We made it through the day...it was our first holiday without Bentley. It was Bentley's first Thanksgiving in Heaven. We wanted to remember Bentley during our Thanksgiving dinner, so we lit a candle for his memory and I had purchased a pumpkin for the family to sign whoever was at Thanksgiving dinner. We will add it to his collection of stuff. I swear Bentley has more stuff than anyone I know...lol He may never get to use it, but I can tell you that each thing that we bought for Bentley and any preparations that we made for his awaited arrival will continue to have meaning to us. I walk into his room, and I look through his belongings only to be filled with memories. I probably can tell you every occasion to which we bought most of things. I can probably take you to almost every yard sale that we bought some of things because memories flood my mind. I remember the week that we found out I was pregnant. There was yard sales at a local funkstown club place, and we bought a bag full of neutral clothing...I bought his changing table at a used furniture sales place in greencastle. Everyone kept saying, "Steph, don't buy so much so early...you never know what could happen" I didn't care that I was literally 5 weeks pregnant--our son was going to have everything he needed. Blake and I have never claimed to be rich; therefore, we purchased things as we could. Ah, the best though was the yard sale that the hospital sponsors. Oh my! I remember that I was 19 weeks and 4 days when we found out that Bentley was going to be a boy. I was so happy 1) because we were having a boy and 2) I was going to find out before the Kid's Stuff Yard sale. I was so determined to know what we were having before that yard sale. And, it was perfect we found his crib set there that I LOVED. And, we found a bunch of clothes and this really cute monkey costume. Urgh...I so wish that he could use all of those things. I can tell you that it may sound like nothing, but I am thankful for those memories. I am thankful that I got to share that joy. Bentley made me a better person. He sparked a life in me that I never had before, and I was the girl who said I'd never have children. I don't physically have Bentley with me now, but I can tell you that our son changed my life. And, I am so thankful for him. Yes, I wish for a lot of things, and I will always wish for everything that I will never get with Bentley, but I am thankful for the 38 weeks that I did have.
Sometimes I sit and I think about all the memories that I DID have that many people don't ever get. I wish that Bentley was here with us every moment of everyday, and I will for the rest of my life, but let me explain something. I am thankful that I had Bentley. I am thankful for those 38 weeks because some people get nothing. Some women don't experience having a child. Some women never do. Many couples never have their own children; some try for years and years and it just doesn't seem to be their time. So, in some perspective...I am thankful even more so for those 38 weeks. Do I wish a life time? Yes I do, but I have to be thankful for what I did have. I can tell you that Bentley gave me a joy. He gave me a peace that regardless of where I had been in my life...it wasn't going to be where I ended up. I never will claim to be the perfect person. I will never claim that I haven't gone through hard times. I haven't always been the nicest or the most ethically correct person or the most spiritual. I will be honest that I'll never win the award for being the best at pretty much anything in my life, but I can tell you that I have learned so much. I have discovered the person that I don't want to be, and I have realized how valuable our time is on earth. I have learned that life is precious and our time is limited. I know I have drilled this over and over again, but I can't tell you how much I have learned when it comes to life being precious. I know some may say 'Go figure, Steph. Or, it is such a shame you have to learn it this way." You are right. It is awful that I learn these things now, but I can't stress enough to people how important it is to take a look at your life and think about how you could be a better person. I am NEVER going to claim that I am some awesome person now that we are going through this awful experience--I only share my desires to let people know who I was and what I wish I was. I shouldn't have to go through a bad experience to say "Where's God?" I should want to live a life for God BEFORE an experience like this. It is my obligation to God, to Bentley, and to myself to share my story with others. I know that I don't have to tell everyone about what happened to us, and I don't tell people so that they feel sorry for us. I tell people because I want people to know that God is here. God was there with me, and God will continue to carry us through. Blake and I have met so many people who stood firm in God and he has carried them through this horrible experience and he has continued to bless their lives. I can tell you that I wouldn't be standing on my feet without Jesus and the hope of Heaven. I have a hope. I have a future. I have a life beyond this world to look forward to, and I have an anticipation and a joy to meet Bentley one day. I have a son in Heaven; yes, I wish it was different, but i know that he blessed Blake and I, and I know that he has changed lives. I am proud to call Bentley my son.
