Today was a rough day. Blake and I kept busy just looking around at the mall and shopping for our crazy Christmas sweaters for our family Christmas pictures. We had already picked out all of our Christmas "family" picture, and we changed our minds after we discovered Bentley couldn't be apart of it. So we are going to a funnier approach for Christmas pictures versus the serious, family photo. We had our moment of silence at 3:54pm to acknowledge our loss for Bentley just four weeks ago.
We were at the mall today and several others. Wow...when did Christmas sneak up on us? I swear Christmas moves up earlier and earlier every year in retail world. Everywhere we went Christmas music is playing and everyone is Christmas shopping. I am not excited about Christmas. Blake and I have been out looking for Christmas ideas for ornaments for Bentley's Christmas tree we started. I really have no desire to engage in celebrating a worldly Christmas. I will celebrate the birth of Christ, but screw the whole "Santa" side and gift giving and even gift getting. There isn't a thing in this world that I can think of that a literally need/want. I want my son. Can someone give Blake and I Bentley? No....I can answer that question; therefore, I'd rather just not participate in Christmas gift giving and laughing and all the emotions surrounding it. Just my opinion. One thing that I don't think many people understand about losing Bentley. I feel that many people who have lost other individuals can relate so much, but there isn't a way to describe the loss of a child. Blake had his basketball game tonight. We were sitting there waiting for his game to begin and my eyes filled with tears. Tears not for my baby Bentley, but my toddler Bentley. I cried because I won't get to have him by my side yelling "Go Daddy Go". Then, Blake's game started, and tears quickly filled my eyes again..this time tears for my twelve year old Bentley trying to tell everyone how to play basketball. Blake played really good tonight and FCF's team won, so that was definately good. But, tears fill my eyes again...tears fill my eyes because I won't ever see Bentley play basketball. Okay, now taking everyone back to my thought about how I don't think many people understand regarding out loss of Bentley--people don't need to shield their little baby from me or stop talking about children when I am around. It isn't always little kids that bring tears to my eyes. Yes, it is very difficult for Blake and I to see babies right now. But, tears come to my eyes when I think of the following: I won't ever see him push a kid on a play ground. I won't ever get to register him for t-ball, or basketball, or baseball. I won't ever get to take him to the dentist. (weird, I know!) I won't ever get to give him a lecture about how girls don't have cooties I won't ever get to take him to get his drivers lic.. Blake won't ever get to teach him to drive. Blake and I won't get to lecture him on his grades. Blake won't get to "have the talk" with him. And, so many more...the memories that I do have are completely different. Blake and I remember Bentley by our prep for him. We remember him by the houses we pass for yard saling. We remember the gifts people bought. We imagine what it would be like. We don't have solid "memories" persay, we have hopes. We have our dreams that we had for a life that Bentley would be apart of. We have our doctors appts and I have my sonogram pictures, but I don't have Bentley. I am thankful for all the memories that I have. I pass by houses or stores or just random triggers happens, and it brings a smile to my face. I remember the excitement and the anticipation that I had for Bentley to come. It makes me happy because I know that Blake and I love Bentley, and I know we loved Bentley long before we had Bentley. I don't ever want to take those 38 weeks for granted. I would relive those 38 weeks again and again and again. Bentley was the best baby. I had a great pregnancy with him, and he made me so happy. I know they say you have a "glow" when you're pregnant, but I glowed when I was pregnant. I can see it especially now. I look at pictures then and now, and I look different. I look in the mirror, and I see sadness and just simply grief. Blake and I miss Bentley so much. We long for the day that we get to see him again. I feel that it will be greatest reunion, and until then we will count our blessings. We will thank God for the moments that we had with Bentley, and we thank God for the changes that we've had in our lives. I am counting my blessings day by day....Bentley, we were blessed to have you as our son. Mom and Dad love you ALWAYS. You will never be replaced. Your memory will live on forever, I ca
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Please Be GentleCarol Adams Please be gentle with me for I am grieving... the sea I swim in is a lonely one and the shore seems miles away... Waves of despair numb my soul as I struggle through each day... My heart is heavy with sorrow... I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask "WHY"... At times my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly.. So great is my loss... Please don't turn away from me or tell me to move on with my life... I must embrace my pain before I can heal... Companion me through my tears... sit with me in loving silence... honor me where I am on this journey... Don't forget me or my child... Listen patiently to my story... I may need to tell it over and over again... It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss... Nurture me though the weeks and months ahead... Forgive me when I am distant or inconsolable... A Small flame still burns inside my heart... Memories trigger both laughter and tears... There is no right or wrong way to grieve... We each must find our own paths... but... please will you walk beside me? Thank you Lord, for all that I learn from my brokenness... and for the courage it takes to live with my pain... and for the strength it has taken to stay on shore... It was only four weeks ago that Blake and I were told that Bentley's heart wasn't beating any longer. It was four weeks ago that our world crashed. Our hopes and dreams for Bentley were told that it would never happen. We were given information that was completely devastating. I never thought I would see another tomorrow after hearing those words--"I'm sorry, Stephanie, but Bentley's heart is not beating". Sometimes I feel like I haven't seen a tomorrow, and I am stuck at that very moment. Sometimes it seems that this is all a dream, and one day I will wake up. I know that I am naive to think that, and it simply wishful thinking, but I have moments like that. We miss Bentley every moment of everyday. It seems that we are reminded someway somehow every where we go or even every where we look. I can tell you that I don't feel like this will ever stop. I know that each day will get easier to bear, but I can tell you that my love for Bentley and my longingness for him will never stop! Blake and I were talking this evening how we wish that we could hear him cry and make noises and just simply be here. But, I can tell you that I long to change a dirty diaper, I long to give him a bath, I long to hold him, I long to send him to time out, I long to tuck him into bed, I long to send him to kindergarten, ect. I long for all those moments. I long for the fights, the smiles, the teenage years, and beyond. I long for all those things for which Blake and I won't ever get to have. Yes, we may have more children, but I believe that the same desires will always be there--I won't ever have those things with Bentley. No matter if I have one more child or five more children--my love for Bentley won't ever change. There will be no child or person or dog or material thing that will ever fill that void in my heart for Bentley. Will God be there to help us along? Yes, he surely will, but I can't ever replace him...he is my firstborn son.
