Night three of no sleep. I'm trying hard to not have to take something to sleep, but I think I may have to cave because I can't go another night with no sleep. We had the Labor of Love Memorial for those who have lost their babies last night. I loved it. I was nervous all day because I didn't know what to expect, and we had written a letter that I knew I wanted to read , but I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to read it. I wanted so bad to read it for Bentley. I wanted to be strong for him. I am trying so hard to be strong for him. I know he would want his Mom and Dad to be strong. I believe that. Well, it was very touching, and we got to meet a lot of families. It gives me hope. I looked around, and it makes me so sad that we are all united for the reason that we all lost our babies. It hurts that I have to meet new friends this way. Why can't we all just have our children? Why do I have to find people in support groups or attend counseling? Why do I have to do all of these things without Bentley? It is just simply unfair. I know I am still trusting God. I am clinging to the hope for a future. I am clinging to Blake, and we are walking forward still taking it a day at a time, but the why sneaks into my brain at least once a day.
I think the question of "why" is still going to be normal, even though I am trusting God. I know that I will still question why it happened--it's human nature. I left the house for alittle bit today, so I could just get out. I just needed to feel like I could breathe. I was sitting here to replaying every event from the last 9 months in my brain. What could we have seen? What could we have done? How could we have saved him? Then, I stopped, and I said "God, please...please help me through this?" I know He is there. I can feel it. So, I went to food court, and I ate lunch with my grandparents at the mall. I just needed a break from the silence. It was nice, and it helped. Sometimes just a simple car ride gives me the perfect silence. I listen to Word FM, and just drive to wherever I am headed, and it gives me a peace. My lonely car rides are when I talk to Bentley, just like before. (only this time, I don't have him in my belly :( )
Anyways, I walked in the door. 1) I was excited because our netflix finally came! 2) My medical records were here. The second thing was a little more exciting though, and I don't know why. I got my medical records, and I torn the folder open. I scanned the entire packet. Nothing. Nothing abnormal. Nothing. Everything "remarkably well". Growth normal. Normal. Normal. Normal. WHY!?!?!?! You'd think reading the words normal everywhere would make me happy. And, it is comforting--it gives me a peace of mind for the future. But, it isn't settling with Bentley. Why did it have to be Bentley? He was normal. No heartbeat, what? Seriously...I just doesn't make sense. It makes it all the more that I have to lay at Jesus' feet. It makes it even more difficult because what is normal? My life is far from normal now. I don't really know what to think. That word "normal" scares me. It intimidates me, and it makes me uncomfortable. Normal isn't associated with good...it only places fear.
I'm missing Bentley...I just want him to be here in my arms. I want to hold him, and I want to tell him that I love him. I remember all the promises that I made to him...the promises that will never come t