Blake & I woke up today, and we knew it was going to be a tough one. And, we were right! We had already decided that today was the day that we would enter Bentley's room. I will be honest the actual act of entering the room wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Of course, Blake and I cried, and we were sad. But, it honestly felt good to look at his things. It felt nice to remember all things we had bought for him. And, I am not kidding...Bentley had more clothes than any newborn I know. He had a full dresser and a full closet, and he had closed packed away that didn't fit! He would have been adorable in each and every outfit. I had told Blake on many occasions that I had planned to just change his outfits all the time since he had so many clothes--whether he needed or not. I just wanted to dress him up. I wanted to hold in my arms, and I wanted to tell people "This is my son, isn't he perfect?"
When Blake and I went into Bentley's room, there were so many different emotions that came over me. I really didn't know what to think. I had everything ready....we looked his crib that lay empty. Bentley would never lay his head in his jungle themed crib...I sat in my chair. I often sat in the chair and would "rock" Bentley in my stomach, and I would have long talks with him, but I will never get to physically hold him in my arms and rock him to sleep. I stared at his diapers that I'll never get to use for him. I folded his clothes in his dresser--the clothes his tiny body will never wear. Blake helped organize his toys that he'll never get to play with. And, we just stood there. We cried. We held each other. This is our son's things...items he will never get to use. It just doesn't seem fair. It isn't fair. There is no answer to why this happened. Tonight I am even struggling to type. I am struggling to even write. Today I have felt anger. I have had my feelings hurt. I have been confused. I have turned my anger to God. I have asked him to help me not be angry. I know it is a stage in grief, but I feel that it is a stage that many come to whether they want to or not. I am learning that there is no right way to grieve--there's just simply a good way of handling it. I can tell you that I pray everyday that God gives Blake and I the strength to make it through another day. It IS hard. It is extremely difficult to even put those feet on the ground. It is hard to put that smile on your face when someone is all excited about something. It is hard to express ourselves to people. But, what are we supposed to do? We can't hide in our basement or in our house forever. There is no way to avoid people. We can't escape this. I think this is something that many people don't understand. Blake and I can't overwhelm ourselves with activities. We can't "cover" up this pain. We can't stay so busy that our mind doesn't stop to think. We can't use work as something to ease the pain or really anything at all. There is NOTHING to ease the pain. Time will help heal, but there isn't anything that will bring Bentley back. He is in Heaven, and there is nothing that I can do to change that. I can tell you that if I had to do ANYTHING to see Bentley again, i would in a heartbeat--Blake and I both would travel the world and back just to hold Bentley. I have heard so many things lately, and some things just make me sick to my stomach. I hear people tell us "to get over it", "you'll have more children", "there musta been something wrong", "aw ok" (after hearing the story), "you're just jealous". The last phase stings the most--"you're just jealous". Seriously? I'm not even lying when I say that we have heard this line. I am not going to go into detail regarding the circumstances that any of these comments were made, but this lines are all THE WRONG THINGS YOU SAY TO SOMEONE WHO LOST THEIR SON. I am not going to just get over it. Bentley is a human being, he is our son, things aren't supposed to happen this way. Blake and I are supposed to outlive our children. The next line--"you'll have more children"--yes, more than likely Blake and I will have more children if we are blessed, but BENTLEY CAN"T BE REPLACED. No child will replace Bentley. Blake and I know that no matter how many children we have our heart will still long and ache for Bentley. "There musta been something wrong"? Um, no everything came back fine medically...there was no abnormalities. genetically Bentley was fine. Medically I am fine. Thanks for asking. "Aw ok"...thanks for the I'm sorry for your loss. Even if you don't know us, "I'm sorry" is pretty generic--if someone doesn't know what to say it's fine, but say something. When someone says nothing, it hurts more than someone saying the wrong thing. And, the last phase--"you're just jealous"! SERIOUSLY?!?! Jealous..hmm, I don't believe that we are. This phase especially made me angry. I couldn't believe someone would even think that Blake and I could be jealous. I see numerous children every time I walk into a store, into church, or most days when I leave Bailey out