So, Blake went to work this morning, and I went to the chiropractor. Now, that was a weird experience. 1) He cracked my back and neck in ways I never thought it would. 2) He practically cried and was all emotional when I told him what happened to us. And, I ended up consoling him once again. This seems to happen everywhere I go. I tell someone what happens, then they end up getting upset and I have to tell them it is all okay, and I will be fine. I guess it is a good thing that he cares enough to get emotional, but it just was awkward. It makes me feel so awkward. Blake and I see it though all the time. It all brings me back to the fact that no one knows what to say. We get this, and it is an awful situation and the worst thing is it makes every relationship we have with people awkward. Friends and family who have been there through this whole process have been amazing....but I am not going to lie it hasn't been everyone. Blake and I are appreciative of everything that everyone has done to help us out and did for us the week Bentley passed away. We do often wonder though where everyone is? Where did everyone who was there that week go? It seems that more and more dwindle. My phone blinks less. My emails are less. We don't get mail other than bills. And, where we DEFINATELY appreciate everyone that supported us the first week....we still need people. And, I don't mean we need people's money or anything. We need people. We need friends. I know everyone is thinking about us, but a simple hey, how are you doing or a do you want to get dinner or just anything. We understand that no one knows what to say to us, but don't abandon us. Some days we feel that way. Yes, Blake and I don't go to bars anymore or have the same outlook on life, but we are still people. We are still your friends. Yes, our son died. Yes, it is awful, but now is when I need friends more than ever. Do we have ups and downs...yes? Of course we will have good days and bad days, but we simply need our friends. I feel like the people who have been the most are people who I've ever known my entire life or people who I've barely met. Some people we haven't spoken to at all of our friends, and others barely acknowledge Bentley's death. I am not saying any of this to make anyone feel upset or hurt anyone's feelings, but I can tell you that many days Blake and I feel like we are in this alone. We know God is here, but everyone's lives have gone on. It is one of the hardest things to deal with--our lives seem stagnant. We have stopped, and everyone kept going. Everyone has smiles on t heir faces, and they are getting ready for Christmas, and I'm putting flowers on our son's grave. It just doesn't seem right... I did accomplish something very difficult today though. I don't know if I posted it earlier or not, but one thing I used to look forward to doing each week was looking at the advertisements in the Sunday paper and seeing what Target or Kmart had on sale. Blake and I would scope out who had the cheapest diapers and the best coupons. We would usually go to those places on Sundays or Mondays to purchase something for Bentley that he would need. Well, I used to go on Monday's though normally to just look and go home and beg Blake to come check out all the cute new things that would come in. Today, I decided to go there myself. I walked into Target. I looked around at the clothes for myself and just browsed. I came to the baby section, and I just wanted to look. They had their Christmas stuff in. I went stand by stand looking at everything. I pictured Bentley, and I looked at everything, and I just wanted to have him there in my arms picking out his clothes. I stood there crying. People probably thought I was nuts. I got quite a good bit of stares, but I kept looking. I walked aisle by aisle just looking at everything. Some people may think "why in the world is she doing that to herself if it's so hard?" I walk down those aisles, and I shed those tears because it is something that I need to do. I need to look at baby stuff. I am still a mother. Will I need to buy those things for Bentley? The answer to that is no, but I need to go and look and for a moment maybe know what it feels like. It is something that I used to look forward to, and I used to tell Blake that pretty soon Bentley would be coming shopping with me. And, he would always give me a hard time, and tell me that I wasn't going to turn Bentley into shopping. I would always tell Blake that Bentley was going to be a momma's boy. But, the accomplishment was is that I made it into Target and I survived it by myself. It may not seem big to some, but I can tell you that it was a big accomplishment. A song that I heard today that is so true. It is by Josh Wilson called Fall Apart Why in the world did I think I could Only get to know you when my life was good When everything just falls in place The easiest thing is to give You praise Now it all seems upside down ‘Cause my whole world is caving in But I feel You now more than I did then How can I come to the end of me And somehow still have all I need God, I want to know You more Maybe this is how it starts I find You when I fall apart Blessed are the ones who understand We’ve got nothing to bring but empty hands Nothing to hide and nothing to prove Our heartbreak brings us back to You And it all seems upside down Courtesy of lyricshall.com ‘Cause my whole world is caving in But I feel You now more than I did then How can I come to the end of me And somehow still have all I need God, I want to know You more Maybe this is how it starts I find You when I fall apart I don’t know how long this will last I’m praying for the pain to pass But maybe this is the best thing that Has ever happened to me My whole world is caving in But I feel You now more than I did then How can I come to the end of me And somehow still have all I need God, I want to know You more Maybe this is how it starts I find You when You will find me when I fall apart Bentley...mom and dad lov Last night was a pretty rough night. I slept for approximately an hour tops. I don't like taking sleeping medication every night to sleep simply because I don't find that to be completely healthy to depend on medicine to sleep, but it sure does help. The nights that I don't take anything, Blake and I find ourselves up all night. The nights that I don't take it here is how it goes: 1) I simply can't fall asleep and 2) When I fall asleep the nightmare begins again starting with 10-17-11. and 3) I have nightmares of everything else I have thoughts of what my first day back to work is going to be like, I have fears of seeing people in public, or I just simply have bad dreams. I wish they would stop. So, typically I'll wake back up, and sit up for alittle bit, only for the entire process to start all over again. Please take these away God. I feel like its horrible enough that we have to go through this but I wish we didn't have to continue to replay everything night after night, day after day. I'm hoping for the day that it all just starts to become easier.
