I've struggled to write the last few days. I've struggled to let my emotions out, well the last few days. I just feel so overwhelmed. I feel so burdened down with everything. I miss Bentley. I miss being able to have a smile on my face and be truly happy. I miss enjoying to go shopping. I put a smile on face so that no one sees the tears that stream my face in closed doors. I try to blend in with the crowd when visiting the local shopping centers, so that I avoid having to hear the "I'm sorry" or the shocked look on people's faces that I am out in public. I hate that every time I stroll by the baby department that I always see something that I longed to put Bentley in. I pass by so many children...they all seem to have this warm smile or this look in their eyes that I can't describe. I look at them and I picture life with Bentley. I picture what life would have been, and I just fall apart inside. It is the worst thing--you are in public, you see something that triggers something, and you just have to compose yourself and keep going.
I've posted quite a few positive blogs, and today along with the last several I haven't felt positive. I have felt overwhelmed. I have felt like I am just someone blending in with the world in the midst of craziness. The stores are seem loud; a normal conversation seems complicated; decisions seem unbearable. I stress about stupid things. I often don't voice it to anyone...My mind races of the "what if's". I ride in a car, and I get nervous. I get paranoid. I am paranoid of driving fast. Driving on the interstate. I'm paranoid when I don't hear from Blake if I haven't seen him for awhile. I am paranoid every time someone says they went to the doctors. I'm paranoid when my phone rings. I'm paranoid because I have pregnant friends. I seem to be paranoid of everything. There. I. Said. It. I've become a paranoid person. There it is everyone...positive Stephanie, strong Stephanie is having her weak moment.
I don't doubt that I won't get through this. I don't doubt that I don't have people surrounding me. I don't doubt that God is far away. I know that through Jesus Christ, Blake and I will overcome anything. I know that God will bless us in our storms. I know this things. I believe them. I just have moments. I have these fluttering feelings. I fear that things go wrong. I cope well. I keep the right "mental state", but I believe that sometimes I don't let me "negative" emotions out. It is healthy for me to let all of my emotions out--good or bad. I oftentimes hide away my feelings of weakness simply because it is a control thing. I like to feel in control of my emotions. And, I can tell you--my emotions are OUT OF CONTROL. It is difficult. My mind is somewhere and everywhere. Some moments I feel so dazed and confused, but yet I am completely intact with where I am in life. I feel like the weight of the world rests on my shoulders. I feel that every time something goes wrong...I carry that weight. And, I don't mean with my life. I worry so much. I worry about everything. I go visit Bentley's grave, and I think about the other families that have lost children. I feel like I feel their pain too. I don't know. Maybe I am going crazy...I feel like it most days.
Christmas is quickly approaching, and I just wish it would pass on by. I am dreading it. I am serious.D-R-E-A-D-I-N-G it! Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to bring Bentley back. I know that can't happen; so, Christmas why don't you just pass on by. I am tired of seeing happy, merry Christmas fliers and billboards, commerials, store displays, people, and just everything. There isn't exciting about Christmas this year. The last several years apprx. 7-8 Christmas' I have worked retail. I have worked and worked and worked to plan high sales for Christmas. My holidays were soley fixed on one shopping season of the year--Christmas. I dreaded Christmas...it brought the worst out in shoppers. It meant long hours. It meant crazy crowds. It did bring the business, and we made our goals, but it just was miserable. I had excitedly stated this Christmas would be different. I would be happy this year because Bentley would be here. I was determined to have a good Christmas. Boy, did that change. Now, I am back to dreading Christmas, but this time I dread it even more than before.
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISS BENTLEY SO MUCH. SO MUCH. My heart is broken--broken in a millon pieces. God I'm clinging to you. Please piece my life back together. Bring some joy in the midst of the craziness. I am again today placing it in God's Hands...I'm giving him my misery. I am giving him my negati