Now...I do have one negative thing to say regarding Thanksgiving. So, Blake and I woke up and got ready to go see Bentley. We stopped at his grave on our way to dinner at my parents. Boy did I get a surprise when we showed up there! Blake and I are standing at his grave, and I was just staring at it. Blake says "Look, there it is". I looked at him with a confused look on my face. I had no clue what I was supposed to be looking at--he points to this grave to the right of Bentley's. What was on this grave? BENTLEY'S HEADSTONE WAS ON SOME OTHER BABIES GRAVE!!!!!!!!! Ahhh...I wanted to scream. Apparently, this week Bentley's headstone came in. Rest Haven was supposed to call me which they never did. They were to tell me when the stone came in so I could remove all of his things so they could place the stone. I never got a call. I was so mad when I saw his headstone on another grave. I know people make mistakes but haven't we been through enough? I know it can be changed, but seriously? So, we ride up to the office. I know it's thanksgiving, but they had told us they always had someone on call if we ever needed them. I called the phone number, and I got to speak with the funeral director. He was VERY apologetic. I explained that it was okay as long as they fixed it asap. Tomorrow morning I will be getting up at 8am to contact them to find out the time they will be fixing his headstone. The funeral director said he would call me so I could be present while they placed his headstone on the correct grave. I told him he had better, but I will be calling in the AM just to make sure. Blake and I were very laid back about actually. I thought I was going to scream at the guy, but I kept my cool because I know people make mistakes. Sorry I had to say something negative, but I had to let that out there. I just want the best for my son...I will end it on a positive though...his headstone came in. They had told us it wouldn't be in until Christmas. It was here by Thankgiving. So, I can tell you that I am thankful that it came so quick. We love you Bentley!
Sometimes I sit and I think about all the memories that I DID have that many people don't ever get. I wish that Bentley was here with us every moment of everyday, and I will for the rest of my life, but let me explain something. I am thankful that I had Bentley. I am thankful for those 38 weeks because some people get nothing. Some women don't experience having a child. Some women never do. Many couples never have their own children; some try for years and years and it just doesn't seem to be their time. So, in some perspective...I am thankful even more so for those 38 weeks. Do I wish a life time? Yes I do, but I have to be thankful for what I did have. I can tell you that Bentley gave me a joy. He gave me a peace that regardless of where I had been in my life...it wasn't going to be where I ended up. I never will claim to be the perfect person. I will never claim that I haven't gone through hard times. I haven't always been the nicest or the most ethically correct person or the most spiritual. I will be honest that I'll never win the award for being the best at pretty much anything in my life, but I can tell you that I have learned so much. I have discovered the person that I don't want to be, and I have realized how valuable our time is on earth. I have learned that life is precious and our time is limited. I know I have drilled this over and over again, but I can't tell you how much I have learned when it comes to life being precious. I know some may say 'Go figure, Steph. Or, it is such a shame you have to learn it this way." You are right. It is awful that I learn these things now, but I can't stress enough to people how important it is to take a look at your life and think about how you could be a better person. I am NEVER going to claim that I am some awesome person now that we are going through this awful experience--I only share my desires to let people know who I was and what I wish I was. I shouldn't have to go through a bad experience to say "Where's God?" I should want to live a life for God BEFORE an experience like this. It is my obligation to God, to Bentley, and to myself to share my story with others. I know that I don't have to tell everyone about what happened to us, and I don't tell people so that they feel sorry for us. I tell people because I want people to know that God is here. God was there with me, and God will continue to carry us through. Blake and I have met so many people who stood firm in God and he has carried them through this horrible experience and he has continued to bless their lives. I can tell you that I wouldn't be standing on my feet without Jesus and the hope of Heaven. I have a hope. I have a future. I have a life beyond this world to look forward to, and I have an anticipation and a joy to meet Bentley one day. I have a son in Heaven; yes, I wish it was different, but i know that he blessed Blake and I, and I know that he has changed lives. I am proud to call Bentley my son.
Now...I do have one negative thing to say regarding Thanksgiving. So, Blake and I woke up and got ready to go see Bentley. We stopped at his grave on our way to dinner at my parents. Boy did I get a surprise when we showed up there! Blake and I are standing at his grave, and I was just staring at it. Blake says "Look, there it is". I looked at him with a confused look on my face. I had no clue what I was supposed to be looking at--he points to this grave to the right of Bentley's. What was on this grave? BENTLEY'S HEADSTONE WAS ON SOME OTHER BABIES GRAVE!!!!!!!!! Ahhh...I wanted to scream. Apparently, this week Bentley's headstone came in. Rest Haven was supposed to call me which they never did. They were to tell me when the stone came in so I could remove all of his things so they could place the stone. I never got a call. I was so mad when I saw his headstone on another grave. I know people make mistakes but haven't we been through enough? I know it can be changed, but seriously? So, we ride up to the office. I know it's thanksgiving, but they had told us they always had someone on call if we ever needed them. I called the phone number, and I got to speak with the funeral director. He was VERY apologetic. I explained that it was okay as long as they fixed it asap. Tomorrow morning I will be getting up at 8am to contact them to find out the time they will be fixing his headstone. The funeral director said he would call me so I could be present while they placed his headstone on the correct grave. I told him he had better, but I will be calling in the AM just to make sure. Blake and I were very laid back about actually. I thought I was going to scream at the guy, but I kept my cool because I know people make mistakes. Sorry I had to say something negative, but I had to let that out there. I just want the best for my son...I will end it on a positive though...his headstone came in. They had told us it wouldn't be in until Christmas. It was here by Thankgiving. So, I can tell you that I am thankful that it came so quick. We love you Bentley!