I don't think this blog is going to be very long or anything..I haven't felt like much talking today. I have my moments where I just want to talk about it over and over again, then I have my moments where I just want to sit and think about what Bentley is doing and how excited I am to see him again. Then, I have my moments where I just want someone to talk about anything--anything at all without having this awkwardness. I feel like it is so hard to have conversations with people now because no one knows what to say. They don't know if they should say something or say nothing. And, I will be honest, most times I don't know what they should say either. Church was pretty good this morning. Pastor Dave was discussing how God has ultimate control of everything that happens. He is going through Revelations right now, and we were just discussing the beginning of the chaos that will take place, and it is just amazing that utlmately in the mist of everything God still always has control. Lately, we have been living our lives knowing that somehow someway God has a plan for this whole ordeal. We have NO CLUE why, and I don't think we ever will, but I cling to hope that God is in control. I have to cling to it because there isn't much else to cling to. I have always been someone who likes to have control of situations, and I have a feeling that God is teaching me something big about control. I have learned that life is precious. We aren't guarented our next breathe. EVER. I have always known that bad things happen, and sometimes we don't know why, but this has hit home completely. I now understand the importance of life and how fragile and how blessed we are to even be standing. The hardest part of today thought was church. It shouldn't be hard to go to church, but everywhere I looked there was another pregnant smiling person. I don't want to take away that happiness they have, but it is so hard to smile and be genuinely happen for someone while Bentley should turning 1 month old this week. It is so hard to sit back and watch pregnant mothers touch their stomachs to feel their baby kick, while I long to feel that again. I don't want to be negative or upset or hostile, but it sucks. There really isn't other word for it. I know that God will bless us again. I strongly believe that. And, I am placing everything in His hands, not in my control. But, it simply is hard to smile and be happy when we have experienced such a bittersweet moment. It is difficult to think that just 4 weeks ago everything was perfect, then our world came crashing down. But, we have made it so far...and I know with the strength of God that Blake and I will continue to move forward. The next big thing is walking into Bentley's room. I really feel ready, but I am nervous. I'll be honest. I just want to hold his things. I want to go in there and remember everything. I want to think about all the preparations that Blake and I did for Bentley....I'll let everyone know how it goes when we decide to go in...I am thinking it will be sooner than later.. Bentley, mom and dad love you so much. I placed your stocking up today. I know it's early, but I wanted to go ahead and look at it. I plan to write you letters of all the things that I was looking forward to doing this holiday season--even though you wouldn't have remembered it! Today was kinda of difficult. It started by waking up and getting right back into bed until about noon. Some days we just don't want to get out of bed, and if we do sometime we end up right back in bed minutes or hours later. After we woke up, Blake ate some lunch, and we got ready to go pick up my glasses because they came in already. I just ordered them yesterday--pretty quick return. Well, we did accomplish a difficult task prior to picking up my glasses from Alleghany Optical.
I needed to drop off some cookie dough that my aunt order to her--well, she works at the hospital. Blake and I were going to wait in the car and have her come to the sidewalk so that we didn't have to walk inside, but we changed our minds. We decided to walk into the hospital. I am glad we decided to do that. I discovered that my badge works at the OR entrance on the side of the hospital where physicians park, so it is going to be my new way to enter the hospital. If I enter that door, then I do not need to go through those revolving doors that reminds me of 10-17 entrance to the hospital, and the exit is the way that I left the hospital the day I got discharged. So, anyways, back to our adventure today. Blake and I walked into the hospital, and we were there for approximately 30-40 minutes. It was a HUGE accomplishment. I also got to see the doctor who did my epidural. She walked by us, and my aunt said "well you remember, stephanie", and I didn't recognize her at first. I was thinking, "Um, who is this doctor? I don't know her" Then, I realized, she smiled at me and it all came back. It is so odd because she smiled, and it was like the hall way morphed into a different place. The hallway instantly became our hospital room; I felt like it was happening all over again. We thanked her for such good work that she did with the epidural since I had no problems. My back hasn't hurt once, and there was no bruise or anything. She told me that she was proud of us for making it back into the hospital. It felt good to hear her say she was proud of us. It felt good to know she remembered me, and I wasn't just some other patient who she stuck a huge needle in their back. My heart hurt...I felt like I had a huge lump in my chest. while we stood in the hospital...but we accomplished it. We chatted with my aunt for a little bit more, and we ventured to the mall to pick up my glasses. This is where the day turned to be difficult. We talked to my mom and dad for few at the mall after my mom got off work, then Blake and I were leaving. As we walked down the hall to the car, we saw this little boy. A little boy who looked about three. He was this red headed kid. I got really quite, and Blake knew something was wrong. I placed my sunglasses on my face, and I tried to hide my tears. I stared at the sky, and I just wanted an answer. I wanted to know why? Why did this happen? I knew there was no answer to why this happened. I knew that I couldn't question God, but seriously WHY...I don't want to watch ANYONE go through this. My heart was hurting so bad--it still does. But, I just wanted to scream...I cried for probably about 4 hours. I don't want to question-I simply just don't want it to happen ever. I know that is a naive response, but I'm honest. I sat and thought about all the Christmas decor at the mall--even the fact that Santa and Mrs. Claus are now at