Many people I know have suffered a HUGE loss, and I've learned about post partum depression. I expected to him after October 17, 2011. I expected to be a total wreck.I learned the symtoms in the five hundred books that I read while pregnant with Bentley. I told myself many times that I never saw myself having post partum depression. I often would think about it then, and I think about especially now. I understand that sometimes pregnancy isn't wanted or it isn't necessarily planned. I can understand that life can be difficult, and I get the fact that having a baby could be straining physically and emotionally. I know that it can make relationships more difficult, and it can have "baby blues"--why is baby blues?
All of these thoughts race through my brain--seriously, someone is depressed because they have a baby? I don't get it. I want a baby. I wanted Bentley. I still want Bentley. And, I will forever want Bentley. If I had Bentley right now in my arms, how could I be depressed? How could I cry because I have no sleep? I don't get it. Maybe it is because I don't have a baby to care for. Maybe, I am naive. Maybe I don't have the physical mothering outlook to understand these questions. Here is the part where I think I may offend people...I apologize if I offend someone. It is not my intention--simply my thoughts.
You have a relationship of some sort--whether committed or not. You have sex. Sex makes a baby. You are pregnant for 40 weeks. You endure labor. You take a baby home. You bring a life into the world. You get to hear them laugh and cry. You get to raise them and play with them. You get to see yourself in them. You get share a life with them. You bring a little life into the world that can change lives. And. You. Are. Depressed? What--let me back up...My question again, How can having a baby cause you to have depression? Life happens, yes, whether planned or unplanned. Everyone made a decision to have sex. Everyone made a decision that it was fun. Didn't think about the consequences? Didn't think about the late nights or the dirty diapers or the financial struggles? YOU BROUGHT LIFE INTO THE WORLD...isn't that worth being happy over?
Having a baby is supposed to be one of the happiest events of your life--why be depressed? I am NOT saying that life is easy. I am not saying that life will be perfect or stress free. And, I am certainly not expecting that life with a child would be something that is a walk in a park. I know that life with Bentley would have been challenging, but I know it would be rewarding. I know it is rewarding without having him here. I am still his MOM. Blake is still his DAD. Some may be upset with this note; some may call me igorant--point is...maybe I am. Maybe I am naive. Maybe I just want my son, Bentley. Maybe, I do resent people subconsciously. I don't know. But, I do this. I know that I wish people counted their blessings more. I wish people understood that life isn't a game. It isn't something we are promised. And it certainly isn't something you gamble.
Children are blessings. Children are gifts from God. Children are our tomorrows. Children is our future. And, children are what makes life. They bring tears--tears of happiness and tears of joy. They bring the heartache that leads to a future. They bring the troubles that overcome obstacles. I just don't get it...why be depressed when you have a life?
I want a life with Bentley so bad. I don't want pity. I don't want "I am sorry". I don't want "I feel so bad now". I simply want people to realize DO NOT TAKE FOR GRANTED WHAT YOU HAVE IN FRONT OF YOU. That baby looking into your eyes, that laugh you hear, those cries that wake you at night...they are blessings. Count them. Remember them. And, never take them for granted...