I believe the anger phase of grief has begun to set in. I'm not angry for the fact that this happened. I wished we hadn't have lost Bentley, but I think my anger has more become anger towards those that either haven't acknowledged Bentley or those that want to diminish the pain that Blake and I feel. I'm tired of certain people telling me that I need to stop "sulking" or filling out his baby book. I'm fed up with people who want to tell me to "get over Bentley". I'm tired of people thinking that their pain is worse than Blake and I. I'm simply tired of selfish people. Blake and I are doing so well.
I don't think people understand that this situation could have taken us to some DARK places. We could have taken the low road, and we could have resorted to drinking and partying. We could have become suicidal. We could have fallen in deep depression. And, you know what? GOD has intervened in our lives. He has stood firm in our lives amidst the chaos. He has held our hand through this, and he has carried us to become better individuals, and we have become a stronger couple, and we have understood what a true parent is.
I will never be over Bentley. I will forever talk about Bentley in my everyday life, and I will continue to make his memory live on forever. If there is anyone who can not take that or understand, then they do not need to be apart of it. Those people who are selfish and have their own agenda's do not need to be apart of our grieving process. They do not need to feel the need to support us if you are only bringing negativity into our lives. I have decided to put my foot down. I want to get rid of the negativity. Our family doesn't need negativity. And, when I say our family--our family consists of Blake, Bailey, Bentley, baby #2, and me.
We have been told that this situation can make or break a couple, and Blake and I have grown so close it isn't even funny. I can not attest that everyone else has grown closer. This experience has made us realize who is there and who isn't. This experience has lifted blinders from our eyes to notice who is selfish and who is selfless. I have realized those who truly grieve or they grieve for attention or the ones who simply have showed that they don't even care one bit. Losing Bentley has been the WORST experience of our lives, and he was a baby. He was a human being. He was FULL TERM. He weighed 6lbs 19 inches. He wasn't a ball of cells. We lost our son. We lost our LIVING son. He may not have lived a moment outside of the womb, but he was living within me. He is still my son regardless. Blake and I may have never have experienced your traditional relationship with Bentley, but we experienced 38 weeks. We experienced his life time with him. No one else.
Bentley was carried in my stomach for 38 weeks. Blake is the one who held my stomach. He's the one who supported my every move. Blake's the one who came to almost every appointment along with my mom. Blake and I were the ones that purchased Bentley's toys and clothing. We were the ones that prepared everything for Bentley. We filled his room with diapers, not anyone else. And, it was Blake who held my hand from the moment we heard those awful words. It was Blake who held me while we sobbed together. It was Blake and I who stood in that room. It was Blake who stood by my side during every contraction. It was him who helped me focus when I thought the epidural was going to hurt. Blake was the one who coached me on how to breathe (along with the nurse and midwife). It was me who pushed Bentley out--dead. It was Blake and I together who held Bentley for the first time. It was our tears that were shed. We were the screaming ones. We were the one whose world shattered. It was Blake and I who signed the papers for the hospital. It is Blake and I who don't get a birth certificate for Bentley, but we receive a death certificate. It was Blake and I who planned his funeral. It is our pain. We carry this forever. Yes, others feel pain. My mother feels the pain for me because she hates to see me have to go through this, but Bentley was Blake and I's loss. We were the ones that lost Bentley. Our family members lost a grandchild; they lost a cousin or a niece or nephew. No one else carried Bentley or knew Bentley like we did. So, their pain is different. It isn't the same. And, losing Bentley has been the WORST, and it will always be the WORST. The pain doesn't go away. It is all still so unreal, but we will get through this with the power of God. We are still clinging to God because that's all we can do.
So, to those that want to think their pain is greater--it isn't. Unless someone has lost their hopes and dreams in a child, then your pain isn't greater than mine. I'm not meaning selfish or rude, but its the truth. Losing a child is the classified as the worst pain. It isn't natural. It isn't supposed to be that way. I should die before my child dies. So, Blake and I will carry this pain. We will continue to lay it at Jesus' feet to make it throug
I don't think people understand that this situation could have taken us to some DARK places. We could have taken the low road, and we could have resorted to drinking and partying. We could have become suicidal. We could have fallen in deep depression. And, you know what? GOD has intervened in our lives. He has stood firm in our lives amidst the chaos. He has held our hand through this, and he has carried us to become better individuals, and we have become a stronger couple, and we have understood what a true parent is.
I will never be over Bentley. I will forever talk about Bentley in my everyday life, and I will continue to make his memory live on forever. If there is anyone who can not take that or understand, then they do not need to be apart of it. Those people who are selfish and have their own agenda's do not need to be apart of our grieving process. They do not need to feel the need to support us if you are only bringing negativity into our lives. I have decided to put my foot down. I want to get rid of the negativity. Our family doesn't need negativity. And, when I say our family--our family consists of Blake, Bailey, Bentley, baby #2, and me.
We have been told that this situation can make or break a couple, and Blake and I have grown so close it isn't even funny. I can not attest that everyone else has grown closer. This experience has made us realize who is there and who isn't. This experience has lifted blinders from our eyes to notice who is selfish and who is selfless. I have realized those who truly grieve or they grieve for attention or the ones who simply have showed that they don't even care one bit. Losing Bentley has been the WORST experience of our lives, and he was a baby. He was a human being. He was FULL TERM. He weighed 6lbs 19 inches. He wasn't a ball of cells. We lost our son. We lost our LIVING son. He may not have lived a moment outside of the womb, but he was living within me. He is still my son regardless. Blake and I may have never have experienced your traditional relationship with Bentley, but we experienced 38 weeks. We experienced his life time with him. No one else.
Bentley was carried in my stomach for 38 weeks. Blake is the one who held my stomach. He's the one who supported my every move. Blake's the one who came to almost every appointment along with my mom. Blake and I were the ones that purchased Bentley's toys and clothing. We were the ones that prepared everything for Bentley. We filled his room with diapers, not anyone else. And, it was Blake who held my hand from the moment we heard those awful words. It was Blake who held me while we sobbed together. It was Blake and I who stood in that room. It was Blake who stood by my side during every contraction. It was him who helped me focus when I thought the epidural was going to hurt. Blake was the one who coached me on how to breathe (along with the nurse and midwife). It was me who pushed Bentley out--dead. It was Blake and I together who held Bentley for the first time. It was our tears that were shed. We were the screaming ones. We were the one whose world shattered. It was Blake and I who signed the papers for the hospital. It is Blake and I who don't get a birth certificate for Bentley, but we receive a death certificate. It was Blake and I who planned his funeral. It is our pain. We carry this forever. Yes, others feel pain. My mother feels the pain for me because she hates to see me have to go through this, but Bentley was Blake and I's loss. We were the ones that lost Bentley. Our family members lost a grandchild; they lost a cousin or a niece or nephew. No one else carried Bentley or knew Bentley like we did. So, their pain is different. It isn't the same. And, losing Bentley has been the WORST, and it will always be the WORST. The pain doesn't go away. It is all still so unreal, but we will get through this with the power of God. We are still clinging to God because that's all we can do.
So, to those that want to think their pain is greater--it isn't. Unless someone has lost their hopes and dreams in a child, then your pain isn't greater than mine. I'm not meaning selfish or rude, but its the truth. Losing a child is the classified as the worst pain. It isn't natural. It isn't supposed to be that way. I should die before my child dies. So, Blake and I will carry this pain. We will continue to lay it at Jesus' feet to make it throug