to pee. I am NOT jealous of anyone's children; nor am I jealous of people being pregnant. I may want a child, but I want MY child. I want Bentley, and Blake and I want a family. I don't envy anyone else's life. I have Blake who is the BEST husband and there is no comparison to him. Blake is sincere and honest and loving and funny and everything that I ever wanted in a guy. He is dedicated and a great father--why would I want any other man? And, why would I want any one else's baby? They aren't Bentley. I don't want any one elses job because I love my job. Will my job be difficult? Yes, because I have to walk in the hospital. Will I handle it? Heck yes I will. I will do it because I have support from friends and family and most importantly I have God on my side, and I have a supportive husband. I don't envy anyone's life. I don't believe that Blake does either. We love each other, and while we would love to bring Bentley back...we don't envy anyone else's lives either. Blake & I see children all the time, and many of my friends have babies on the way or they already have their own children. Is it hard to see them? YES! I am not going to lie. It will be difficult, but it isn't difficult because I wish I had their kid. It is difficult because I think of Bentley, and I think about what it would be like to have him here with us now. It should be Blake and ours time, but it isn't. God has different plans, and I believe he will bless us with another child. Blake and I have already turned that over to Him to let everything happen when it is supposed to. I can tell you it is hard. There is no "easy" part to any of this. I can tell you that it is hard for Blake and I to be emotionally attached to any children right now. We shouldn't have to, and I can tell you that I won't. It doesn't mean that we love them any less. I actually love kids, and they put smiles on my face, but I don't have to be involved right now with any kids, and it isn't because I don't want to--it's because I can't. I need to grieve our son. I need to focus on healing. I need to ensure that Bentley's memory stays alive. I have to in my own way figure how to sort all this out. I can't be pushed to have kids be apart of our lives simply because they don't replace Bentley. I just can't have people expect things from me right now when it comes to being involved in their kid's life. It doesn't mean I don't want invited to the birthday parties. It doesn't mean I don't want to hear stories. It just means if I say "Hey, I can't come" or "I don't think I can deal with this now" or "I'll send a gift, but I don't think I'll make it", then don't disown me. Don't think I'm mad or upset at you--it simply means I can't right now because emotionally it's too difficult. One thing that I do need prayer on is I kept saying to everyone that I wanted to get involved in playing volleyball. I used to love playing volleyball. I have said this even while I was pregnant. I haven't participated in playing volleyball in so long. Two weeks after Bentley passed away...I was asked to coach a 12u's team for WACO. For those that do not know, it is a club volleyball team here in Hagerstown. At first, I thought seriously? There is no way, no how. But, I said...maybe this is the answer to my prayer--I had been wanting to do something with volleyball. I prayed about it, and I decided that I would give it a shot. I know I'll need lots of prayers, but I want to help others, and I love playing volleyball. I am going to be coaching a 12's team. It is a group of 10 girls that I'll be coaching this season. I am nervous, but I know that God will help me through this. It is going to be a learning experience, a growing experience, and a healing experience. I hope that God can use me in these girl's lives--whether they learn skills from me or they learn something larger than volleyball, my wish is that they will see me as someone of influence, as more than just another coach, but someone who wants to make a difference. Well, I have a feeling this blog is quite lengthy, most times I don't even realize because I just sit and type and type, but i will end this now. My love for Bentley will never change. It didn't October 17th-18th, and it hasn't one month later, and it won't 10 years to a millon years from now. Bentley is and will forever be the son to Blake and Stephanie Nalley. He just simply is working on our mansion in Heaven...We love you Bentle
1 Comment
Annette
11/17/2011 12:13:27 pm
You are so strong and never fail to bring me to tears. Those harsh things people say, are absurd and just rude. I pray for you and Blake every morning and night. Tomorrow, I'll be saying an extra one since you're returning to work. <3
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AuthorWe are going through a very difficult journey-My husband (Blake) and I (Steph) lost our baby boy at 38 weeks. His name is Bentley Charles Nalley. This is a blog to help sort out our grief and express how we feel. Archives
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