the mall....I wondered if that little boy was headed to see Santa, and I thought for a moment that I could hear Bentley at the age begging me to go see Santa. It is these moments that I see children really of any ages that I start to imagine Bentley at that particular age. I just wish I could hold him....this evening my heart is feeling really heavy. It is aching. My brain hurts, and my body just feels exhausted. We miss him so much... Blake and I are watching UNC game; it is pretty cool it is being played on the USS Carl Vinson. The sunset was beautiful, and I just think about Bentley. One reason I think about Bentley is because Blake and I wishes that he was here to watch this game with him. I know Blake was really looking forward to watching Carolina games with him. I can tell you that Bentley is getting to watch these UNC games with Pop Pop Gordon just like Blake did when he was in kid; except, they get to watch them in Heaven. They have the best seat in the house! Then, the second reason it made me think of Bentley was because every time we see a pretty sky line or beautiful sunset or simply amazing sky, Blake and I say that Bentley is finger painting (ha, and of course, he got his talent from his mom--NOT) :) We saw that every time we see pretty colors in the sky that Bentley is helping Jesus make the sky beautiful...it brings tears to my eyes. I just wish I could have a moment with him. But, I know the second I had a moment--I would want a lifetime--I already do. But, I will end with this; Blake and I made some big accomplishments today by going to the hospital, but it was such a difficult day. I am today needing strength. Blake and I are going to be going into Bentley's room sometime soon. I kind of am ready to go this weekend simply because I want to see him stuff. I want to hold his clothes that he was in. I want to sit in there and write to him and cry and just for a moment maybe relive the times I spent hours of organizing and reorganizing his things. I am flooded with memories everytime we pass someone's house we purchased things for Bentley at a yard sale. My mind is overwhelmed of memories everytime we pass Target or K mart or enter Walmart. Every thing reminds me of Bentley...Bentley was my life. He was my focus, and he was involved in every detail of my life. My entire pregnancy I was devoted to be better for Bentley and to provide for Bentley. Blake and I changed so much when we became parents. And, I can tell you that we will continue. We will continue to make Bentley a focus. I am still his mother, and Blake is still his father. We ARE parents, and we still have an obligation to Bentley. We will make him proud. We will forever love him and he will forever have our hearts. We l There really isn't a word that describes the pain that Blake and I are feeling. It is too much to explain. People used to often tell me this when I would ask about childbirth--"You'll know it when you feel it!"! I used to get so mad because I HATED the fact that I didn't know what it would feel like, and everyone told me that there was no way to describe it. I can tell you that yes childbirth was painful. It was hard work, but I can tell you that I think the real pain of my childbirth was because I knew that Bentley was going to come out not alive. My pain was more emotional pain. Many people have been fascinated by my recovery. I was up walking that day, and I really haven't been in physical pain since giving birth to Bentley. But, I can tell you that our pain exceeds far beyond childbirth. So, I now understand what people mean when they say "you'll know it when you feel it!", but in our context, I don't mean childbirth. I am talking about the fact of losing a child.
Losing Bentley is the WORST thing that I have ever happened, and I will ever have happen to me. I can guarantee that. I used to complain about stupid stuff. I would say my day's were awful sometimes, and I would get all upset over ridiculous stuff--just like many people do. I would get frustrated when things would not go my way, or I would just feel defeated before even trying sometimes. I would say "I'm in pain" or "I'm so upset". Blah! Blah! Blah! I can assure you that I have NEVER felt pain like this before in my life even on what I imaged to be my ultimate worst day of my life. I laugh because I went to the eye doctor today, and the secretary says "Man, I know exactly how you feel" after I told her I was just having a rough day. I laugh because she has no clue. Of course, I have no idea what she has gone through in her life, but it makes me rethink a lot of statements that I know I used to use to people. We really have no idea what others are going through. Now, that I have had this tragic event happen to me I realize as I do Blake does that most things aren't so awful now. I would take a bad day where nothing went my way over the death of my son any day. I would rather have a bad hair day or wake up late for work. I would rather walk over pins and needles and feel that pain versus having Bentley in my arms. I am not even kidding. This pain we experience doesn't have a bandaid fix. There is no medicine for it. No pills our doctors prescribe will fix it. No hug or "I'm sorry" will take it away. I can never get over it. I will never get over it. I can tell you that we will get through it. We will learn to live with it. It is very difficult to even explain our new "normal" to people. Our new normal is viewing the world completely different. It is living with the pain of never seeing our Bentley grow up. It is watching others have children who should never be parents. It is waking up and putting two feet on the ground and taking a deep breathe and taking a deep sigh because you accomplished a simple task. I look in the mirror and I smile, and I see a broken heart. I see a distant eye wandering into space. I can tell you my heart literally feels heavier. There really is no way to understand how someone can understand until they lose a child. And this brings me to the next thing...there is NO WAY to compare situations. Every situation is completely different. It is hard for me to hear "I understand" from people who have lost their children at older ages. I don't wish death on a child for any parent to experience, but I can tell you I would have loved to have any moment of time. I know I am blessed for my 38 weeks because some get 5, others get 15, and a few live with fate that their child will not live once they are birthed. I am thankful for the time I did have..My next point that just is so mind boggling is that NO ONE on earth understands my pain fully...other families or individuals have gone through it, and I can't understand