we felt the desire and the need to go. We wanted to support people, and I want people to know that they are NOT alone.
I don't know what God's plan is...I'm really not sure why these things, but I have been really trying not to worry with the why since I lost Bentley. I know that I will never know why. It makes me so upset because Bentley was healthy. He should be here. Babies are born with the cord around their neck all the time, so why Bentley? It just doesn't make any sense to me. I am missing my baby boy. Blake and I have been changed people by Bentley. And, I hope to continue to share his story with many others.
I attended a funeral today for a sweet little boy named Grayson. I saw his picture and he was beautiful. And, his mom was so strong. The family is going to get through this...God will wrap his arms around them, I know. He already has. Some may think I'm crazy. Quite honestly, I don't care. I attended the service today because it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that just three months ago I was sitting there, and now another mommy is having to go through this. It isn't fair. And, I remember that no matter how people surrounded me...I still felt alone. I felt alone because there was no one around that truly knew how I felt UNTIL we started reaching out and meeting people. Nobody can provide true comfort to someone until they've experienced the loss themselves. I wanted to be there for Natasha today. I am thankful that Blake and I had a gentlemen named Robbie from our church who felt the need to come to Bentley's services. It felt so nice that somebody came to Bentley's funeral without knowing us. And, it felt so good to see that he has survived this awful experience. It gave me hope in the midst of everything. And, I vowed that I want to be that person for someone else. Many of my friends and family may feel that what Blake and I did today was odd. Maybe it was odd. Maybe it wasn't something that I would have typically done before, but we felt the desire and the need to go. We wanted to support people, and I want people to know that they are NOT alone.
I don't know what God's plan is...I'm really not sure why these things, but I have been really trying not to worry with the why since I lost Bentley. I know that I will never know why. It makes me so upset because Bentley was healthy. He should be here. Babies are born with the cord around their neck all the time, so why Bentley? It just doesn't make any sense to me. I am missing my baby boy. Blake and I have been changed people by Bentley. And, I hope to continue to share his story with many others.