It's been six weeks. Six weeks came and passed us by so quick, but yet such long six weeks. I had 38 weeks of pregnancy that felt like a blink of an eye, and I now have long, long weeks that pass by. Seven days feel like seven years. One hour feels like 24 hours. Time isn't the same; time isn't normal. There isn't anything "normal". What is "normal'? I used to kid around and get into debates about normal--questioning what is normal? Does any one truly know what normal feels like? Who defines what is normal? I still ask those questions. What is this "new normal" that my life will consist of? I have come to the conclusion that there is no normal life. We are people who live our lives. Most live their lives naively, never realizing that they aren't guarented the time they have. I don't want to sit here and be all gloomy on this already nasty day outside, but I do want to point some things out. Who really lives a normal life? Every person has trials; they have obstacles and hurdles to overcome. People have sickness, failures, financial struggles, anger, loss, depression, health concerns, and the list goes on. So, does anyone have a normal life? I don't think there is one person who can honestly sit and say my life is normal. All I can say about my life is that I am living. I am going to continue living. It SUCKS that I have to continue my life without Bentley, but I am trying really hard to look at it differently. I am trying to continue to live with my life with Bentley. I had the blessing of 38 weeks with him. I will continue to memorialize our son. I will continue to include in every aspect of my life. He is my first son. Bentley Charles Nalley will continue to impact my life. He opened my eyes to a new life. A new way of life; it sure is tough, but he has made me realize so much. He has taught me so many things in such a short time. My heart breaks for others now. I have a strong passion for people who consider terminating pregnancies, and i want people to know WHY I am standing on my feet.
I want to share Bentley's story because I want people to fully understand that there isn't ANYTHING that I am doing or Blake is doing that has enabled us to be at peace or at a stable point in our lives--except Jesus Christ. He has placed the right people in our lives at the right time. And, I don't know why this has happened. I don't even know if it could have been prevented regardless. But, I know that God used Bentley. God used Bentley to change my life. And, I hope he changes others lives too. He says in Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.I believe that. I am mourning to death of Bentley, but it is God is giving me comfort. He is providing Blake and I strength to make it through each day. I believe that Blake and I will continue to see God's blessings in our lives. I am laying it in His hands. I am letting the why's to Him. I am letting the future to Him. Is it hard? Heck yes...do I have doubt...of course I do! Speaking of which...
I got a call last night that my good friend Katie had to have an emergency surgery due to an ectopic pregnancy. I freaked out. I literally went into a panic. I also get news that my cousin's little baby boy is in the hospital. I freaked out. I want to lift them up to prayer. I want everyone to pray for them. My friend Katie had to have two surgeries, and she is still in the hospital. She is doing alright, but she could have died or had some really bad things happen. My heart breaks for her. My heart breaks for my cousin having to watch Cooper in the hospital. I ask, WHY!?!?! When it rains, it pours. I immediately want to say, "God, what are you doing?" But, I realize that that I need to step back. I need to thank Him that Katie is okay, and they found it before it caused tremendous harm to herself. And, I think about my cousin...and I just pray that they find something to what is going on with him. I am going to place it in God's hand's too. I just continue to say to myself--God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I keep telling myself that and I believe it. I know that God has me standing on my feet. How? I have no clue. But, I have a comfort that he will deliver Blake and I. I have a comfort that he will carry us through.
I will update some later...regarding my appointment. We are off to Blake's chiro appt. now. I don't know how to really write about what I feel from my appointment, so once I formulate what I want to say...I will update people. I made it through the appointment. It was difficult, but I survive