their pain fully either. Everyone's situation is different, but there is one person who understands. God. He understands what it feels to lose a child. It gives me so much hope because the one person who IS carrying Blake and I through this horrible experience completely understands. God knows exactly what it is like to lose his Son. He feels my pain. And, I know he will guide us through our pain. I know that I will never get over it, but I will learn to live with it. But, I know God sent His Son to us so that we can learn to love and deal with these horrible tragedies that happen on earth. The thing that boggles my mind the most is He ALLOWED his Son to die on the cross for us. He gave up his Son for US. It caused him pain too...I just know that there will be a light..there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. I believe that God will help us through. I know that I never have won the most spiritual award or I have not always been the person who reads the Bible enough or spends as much time in prayer, but I can tell you that I know I am working in the right direction. I can tell you that this experience has made me view life spiritually from a different perspective too. I will continue to grow ...and I plan to challenge myself more. I am giving everything to God--our lives are in His hands. I so want to be a physical mom. I know that I am a mom, and Blake knows he is a dad, but we do want to be physical parents too (besides our fish and dog lol), so we decided that we are giving it to God. I pray he blesses us with another child, and I believe he will. But, I am trusting him. I am simply giving it to God. This is a struggle for me. I was telling Deanna earlier...I am a preparer, a planner, a controller. I like to KNOW what is going to happen, and I like to control it. I am learning that life is uncontrollable. it is out of our hands, and it is in God's. He has the power to give and take away life. The best thing that I can do is live my life the best that I can and bring honor to him, and know that he will bless our faithfulness. I believe that. I believe that more than ever. So, I ask people who read my blog or who know me or just simply have been praying for us--I ask you to continue to pray. Continue to pray not only to get through this, but please continue to pray that we allow us to have complete trust to continue to place everything in God's hand. We pray that we have strength to face this head on with the assistance of Jesus Christ. I ask people to pray and ask God to bless our faithfulness. Thank you to everyone who already has been praying. Thank you the love and support from everyone around us. It has carried us through so far, and I know it will continue..Bentley will never be forgotten. I love you Bentley, and I am looking forward to meeting you in Heaven. Hmm, normal? What is normal? This question has been quite a topic to Blake and I, our families, and even our close friends. Is there such a thing anymore? It is really hard to sit down and think that our lives are normal because they are FAR from normal. I can tell you that we all view life so much differently now. I never thought that I would be visiting our son's graves and filling it with all kinds of new items; rather, I thought we would be filling his room with new toys and trinkets. I never thought that we would be planning a memorial service to celebrate Christmas with Bentley; rather, we had planned to open gifts on Christmas morning as a family. I never thought the events that have unfolded would be the way it is. But, then again, I have looked at other aspects of our lives...
I have seen good things so far come from this horrific tragedy. Who would have thought? I can tell you that I have NEVER been this close to my parents and my sister. It is awful that tragedy needs to bring people closer, but I can tell you that it is...Also, I have seen individuals in Blake's family come closer too..I know that is has brought Blake & I have become so much closer. My strength has gotten better. My prayer life has become better. I have a better belief in my faith in God. And, I feel like I see life in a better perspective in general. I WISH THAT WE HAD OUR SON....I would take this all back at any moment if I could...but I know I can't. I know that I read a book called "Heaven is for real", and I can tell you that this book gave me such a peace. It is a heartbreaking story that many times brought tears to my ears, but this little boy's story gave me a peace that I know Bentley is safe in Jesus's arms, and I know that he is there with other children, and I know he is with our family. I know that I should already believe all of this...and I did believe it, but it gave me a visual. It gave me a picture of Bentley. I may have only seen Bentley for a short period of a time, and I know that I have no idea what he would look like in a year, 5 years, 20 years...but I have had flashes of what I envision him to be. After reading this book, I can picture Bentley in Heaven, and I can not tell you how happy that makes me feel and how much of a peace it gives me. We went to Bentley's grave today...We put his fence up. It looks great. It is very bittersweet. I am happy that we can make his grave look nice because he deserves it, but it sucks because I wish I didn't have to do it. I wish that I was holding our son. I wish I was kissing him on the forehead. I wish I was talking to him. Yes, I talk to him everyday but I don't get to see him....But...one day! That is my hope...that is my strength. another positive....I am continuing to strive to achieve a better life for myself for Bentley. Alright....well, I am going to end on this....Blake and I love our son so much. And, I know the pain won't ever go away, but I am simply looking forward to the day that I get to meet him at Heaven's gates. Bentley, you have forever changed many lives, and you started right here with Blake and I. And, I only hope that many lives can be changed for here. You had my hands, you had Blake's feet. Now, let us be your hands and feet to everyone in the world we meet. We love you always! Below is a picture of Bentley's grave after we updated it today, and the second is a picture of Blake and I. It makes me smile that Blake and I At this time 3 weeks ago, I sat in a hospital bed telling Bentley how much Blake and I loved him. I sat staring at our son with tears in my eyes. He was beautiful. He was the most precious baby boy ever. He was 6lbs 19 inches. I know I talked about him a lot, but I want people to know. I want people to realize how important he really is. I will NEVER get tired of talking about Bentley. Bentley has changed so much of our lives...
