2. PAIN & GUILT-As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
5. THE UPWARD TURN-As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
Now....before anyone reads this and says, "well, Steph you should be on stage 3 or 4 or 5 or wherever someone feels that we need to be"...I want everyone to know that these stages can be several at once, one at a time, or you can start with stage 7 and go backwards. I don't necessarily agree with each stage exactly, and I don't believe that each person's journey when handling these stages are the same, and I truly believe that some stages can be repeated before making it to the next one. And, I think that it can vary with the length of time you spend in each stage. There is no time frame truly for grief.
So...why do i write this? Why do I explain it? I explain it because today and this past weekend...I really feel like I've experienced possibly all these stages at one time or another in the last several days. I have tried really hard to let go of anger. I have told myself that I do not want to be an angry person, and I don't, and I refuse to let myself become a bitter person filled with hatred that I can not see past antyhing. But, I am finding that anger is truly something necessary when grieving. I give my anger to God, and I am relying on Him to continue to carry me through, but I do understand that it is okay to be angry. It is okay to be this way. We lost our son.
I texted Blake today while at work. I said, "you know...sometimes I just want to scream at people who are pregnant. I want to tell people who have children that they need to count their blessings. I want to just snap" He agreed. It's natural. It isn't selfish, and it isn't wrong. I want Bentley here. We want to have our son. Bentley should be here. There is no reason that he was taken so early. There truly is no answer to the why, and it makes me soooooo very angry when I look at someone who has children and could careless abou them. It also makes me angry when I look at my friends and family have children, and I just want to say "THAT SHOULD BE ME!" And, you know it isn't wrong of me to think that. Some may think it is...but I wish it was me. I wish I was enduring the effects of the labor after pains. I wish I had the sleepless nights because Bentley was keeping me up all night. I wish that I was running to monthly doctor's appts for check ups for Bentley. I wish that I got to hold him in my arms, and I wish that he just was simply here physically with me.
I don't want to sound ungrateful. I understand that myself being pregnant is a blessing. It truly is a privledge. My heart literally aches for those who long to be parents, but have not have the opportunity or they are still waiting for the opportunity. I count my blessings, so please no one think that I am being ungrateful. I am so THANKFUL for being pregnant. I am so happy that I have baby Chase on the way, but I can attest that it DOES NOT make losing Bentley acceptable. It doesn't replace him. It doesn't make me miss him any less. I HATE that look that I see in someone's else when they are excited for their first pregnancy. I witnessed it tonight. He says, "oh, I'm grown up now...I got a baby due in like the next month". And, he just had that happiness, that innocence. I miss that. We don't have that anymore. I wish that Bentley was here more than anything. I wish we were experiencing this pregnancy together physically. I'd do anything to bring him back...anything at all.
But, now in life, I hold my breathe. I hold my breathe for 9 months. My life consists of avoiding the question, "How many children do you have?" It consists of dodging people who I know don't know what happened or those that they do know but they can't seem to stop talking about it. Our lives consist of every happy moment backed by a sad one knowing that Bentley is missing from our "happy moment". There isn't ANYTHING in our lives that don't involve the sadness and happiness that surrounds our precious baby boy Bentley.
Well, I guess this is enough rant for now...I guess the gist of this is probably I feel angry. I feel angry that I have to live this "new normal" life. I feel angry that Blake and I have to carry this pain forever. It breaks my heart even more when I think forever. Forever seems so long. I am angry not that I wish this upon someone else, but I don't wish this upon anyone. I am angry that people don't understand our frustrations. I am angry that people don't understand the severity of our pain. I am angry that Bentley was taken too soon.....