3 months ago we welcomed our miracle--Chase Bentley Nalley. Our lives have changed even moreso in the last three months. I can't explain the whirlwind of emotions that we experience each and every day. Grief sure does take a toll on your life. It brings out the best and the worst in your life. You have ups. You have downs. There are days you are flying on cloud 9, ready for the day ahead; then other days, you are struggling to pull your head from the pillow.
It really is hard to believe that Blake and I are parents of two. Two children. One in Heaven, and one on earth, but yet most do not classify us as parents of two. I hear everday, "wait until you have your second." I stop for a second. I respond slowly as the anger boils in my blood. I polietely inform whoever may make that statement that I AM a mother of two, and I'll be waiting for my third. Many people still just don't say the "right" things, even though there probably never is the right thing to say, but I can tell you that all I want is for people to recognize that Bentley was a person. He was 6lbs 19 inches. I held him. I kissed him. We bathed him. He is OUR son. He is Chase's brother. And, yes he may not be here physically, but that lil boy lives in our lives every single day. He made Blake and I the parents that we are. He shaped us. He has made us a better person. And, I will never forget that.
Chase has become my life saver. He is my best friend next to Blake I feel. He literally gets me up everyday, plants that smile on my face, and he keeps me pushing forward. We don't move on, but we keep putting one foot in front of the other. That is what we do. Each step I take forward, I know is because of Bentley. I know he would want that. Is it easy? NO WAY. But, Chase brightens our lives as Bentley holds our hands.
Where has time gone though? Chase, who is two weeks away from being 4 months, is growing up way to fast. He is the happiest little boy ever. He is so content, and he just literally is perfect. I truly believe Bentley sent him to us. Chase hears Bentley's name and listens as Blake and I share about his older brother, and his face lights up. He literally seems as if he already knows, and I believe he does. I have never been one to believe in spirits or whatnot, but I believe that God has given a piece of Bentley to Chase. And, he is our miracle. The bond that Blake and I have with Chase is so tight that I don't think even we will ever fully understand.
As the holidays approach, they have been hard. There is excitement and there is sad times. But, I feel like this Christmas...I need it. I need the crazy shopping excurisions, and holiday traditions, and tons of gifts, and snow, and lights, and decorating and baking cookies, and singing holiday songs, church services, and good deeds to others. I need those memories because I know that Bentley would want us to live, but I also know that I need those things so I can keep living. I miss Bentley so much that most days my heart aches. This pain you learn to live with it, it doesn't go away. And, it is very serious. Many think we should be over it, but we aren't..and as the holidays approach, I need them to cope. I need them to survive. I know that Christmas will be difficult as every holiday has been since Bentley passed, but I need to hear Chase laugh and his eyes twinkle staring at the lights. I need to see that little boy being happy.
It really is hard to believe that Blake and I are parents of two. Two children. One in Heaven, and one on earth, but yet most do not classify us as parents of two. I hear everday, "wait until you have your second." I stop for a second. I respond slowly as the anger boils in my blood. I polietely inform whoever may make that statement that I AM a mother of two, and I'll be waiting for my third. Many people still just don't say the "right" things, even though there probably never is the right thing to say, but I can tell you that all I want is for people to recognize that Bentley was a person. He was 6lbs 19 inches. I held him. I kissed him. We bathed him. He is OUR son. He is Chase's brother. And, yes he may not be here physically, but that lil boy lives in our lives every single day. He made Blake and I the parents that we are. He shaped us. He has made us a better person. And, I will never forget that.
Chase has become my life saver. He is my best friend next to Blake I feel. He literally gets me up everyday, plants that smile on my face, and he keeps me pushing forward. We don't move on, but we keep putting one foot in front of the other. That is what we do. Each step I take forward, I know is because of Bentley. I know he would want that. Is it easy? NO WAY. But, Chase brightens our lives as Bentley holds our hands.
Where has time gone though? Chase, who is two weeks away from being 4 months, is growing up way to fast. He is the happiest little boy ever. He is so content, and he just literally is perfect. I truly believe Bentley sent him to us. Chase hears Bentley's name and listens as Blake and I share about his older brother, and his face lights up. He literally seems as if he already knows, and I believe he does. I have never been one to believe in spirits or whatnot, but I believe that God has given a piece of Bentley to Chase. And, he is our miracle. The bond that Blake and I have with Chase is so tight that I don't think even we will ever fully understand.
As the holidays approach, they have been hard. There is excitement and there is sad times. But, I feel like this Christmas...I need it. I need the crazy shopping excurisions, and holiday traditions, and tons of gifts, and snow, and lights, and decorating and baking cookies, and singing holiday songs, church services, and good deeds to others. I need those memories because I know that Bentley would want us to live, but I also know that I need those things so I can keep living. I miss Bentley so much that most days my heart aches. This pain you learn to live with it, it doesn't go away. And, it is very serious. Many think we should be over it, but we aren't..and as the holidays approach, I need them to cope. I need them to survive. I know that Christmas will be difficult as every holiday has been since Bentley passed, but I need to hear Chase laugh and his eyes twinkle staring at the lights. I need to see that little boy being happy.