Blake and I went to run a few errands today, and I was really excited I found the decorative fence piece that I wanted for his grave. We bought a Christmas ornament to get personalized for him, and we picked out a few others things to decorate his grave. We also began to plan our Christmas memorial service for our family to remember Bentley this holiday. Urgh, I miss him so much. We were at Walmart today, and I left Blake for a moment in the animal section while I slowly browsed over to the baby department. I had got a glimpse of baby boy Christmas outfits...tears slightly filled my eyes because it brought me back to our planning for our 1st family photo this holiday. I browsed through their selection, and Blake and I discussed how handsome Bentley would look in these outfits...just seems so unreal to talk about Bentley (our first born son) in the past tense. It just doesn't seem fair... Now, this part of the blog today may sound slightly negative, angry, hostile, upset, confused....I thought about my pregnancy. Here is alittle time frame, things I never realized while I was pregnant... Blake and I went to my 20 week appointment, and it is when we found out that we were having a baby boy, and we decided that day his name would be Bentley Charles Nalley. The doctor had advised us that he had seen some "bright spots" in his bowel which he called echogenic bowel. He said he wasn't worried about it, but of course, I went home to google and read everything about echogenic bowel. It simply meant there were indicators that sometimes would appear if a child had a chromosomal disorder. The doctors advised that they would like to recheck it in 8 weeks. So, at week 28 we followed up, and the Dr. informed us that he still saw some bright spots in the sonogram, but he wasn't worried about it. I believed him...He wasn't worried, then I wouldn't worry. Of course, I did do some research, but the doctor informed me that Bentley had no other abnormal signs to make him believe anything was wrong. But, should they have done more research and more sonograms throughout the rest of my pregnancy? Next thing, at my 28 week appointment they did my glucose test--which I failed...and I failed it badly. They sent me to diabetic counseling and I began to have to monitor my sugar levels one hour before and after eating. So, I began watching my diet and monitoring my sugars...NEVER had high sugar. I went to the appointments and the the diabetes doctor released me because she said it must have been a flook to why it showed up or something because I NEVER had a high blood sugar. It didn't make any sense....well, the doctors assured me that even though my sugars weren't high, they were going to treat me like a Gestinal Diabetes patient..typically in a diabetes patient they do more ultrasounds and monitors things better....did they do that? NOPE! They weren't even considered about it. Yes, I know that my sugars were fine, but should the doctors have done more to monitor it still? It doesn't make any sense. I now look back, and I think about these "little" signs that something just wasn't right. I also had fallen down some stairs, and they had discovered he had an irregular heart beat..but the doctors were never worried about it...they did one follow up with fetal doppler ekg, but when it came back normal..they ignored that there even could be an issue...should they have continued to keep an eye on it? I know that none of this things were what caused Bentley to die. I think about these things...it's so hard to comprehend because Bentley was so healthy the entire pregnancy and so was I. I am not by any means saying that this would have changed the outcome because I know God had his hand in this. God knew what was going to happen with Bentley's lives even before I conceived. He had plans for him---and His plans are greater than mine. I love Bentley to death, but Blake and I both had stated that God could use Bentley to his glory and to change lives. We often times would tell Bentley he was going to change the world. And, I believe he has and he will continue to change lives. I know it is hard to determine and many people I think sometimes put me on a pedal stool and say "Oh, you are so strong", "i'm so proud of you guys" ect. But, truth is...GOD is the one getting us through this. He is the reason I am writing right now. He is the reason Blake and I are even closer. He is the reason that I have a peace. He is the reason I wake up and go to sleep. Blake and I know that it doesn't make sense, and it probably never will, but we know that God won't give us anything we can't handle. I really feel that we can overcome anything together now. Yes, I am not naive to think that we won't have bad days ahead. I am not over this, nor will I ever be over this, but I believe it will get easier to deal with. We simply have a new normal life to live.. Speaking of which...this poem is a great poem to explain the "new normal" Blake and I will live... MY NEW “NORMAL” Author Unknown Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life. Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine’s Day, July 4th and Easter. Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind. Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart. Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby’s age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen. Normal is telling the story of your child’s death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone’s eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my “normal”. Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child’s memory and her birthday and survive these days. Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that my baby would have loved, but how she is not here to enjoy it. Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby. Normal is making sure that others remember him. Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever. Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better. Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn’t compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural. Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it. Normal is realizing I do cry everyday. Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child. Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives. Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. “God may have done this because…” I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother. Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby. Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years. I am just going to end with that...I hope many read our story. I hope many are able to depend on God alittle more. I can tell you that my faith was much weaker before all of this. God has just shown us so much in the last few weeks, and I can't thank Him for placing so many people in our lives that have helped us to stand on our feet. I want to make a difference. I often told people that I wanted to write a book or something. I always have loved to write, but there were many times that people would say " What would you write about Steph--you have no story to tell" Well, I can tell all those people who said that...I have a story to tell now. I have a journey that started 9 months ago...and I don't think the journey will ever end...so who knows maybe one day people will be reading a book about our story. I hope to be able to touch lives through Bentley's story. One day Blake and I would like to be support for another family or individual who this may happen to. I don't wish anyone to stand in our shoes, but it happens more than people think... Blake and I are placing our lives in God's hands...He will I haven't written in a couple of days....I am not really good about sitting and writing about this stuff everyday, but I am trying to force myself too. I'd rather just speak my mind the moment something makes me mad rather than write about it, I guess. But, hey, counselors, doctors, nurses, and all the "specialist" say I should spend time writing each day. So, I am trying.
