It has been quite sometime since I have last posted anything. I know I always say that I will write but yet I never do. I never seem to find the moment or the time. And, if I have the time...I find myself wandering "is what I am saying even worth hearing?" or "do people really care?" I have to come to the conclusion that I have with our life made people feel very uncomfortable with the reality of my life. I understand it isn't easy to hear me go on and on about Bentley. Most don't know what to say. Some just don't care. And others fear that if we talk about it then maybe it will happen to them.
For the last 3 months I have been on anti depression drugs...something I never in a million years wanted to take. But. Here. I. Am.
I have decided that I want to elimate some things...fb being one of those. Many may not understand why. But maybe it is just my own struggles. Maybe I haven't dealt with some emotions. Maybe I just don't know how. Maybe society doesnt allow us to deal with the emotions. I'm not really sure. That is how I feel about a lot of things in life.
Today...has been a bad day. But maybe a much needed day. I sat on the bathroom floor in our hall bath and I sobbed for hours. I miss Bentley. That's the ultimate reason. I snap because I miss Bentley. I've been sick for what has seemed like eternity.. 3 weeks actually. Plus chase having RSv...Blake having a touch of it. It just hit me. I'm exhausted. I can't fight this sickness because my body is worn down. My body is done fighting because it can't fight anymore. Functioning is hard. Some days I feel like square one. Then other days I feel like it didn't happen.
It all scares me. I have nightmares every night. I see images and I'm paranoid all the time. I search for something to fill but nothing fills....my heart hurts. Our hearts hurt. I just miss him so much.
I can't log in and see happiness ...seeing everyone's happiness doesn't or hasn't rubbed off. I am happy with chase. He wakes me up everyday. But, I am always reminded that this isn't how our lives were supposed to be...there is always something missing....
For the last 3 months I have been on anti depression drugs...something I never in a million years wanted to take. But. Here. I. Am.
I have decided that I want to elimate some things...fb being one of those. Many may not understand why. But maybe it is just my own struggles. Maybe I haven't dealt with some emotions. Maybe I just don't know how. Maybe society doesnt allow us to deal with the emotions. I'm not really sure. That is how I feel about a lot of things in life.
Today...has been a bad day. But maybe a much needed day. I sat on the bathroom floor in our hall bath and I sobbed for hours. I miss Bentley. That's the ultimate reason. I snap because I miss Bentley. I've been sick for what has seemed like eternity.. 3 weeks actually. Plus chase having RSv...Blake having a touch of it. It just hit me. I'm exhausted. I can't fight this sickness because my body is worn down. My body is done fighting because it can't fight anymore. Functioning is hard. Some days I feel like square one. Then other days I feel like it didn't happen.
It all scares me. I have nightmares every night. I see images and I'm paranoid all the time. I search for something to fill but nothing fills....my heart hurts. Our hearts hurt. I just miss him so much.
I can't log in and see happiness ...seeing everyone's happiness doesn't or hasn't rubbed off. I am happy with chase. He wakes me up everyday. But, I am always reminded that this isn't how our lives were supposed to be...there is always something missing....