Well, another day, another dollar. Life has sort of come back and kicked it into high gear for me. I've been staying really busy considering to how I spent my last few months. I have accepted a full time position at the hospital on 5west. I was offered full time when I first came back, but I didn't know if I was ready. I feel comfortable for the most part being back in the hospital. We really have faced every hurdle head on as best we can. I will be working Mon-Fri 6:30-3. How sweet is that? No weekends, no evening! Looove it! :) Today, I worked on 4south. Wow, busy, busy, busy! It is an observation unit so it's people who are kinda in transition from ER to deciding whether to admit to hospital or short term stay. So, today was my day off, and I got called in, but it's all good. I learned some new stuff today, and it was crazy hectic. Tomorrow will be another one...I picked up a shift on a trauma unit. I am kinda nervous, so prayers def needed. So, work has really kicked back into high gear. I look back three months ago, and I would NEVER have told you that I would ever even enter the hospital, let alone go back to work and feel like I'm leaving there again. God really has carried us through this, and he still is working in our lives. I am so thankful for everyone's support through this tough time,
Blake and I are still attending counseling at Hospice and attending Labor of Love. I am really glad because I have def found hope and assurance through working through our grief. Everyone has been a huge help. And, it's really been a blessing to meet so many wonderful people lately. There are many of those people who I wish we could meet under better circumstances, but I have been given a whole new circle of friends who we all have angels in heaven waiting for us one day. I'm thankful for each of them because they truly have guided Blake and I through some of our darkest days, and I know they will help allevate some anxiety through this next pregnancy.
Today, I sat down in the cafeteria for lunch, and I happened to glance over, and I saw the security officer who was working that day at the Labor and Delivery front entrance desk. My mind had a flash. I went back to that day while everyone in my family was standing in that room panicking. I know that my mom was yelling, and Blake and I were sobbing. It really seemed so chaotic because no one truly knew what was going on. I felt it all over again today. I think that's the worst part--flashes. These flashes hit me all random times, but they are intensified anytime I see someone that reminds me of that day or the actual person. I felt that panic emotions, and the heartache of just losing Bentley. I'll be honest, I kinda felt in shock all over again. It is extremely hard to deal with, and I have to tell myself--"Stephanie, it isn't happening again". I have to explain to myself that it is January 11, 2012, and that those events are not happening again. It is the most difficult thing of being in the hospital because my images are 10 times more intense than if I just saw something that triggered an emotion elsewhere. Prayers are continually needed for those moments because they certainly do bring a lot of intense emotions and it makes it difficult to make it through the day.
Which speaking of which....my appointment is 5 1/2 days away! Woohoo! I am so excited. But, there is one thing....my appointment is January 17, 2012. Exactly 3 months from the day we lost Bentley. I never realized the symbolism until the other day really. Weird, huh? Bentley's heart stopped beating on October 17, 2011, and I'm hoping to be able to see baby #2's heart beating 3 months later. It is going to be a very bittersweet day. It is going to be an emotional day, and I know Blake and I need prayers everyday for that appointment. My labs and everything been looking great, but I don't take anything to chance anymore. I was told with Bentley during that very appointment on October 17, 2011--"you're young, you're healthy, I'm not worried..." then minutes later we discovered that Bentley was dead...So, don't anyone tell me because you're young and healthy or even just healthy that everything in your life is going to be okay. Don't tell me because you're having a healthy pregnancy that life is just great. Don't tell me that you'll insist the doctors check everything so this doesn't happen to you. I have learned to take nothing for granted. I take nothing for chance. I was healthy. I was young. Everything was going perfect. But, it all changed in a blink of an eye. I have heard a few people tell me, "oh, when I'm pregnant, I'll ensure that they check the cord blah blah blah". Sometimes they act like I should have known....but I couldn't have. The doctors didn't even suspect anything to be wrong. Why would something go wrong in a perfectly healthy baby and individual? It doesn't make sense. There is no WHY. So, pretty soon, I hope people start learning that there isn't always a why to everything. I am just really thankful that God provided us with a what happened. There are many families who experience this tragedy, and they are never given answers to what happened because there was no real cause--it just happened. I'm thankful that I don't have to live with that and going through another pregnancy....