We both had a rough night of sleep last night. It seemed last night was a really long night...every half hour or so I thought I was awake. Last night I wasn't have nightmares per say, but I kept having flashes of the life that we could have had with Bentley. I don't know which is more heart breaking...the fact of hearing the news and continuing to have nightmares about that or continuing to have dreams of the life we could have had together. Both are pretty intense and bad...I don't wish this upon ANYONE...not even my worst enemy or the most evilest person in the world deserves this. Blake went to work this morning. I was proud of him. I sat at home staring into space for quite sometime. He came home around lunch time, and we took a nap. It seems sleep in the afternoon is easier than sleep at night--not quite sure why. Pretty uneventful day though, it was nice that my grandparents came by to visit us this afternoon. But, the frustration of the day consisted of this... So, last week I got a bill in the mail from my doctor's office regarding my visits, but I had the state insurance for my pregnancy because I am still covered on my dad's insurance until I am 26...Well, my doctor's office told back in February when I discovered that I was pregnant that my dad's insurance would not cover my pregnancy so that I'd either have to be self-pay or I would need to apply for state insurance or whatnot. WRONG AGAIN....it just seems that every aspect of that office is now affecting my life that just upsets me...but anyways, I called the office today to find out why I had a bill simply because the state insurance should have covered everything. They inform me t hat I need to call my insurance company, explain my situation again, and then figure out which insurance should be billed....so I call my insurance company and I discover that they would have covered my pregnancy the entire time...and then I had to call the doctor's office back to explain what the insurance company said. Now, obviously I didn't go into great detail in this blog about the situation, but I just HATE that I had to re explain everything when if maybe the billing department at the office would have informed me, say 40 weeks ago that there was issue with the insurance then I wouldn't need to be telling our story to 500 different people. Then, I informed the lady that I didn't want the hospital contacting me within a week reasking these same questions regarding our bill with them. It all just a freaking mess. But, I am thankful that my dad's insurance is primary and the state is secondary which will leave us with nothing to pay.... I did speak with Hospice today though to begin setting up counseling for Blake and I. I am kinda anxious to begin and nervous at the same time. This is all just so odd to both of us because Blake and I both hate asking for help, and we hate just feeling these feelings because it isn't our personality...we are both go getters and overachievers and whatnot. We like things to be in control, and I can tell you that these emotions are just all over the place. It so up in the air--all different stuff triggers different things. One minute I am fine, the next I am mad, and the very next I am sad. I just wish Bentley was here with us. I just know that we love Bentley so much, and it just upsets me because I think about all the people who drop their babies in dumpsters, or the abortion clinic that bags babies up and disposes of them...why?! Why Blake and I? Why do those people get to have babies who don't love their children or abuse them or ignore them? I can tell you for a fact that Bentley would have grown up loving life with us...he may have thought we were a little crazy sometimes, but he would have loved our crazy adventures. :) I can tell you though, it is 3 weeks today since we found out the horrible news...and I know we are in people's prayers everywhere, but the phone calls are less. The texts are less. The notifcations are less. Everyone else lives go on, and I just feel like Blake and I are here trying to pick up the pieces to ours, like an explosion went off, and people begin helping put everything back together...then it just fades a way. I know Bentley will be remebered, and I can tell you it means the world to us that people speak about him by his name and they visit his grave and the individuals who just simply check in to see how we are doing...it still just feels so alone..like it is Blake and I against this all. I know the Bible answers like I mentioned before. I know God is here with us. And, by no means am I saying that God isn't assisting us through this, but I am discussing physical people. God is with us each day, and I know that because I wouldn't be sitting here typing otherwise. But, the simple thoughts are what means a lot to us these days. We may not be able to run out and stay busy all the time, but I can tell you we appreciate the thoughts.. Just an insight too....things that are everyday common task for people, I can assure you, I have felt them become more difficult. It is frustrating being in large crowds of people. It is exhausting walking around the stores or the mall. It is even difficult to make simple decisions..my brain just goes 500 different directions at one time that makes us feel so absent minded or confused or overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and exhausted are my two words that I use quite frequently. Some people believe I need to stay so busy that we never stop to think about how we feel and others feel that we should just lay in bed...neither really fixes anything--nothing fixes anything.. We are working to find a happy medium between the two....being too busy is exhausting, and not being busy enough is exhausting. Weird, huh? Our brains just never stop....well, I am going to end this on a positive note though...i am thankful for friends and family. I am thankful for our dog. And, I am so thankful for Blake. Blake and I have become so much closer than we already are, and I really feel that we can overcome anything in life now....he's my soul mate, and I couldn't ask for someone better. I just am so happy with him--so I know that I am blessed to have him as my husband, and we are blessed to have such great family and friends to support us. Bentley....you would have been 3 weeks old tomorrow....so unreal. Mommy and Daddy love you so much, and I hope that Heaven is treating you well. Haha. I know it is. It's been three years since Pop-Pop passed away today, so give him a great big hug for me. We all miss him so much. Daddy and Mommy wish that you were here now, and I don't think this hole in our heart's is ever going to go away, just know that you will never be forgotten. I haven't had the nerve to walk into your room yet, but we have been working on getting some memorial stuff together for you...I wish I could hold you in my arms...I know that you are safe though, and it does give me peace that I WILL see you again..Until we meet again...We love The last couple days been a complete roller coaster. There are moments where Blake and I are laughing, crying, angry, frustrated, hopeful, sad....ect. We are probably every emotion that you can imagine; sometimes we go from one emotion to the next within seconds. I'm not going to apologize either if I annoy someone or make someone angry or don't give them the attention that they need or feel they deserve. Blake and I are going through the worst experience of our lives, and I currently can't "be there" for other people or hear them complain or just pretend that I care about their problems. If truth be told, I flat out don't care right now. It may sound harsh, but almost three weeks ago we LOST our son to DEATH. We didn't have our son for a lifetime. I won't ever get to see him go to kindergarten, play in the school play, enter middle school, graduate high school, or get married. I don't get those events that most have. I didn't even get to hear him CRY!
