Things I wonder..what will Bentley look like in heaven? Will he be a baby? Will he age? Will I get to hold him? I am going to start looking into this. I am not going to lie I don't know enough about what the Bible says regarding this...I know I'd liked to believe that he would get to "grow up" but I don't know. I'd also like to think that when I see Bentley again, I will get to hold him like a baby..so I don't know what to think about this one quite yet. I guess I need to get reading up on this thing.
Today we went to see my grandparents. It was nice. I don' see them as much as I used to. I am really glad that my grandmother came to my 20 week appt. with me. She was able to be apart of our pregnancy by being there at the appointment with Blake & I when we found out that Bentley was going to be a boy. She was able to hear his heart beating. She was able to share our joy when we found out we were having little Bentley. He had a name even before we knew we were having a boy. Blake and I had began the name search the week we found out, and I think we had a boy's named picked out first. We had a tough time deciding a girl's name. I guess it is a good thing!! I just knew we were going to have a boy.
I went back into the hospital to talk with my boss yesterday, and it went really good. I am very appreciative of my boss. I am thankful that I have such a great work family and people who are ready to support me as I return to work. I have been VERY nervous about returning to work. I don't doubt that I can do my job. I just am nervous about 1) being in the hospital all day. 2) seeing patients family members and seeing that "loss look" in their face when they lose a loved one. 3) people asking me questions or seeing it in their face that they feel sorry for us. The third thing I can't escape. I run into everywhere I go. I think every person Blake and I see gets that look in their face. It is a look I appreciate, and I dread at the same time. I watch people's eyes fill with tears when we approach, and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because I feel their tears. I feel it all. But, I can tell you the tears that I cry are tears of longingness of the "I wish this is" or "if only Bentley was here"...I don't cry tears because I am worried about where Bentley is or if he is safe. I can assure you that I have a peace regarding death. I don't question where he is or feel sick that I don't know how he is doing. I KNOW Bentley is doing better than I ever could be, and I know he is having an amazing time in Heaven. Death isn't a bad thing--the actual concept of it. I wish Bentley was here--do not get me wrong. If I could bring him back, I so would. Would it be selfish of me? Heck yeah! I can tell you that I am okay with being selfish about that. I think any human being, Christian or not, would want to bring their child back or any lost loved one.
Blake and I were also able to meet with our midwife yesterday. I can tell you--she is an amazing women. I am so thankful that she was in that delivery room with Blake and I. I know that God places the right people in the right places at the right times, and I strongly believe that. She was the most compassionate person, and she felt that pain with me. She has proved that. She told me that she will always remember Bentley. Now, I have heard that from so many people, and I BELIEVE her. I know that she won't forget. And, I believe she will be apart of Blake& I's lives. I won't ever forget her, and I know she was doing her job, but she did her job amazing. I know that I wouldn't have been able to deliver Bentley without her help. She has made a difference in our lives. Along with the nurses that I had, the nurse that I had while in the delivery room was wonderful. She held my hand when I asked her to. She helped me breathe when I had no clue if I was going to make it through, and she even made me this wonderful ginger ale and canberry cancotion of a drink! lol. I had never had it before, but it tasted pretty good if I remember correctly. And, my nurse who took care of me the day I left....she did something so simple that meant the world to me. I was really nervous about leaving the front of the hospital--I was going to be the only person leaving the hospital without a baby. I was a mess about that. I didn't know what to think. I didn't want to walk out those front doors of the hospital. People would only ask. "where is your baby?" And, I had already had to handle that situation earlier that morning with the doctor who KNEW where my baby was. Anyways, I never told my nurse about my anxiety regarding leaving the hospital. I never mentioned that I didn't want to leave the hospital the front door--she just knew. She knew that I was uncomfortable with leaving that way, and once I sat in my wheelchair she looked at me and informed me that I wouldn't have to. She prepared me for what i was going to see as a strolled down the halls, and she took us out the back of the hospital. I believe that it was one of the things that meant the most.
Now that I am thinking about my leaving the hospital...I think that may have been the hardest. I was leaving the hospital. I was leaving Bentley in the morgue until the funeral home came to pick him up. I know that Bentley's spirit left me prior to this moment, but I was physically leaving his body. I sat in that wheelchair with my eyes closed, clutching Blake's hand. It was the hardest walk I ever had to take. I so wanted to have a baby in my arms--I wanted Bentley. I wanted people to stop me and say "aw, look at the baby" like I had seen so many times coming and going home from work at the hospital. I, myself, had stopped and down that to many other couples over the past 6 months while working there. And, I wasn't leaving the hospital with Bentley. I know that Jesus was carrying us out of the hospital that day, but we didn't physically have Bentley. I remember thinking that this is nightmare--this didn't just happen. And, I will honest I am reliving it as I am typing right now. It all felt so unreal. And, it still feels so unreal. I just wish I could go back so bad. I wish that I could restart October.
I think about the days leading up until October 17th. I know that weekend before I was so ready for Bentley. I had been sick with a head cold for a few days. I had never blown my nose so much as that Wednesday and Thursday before Bentley was delivered. I remember I was in bed for a few days just trying to sleep because I hadn't gotten much sleep. I would lay in bed and talk to Bentley. I'd wait to feel him kicking, and I'd tell him how excited we were for him to come. Everyday Blake and I would tell him that we were ready. We had so many people that were ready to meet him, and he could come at anytime. I think about the weekend...Friday and Saturday we did nothing. I think we spent the evening and the next day laying around being bums. We didn't feel like doing anything because we were prepared for labor to start. I was so anxious and I kept telling Blake that we needed to just rest. I would tell him that once Bentley came that we wouldn't be getting any sleep so we had to relax. Sunday, October 16th, we got up and we went to church. We came home and my mom had called because they had been out of town that weekend. She had told us to tell Bentley he could come now. I had gotten to the point that he was going to come when he wanted to come. So, I had told Blake that I was going to try to not stress about him coming--I said I am starting to think he's stubborn. Then, on Monday I know that the whole topic that I spoke to him was about how I was fine with whenever he came, and I explained to him that I was okay, and that I would be okay.
Ironic huh? I feel that my "last conversation" with Bentley while he was in my stomach was a confirmation that it was time. I didn't know that my conversation was going to lead to the outcome, but I can't change it. I wish I could. If there was something, that I could have done. I would have done it. I would have done it a million times right now. I feel like God had been preparing me and I didn't even realize it. ...
I'll write some later....this has gotten a little much for me today... I just miss our son so much. I hope people realize that life is precious. Life isn't guarenteed to anyone. I don't want to scare anyone either, but I have learned that I am not promised my next breathe, and our lives are out of our hands. Where will you go when you die though...have you thought about that? I know that I am going to go to Heaven. And, I know this because God has promised me eternal life. And, how do I know this? It may sound cliche, but it is true...I asked Jesus in my heart a long time ago, and I know His Holy Spirit has never left me. God gave up his only Son for me...how can I be angry with God that Bentley is in Heaven to be with him? I can't be angry because Bentley was his long before he was mine...I am thankful for the 38 weeks God did allow me to carry Bentley. End of story. Well, today it is...