I'm sitting here watching ESPN. It is what I do. Blake leaves for work. I watch ESPN. ALL day. Weird, huh? I hate to change the channel. I hate seeing scrolling through channels for fear or a reminder of what I may see. It may sound stupid, but it's true. I used to sit and watch Baby Story or I didn't know I was pregnant or just about anything on TV when Blake would leave for work. Now, I watch ESPN. I watch ESPN because there isn't any disappointment. (Only when a team I like loses) There isn't any life or death situations. It is simply people playing sports they love. I can handle that. It has no relation to what I feel and it certainly doesn't place emotions within me. It is a safe. I will continue to watch ESPN...it is better than silence.
Yesterday, I did something difficult...I wrote a letter to the doctor that gave me the information that Bentley's heart wasn't beating. I wrote a letter not to be negative.Not to be angry. Not to portray anything bad at all. I simply wrote a letter because I needed it through my healing process. I need to be able to face him again. I need to be able to sit in that doctor's office and not feel uncomfortable. I need to be able to not fear him. Blake and I plan to continue to use the same practice, and I need to be able to know that I can sit in the office with him again. I know that it is going to be difficult, and I don't think a letter is going to make it all better. The letter is a symbol of me letting go of my anger towards him. I'd love to sit and say that I was never angry with him. I can tell you that I never blamed him because I knew it wasn't him fault, but I did have anger towards that day. I still don't 100% agree with the patient care I received that day, but I can assure you that I am letting it go. I am laying it at His feet. I know that Bentley would not want me to hate him. I know that he was and is apart of Bentley's life. Every doctor, nurse, midwife, secretary, ultrasound tech are all apart of Bentley's life; therefore, I need to acknowledge that. And, I know that they care. I forgive that office for mistakes made that day--whether they felt they did anything wrong or not. I am forgiving them for myself. I am acknowledging that I need to move forward. I know that God can help me through this.
Tomorrow is the Memorial Service that Labor of Love supports to light candles and simply have a memorial for parents who have lost their babies. I am excited for the service, but I am also nervous for the emotions that will probably run rampid. I don't know how Blake and I will handle it, but I know that I am excited because it is something I get to do for Bentley. I get to memorialize him. He is still my son. I am still his mom. And Blake is still his dad. We love to celebrate him. And, I am looking forward to being able to memorialize him because Bentley deserves the best. He is my firstborn--that is all I e