People complain SO much about their kids--they complain that they talk to much, or cry too much, or play too much or care too much. Blah! Blah! Blah! At the end of the day, people, YOU HAVE YOUR KIDS. Take the moments that you have and make them count. I don't want to play the pity me card, but be thankful the times and moments that you DO have. Life is fragile, and we aren't guarented our next breathe. I now know and understand that statement. I have heard it oh so many times, and it always seemed to go into one ear and out the other, but it is true. And, the death of a child is literally the worst thing, I swear. I have felt the death of close friends and the death of grandparents, but I can tell you the tears I cry for my son --they don't compare. Yes, I miss my other loved ones, and I agree that no loss is a good loss...but I feel like I lost so much. I lost my first born son. For some strange reason...one of my favorite Bible character's has always been Job. Many probably think that's odd, but it is. I don't know why he's story has always stuck in my brain. I really feel like Job, and I am striving to overcome anything like Job did through God. I know God won't give me anything he thinks that I can't handle. It amazes me that Job lost everything, and he still praised God. I've never in my life felt more like Job than I do now.... Again, I don't want people by any means to sit and read my post or blogs and think "pity Blake and Stephanie". I want people to learn and care genuinely. I want people to realize the love that we had and will continue to have Bentley. I want Bentley to be able to change lives. I told him my entire pregnancy that he was going to be someone who changed lives...I know I said it before, but I never thought it would be this way. I will often express my anger or frustrations or hurt that I didn't have a lifetime with my son, but I AM THANKFUL FOR THE 38 weeks. It may not seem like nothing, but it is everything. I remember when I found out I was pregnant....I had missed my period, and I hadn't been feeling very well, so I decided that I would go to Walmart after dropping Blake off at work to get a test. Who do I run into while buying it? My dad...go figure. So...I try to sneak out of Walmart with my pregnancy test because I just didn't want to tell anyone until I knew for sure. I went home to take my test, and it came up with an extremely and I mean extremely light pink plus sign. Now, let me back track for a second...I had taken a test the night before too. It was one of those dollar store ones--people told me that they were the same! It is all lies because I had a dud; it didn't tell me positive or negative. It did nothing! Which brings me back to my results...the plus sign was very very very light pink. I took a picture, and I sent it to Blake while he was working. He sat in training all day just staring at it, and I sat at home all day just staring at it thinking "hm, it's so light--on TV they always made it seem like BAM you're pregnant"...so I called the doctor's office and I was like I think I may be pregnant....the girl explains that any positive regardless if it is light pink or dark pink means it is a positive...They decided to bring me the following week to determine everything. Immediately Blake and I changed our life style. I gave up drinking. I decided to eat healthy. I really began changing my life 100%. We were planning our wedding already, so I kicked everything into high gear. I had planned everything....I believe by 10 weeks I had Bentley's crib, and we had started filling the room with furniture. I remember we started yard saling within weeks after finding out I was pregnant. Bentley had more clothes than Blake and I combined. And, he didn't just have clothes for 0-3 or 3-6. We had purchased clothes all the way until he was like 3T or 4T. Many people told me how "over prepared" that I was. I never saw it that way at all. I viewed as being ready for my son. I didn't care what people thought; Blake and I continued to purchase things and make plans. I would read reviews of toys and products before we purchased it. I made list and list, and I read books and books. I researched what we would need, and I signed us up for every class. I was ready for Bentley...I wanted Bentley...I loved Bentley from the moment that we found out. Now, I know that many dad's are excited when they find out they are becoming a dad, but I can honestly say that I have never met someone more excited than Blake. Blake was amazing from day one. He put up with my over preparedness for Bentley, and don't let him fool you...he joined in too! We were both always having Bentley come first. Blake would get up and go yard saling with me. And, honestly, Blake picked out most of Bentley's clothes. Blake would go to every appointment with me--he only missed like two, and it was because his work schedule just couldn't make it work. He was ALWAYS there for me when I was pregnant. Blake was by far more involved than the average father. He became a father when I became pregnant. There's a saying about something where a mother becomes a mother when she finds out she is pregnant and father becomes a father when he sees his child. In our case, we proved that statement wrong. Blake was a father the moment we discovered we were pregnant. I can't thank him enough for everything that he did for us. He is the BEST father...I love him so much! And, I know I started this blog talking about how mad that I am about how people take things for granted with their kids..I will end this blog discussing my blessings from my 38 weeks that I had with Bentley. I'm thankful for the moments that I got to spend with him laying in bed. Blake and I would talk to him every night before bed, I'd normally be apologizing saying "man Bentley..you are going to think your parents are crazy" Blake would tell Bentley that he loved me, and he would look at my stomach and kiss it and tell bentley that he loved him too. It was our nightly routine. I am thankful for the moments that I got to watch Blake read my stomach bed time stories....we'd pick books off the shelf that we purchased at yard sales to read to Bentley. I know Bentley loved it because he would kick me. i loved the moment that Blake first felt Bentley kick. The look on his face was just priceless. He looked at me with his eyes big with excitement. I am thankful for the times I heard his precious heart beating.... Well...this is enough for now...I just wanted to write a little bit. It really helps to write about it. I went to his grave today, and we put new flowers there. I created a silk flower arrangement for him, and I repositioned all his other flowers and pumpkin. It was emotional because every time I go--it hits me all over ago...one day I hope the nightmare stops...it continues to replay constantly...I am trying though to work through it now because I have to deal with these emotions so they don't build up. I decided to help coach a volleyball team this year so I can take some time to make a difference. I know Bentley is going to be my strength. I changed the moment I found out I was pregnant, and I am still Bentley's mom, so I will continue what I started.... I love you Bentley. I always will. Your daddy and I both love you oh so much....you had my hands, and you had dad's feet. We are going to be those hands and feet. We decided that we want to do what we can to make difference. I appreciate all the love and support that I have gotten from everyone though. So anyone who reads this...thank you! Words can't describe how thankful that we are! |
AuthorWe are going through a very difficult journey-My husband (Blake) and I (Steph) lost our baby boy at 38 weeks. His name is Bentley Charles Nalley. This is a blog to help sort out our grief and express how we feel. Archives
June 2015
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