Bentley is missed so much. He is loved by many, and he has changed our lives including so many others. And, I know it is just the beginning. I am so thankful for Bentley. I so wish he was here with us. I miss him every second of every day, but I know that I will see him again. He has provided me strength by giving me a reason to be better. He has inspired me, and he only lived 38 weeks...isn't that amazing?
Blake and I are still attending counseling at Hospice and attending Labor of Love. I am really glad because I have def found hope and assurance through working through our grief. Everyone has been a huge help. And, it's really been a blessing to meet so many wonderful people lately. There are many of those people who I wish we could meet under better circumstances, but I have been given a whole new circle of friends who we all have angels in heaven waiting for us one day. I'm thankful for each of them because they truly have guided Blake and I through some of our darkest days, and I know they will help allevate some anxiety through this next pregnancy.
Today, I sat down in the cafeteria for lunch, and I happened to glance over, and I saw the security officer who was working that day at the Labor and Delivery front entrance desk. My mind had a flash. I went back to that day while everyone in my family was standing in that room panicking. I know that my mom was yelling, and Blake and I were sobbing. It really seemed so chaotic because no one truly knew what was going on. I felt it all over again today. I think that's the worst part--flashes. These flashes hit me all random times, but they are intensified anytime I see someone that reminds me of that day or the actual person. I felt that panic emotions, and the heartache of just losing Bentley. I'll be honest, I kinda felt in shock all over again. It is extremely hard to deal with, and I have to tell myself--"Stephanie, it isn't happening again". I have to explain to myself that it is January 11, 2012, and that those events are not happening again. It is the most difficult thing of being in the hospital because my images are 10 times more intense than if I just saw something that triggered an emotion elsewhere. Prayers are continually needed for those moments because they certainly do bring a lot of intense emotions and it makes it difficult to make it through the day.
Which speaking of which....my appointment is 5 1/2 days away! Woohoo! I am so excited. But, there is one thing....my appointment is January 17, 2012. Exactly 3 months from the day we lost Bentley. I never realized the symbolism until the other day really. Weird, huh? Bentley's heart stopped beating on October 17, 2011, and I'm hoping to be able to see baby #2's heart beating 3 months later. It is going to be a very bittersweet day. It is going to be an emotional day, and I know Blake and I need prayers everyday for that appointment. My labs and everything been looking great, but I don't take anything to chance anymore. I was told with Bentley during that very appointment on October 17, 2011--"you're young, you're healthy, I'm not worried..." then minutes later we discovered that Bentley was dead...So, don't anyone tell me because you're young and healthy or even just healthy that everything in your life is going to be okay. Don't tell me because you're having a healthy pregnancy that life is just great. Don't tell me that you'll insist the doctors check everything so this doesn't happen to you. I have learned to take nothing for granted. I take nothing for chance. I was healthy. I was young. Everything was going perfect. But, it all changed in a blink of an eye. I have heard a few people tell me, "oh, when I'm pregnant, I'll ensure that they check the cord blah blah blah". Sometimes they act like I should have known....but I couldn't have. The doctors didn't even suspect anything to be wrong. Why would something go wrong in a perfectly healthy baby and individual? It doesn't make sense. There is no WHY. So, pretty soon, I hope people start learning that there isn't always a why to everything. I am just really thankful that God provided us with a what happened. There are many families who experience this tragedy, and they are never given answers to what happened because there was no real cause--it just happened. I'm thankful that I don't have to live with that and going through another pregnancy....
Bentley is missed so much. He is loved by many, and he has changed our lives including so many others. And, I know it is just the beginning. I am so thankful for Bentley. I so wish he was here with us. I miss him every second of every day, but I know that I will see him again. He has provided me strength by giving me a reason to be better. He has inspired me, and he only lived 38 weeks...isn't that amazing?