There really isn't a word that describes the pain that Blake and I are feeling. It is too much to explain. People used to often tell me this when I would ask about childbirth--"You'll know it when you feel it!"! I used to get so mad because I HATED the fact that I didn't know what it would feel like, and everyone told me that there was no way to describe it. I can tell you that yes childbirth was painful. It was hard work, but I can tell you that I think the real pain of my childbirth was because I knew that Bentley was going to come out not alive. My pain was more emotional pain. Many people have been fascinated by my recovery. I was up walking that day, and I really haven't been in physical pain since giving birth to Bentley. But, I can tell you that our pain exceeds far beyond childbirth. So, I now understand what people mean when they say "you'll know it when you feel it!", but in our context, I don't mean childbirth. I am talking about the fact of losing a child.
Losing Bentley is the WORST thing that I have ever happened, and I will ever have happen to me. I can guarantee that. I used to complain about stupid stuff. I would say my day's were awful sometimes, and I would get all upset over ridiculous stuff--just like many people do. I would get frustrated when things would not go my way, or I would just feel defeated before even trying sometimes. I would say "I'm in pain" or "I'm so upset". Blah! Blah! Blah! I can assure you that I have NEVER felt pain like this before in my life even on what I imaged to be my ultimate worst day of my life. I laugh because I went to the eye doctor today, and the secretary says "Man, I know exactly how you feel" after I told her I was just having a rough day. I laugh because she has no clue. Of course, I have no idea what she has gone through in her life, but it makes me rethink a lot of statements that I know I used to use to people. We really have no idea what others are going through. Now, that I have had this tragic event happen to me I realize as I do Blake does that most things aren't so awful now. I would take a bad day where nothing went my way over the death of my son any day. I would rather have a bad hair day or wake up late for work. I would rather walk over pins and needles and feel that pain versus having Bentley in my arms. I am not even kidding.
This pain we experience doesn't have a bandaid fix. There is no medicine for it. No pills our doctors prescribe will fix it. No hug or "I'm sorry" will take it away. I can never get over it. I will never get over it. I can tell you that we will get through it. We will learn to live with it. It is very difficult to even explain our new "normal" to people. Our new normal is viewing the world completely different. It is living with the pain of never seeing our Bentley grow up. It is watching others have children who should never be parents. It is waking up and putting two feet on the ground and taking a deep breathe and taking a deep sigh because you accomplished a simple task. I look in the mirror and I smile, and I see a broken heart. I see a distant eye wandering into space. I can tell you my heart literally feels heavier. There really is no way to understand how someone can understand until they lose a child.
And this brings me to the next thing...there is NO WAY to compare situations. Every situation is completely different. It is hard for me to hear "I understand" from people who have lost their children at older ages. I don't wish death on a child for any parent to experience, but I can tell you I would have loved to have any moment of time. I know I am blessed for my 38 weeks because some get 5, others get 15, and a few live with fate that their child will not live once they are birthed. I am thankful for the time I did have..My next point that just is so mind boggling is that NO ONE on earth understands my pain fully...other families or individuals have gone through it, and I can't understand their pain fully either. Everyone's situation is different, but there is one person who understands. God. He understands what it feels to lose a child. It gives me so much hope because the one person who IS carrying Blake and I through this horrible experience completely understands. God knows exactly what it is like to lose his Son. He feels my pain. And, I know he will guide us through our pain. I know that I will never get over it, but I will learn to live with it. But, I know God sent His Son to us so that we can learn to love and deal with these horrible tragedies that happen on earth. The thing that boggles my mind the most is He ALLOWED his Son to die on the cross for us. He gave up his Son for US. It caused him pain too...I just know that there will be a light..there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. I believe that God will help us through.
I know that I never have won the most spiritual award or I have not always been the person who reads the Bible enough or spends as much time in prayer, but I can tell you that I know I am working in the right direction. I can tell you that this experience has made me view life spiritually from a different perspective too. I will continue to grow ...and I plan to challenge myself more. I am giving everything to God--our lives are in His hands. I so want to be a physical mom. I know that I am a mom, and Blake knows he is a dad, but we do want to be physical parents too (besides our fish and dog lol), so we decided that we are giving it to God. I pray he blesses us with another child, and I believe he will. But, I am trusting him. I am simply giving it to God.
This is a struggle for me. I was telling Deanna earlier...I am a preparer, a planner, a controller. I like to KNOW what is going to happen, and I like to control it. I am learning that life is uncontrollable. it is out of our hands, and it is in God's. He has the power to give and take away life. The best thing that I can do is live my life the best that I can and bring honor to him, and know that he will bless our faithfulness. I believe that. I believe that more than ever. So, I ask people who read my blog or who know me or just simply have been praying for us--I ask you to continue to pray. Continue to pray not only to get through this, but please continue to pray that we allow us to have complete trust to continue to place everything in God's hand. We pray that we have strength to face this head on with the assistance of Jesus Christ. I ask people to pray and ask God to bless our faithfulness.
Thank you to everyone who already has been praying. Thank you the love and support from everyone around us. It has carried us through so far, and I know it will continue..Bentley will never be forgotten. I love you Bentley, and I am looking forward to meeting you in Heaven.