Well, we lit off a lantern for Bentley at Rest Haven. It got caught in the tree. I should have listened to Blake and walked a few feet forward. I thought for sure that we were going to burn down the tree. I was freaking out. The lantern just blew out. Thank God. I can see it now...Headline News: Young Couple Burns Down Tree Next To Son's Grave! Awful!!! I was like freaking out, "Should we call 911?" Ha, here stood, Blake & me, my mom and dad, jeff and sharon, my aunt dianne and uncle gary..oh my, and HALF of rest haven staring at us. The cars stopped and everything. There was no denying that it was us! lol Oh well...laugh of the day. I'm sure Bentley is laughing with all his friends
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Many people probably read the topic of this blog, and think "Oh, no, Steph has gone crazy?!" I'll explain. Let's start from the beginning...Blake & I went to Rest Haven around 3:30pm to go to the chapel and light a candle for those you lost this year. It was for families who are celebrating their 1st Christmas without their loved one. The chapel was full, and the lobby was full. So sad. Well, Blake and I walked into the auditorium to light our candle, and the lady says to us, "Are you lighting the candle for your son, Bentley?" Wow, she remembered his name! It brought tears to my eyes instantly...she remembered Bentley. She remembered his name. I long for people to remember Bentley's name. I get sad that he will never get to open his Christmas cards, or birthday cards, or a just because I love you card. I am sad that I won't get "normal" holidays with him. Blake & I now have a new tradition. A tradition where we join tons of other people who live for moments of redecorating your loved ones graves or just simply seeing a candle lite. That is our "new normal". We go to graves. We look forward to that. We love visiting Bentley. Weird huh? Not weird that we miss Bentley and love seeing his grave, but weird that I am 24 years old, visiting my son's grave. How does that work? I'm supposed to be the one Bentley visits at the grave before himself. It just doesn't make sense.
We were at Bentley's grave, and we got to meet the little boy's parent's directly behind Bentley. His name is Perry. Then, the family showed up diagonal from Bentley. *It was their grave that they placed Bentley's headstone* Urgh...I still get mad about that. But, they fixed it. I just felt bad for another family to have to see that. Their little babies name is Nathan. I know that Perry and Nathan are showing Bentley the ropes of Heaven. Anyways, it was nice being able to meet the other families. It sounds crazy; I wish we got to meet them from some other way, but it isn't the case. It is because of Nathan, Perry, Ella, Gabriel, Bentley, and all the little one's that have been lost. I have met some great people. We share a bond. A bond that I wish we didn't have to, but we all feel each other's pain. We get what we are going through, and I know, and I believe that our babies are in heaven, and I know that they are watching over us. They are waiting for us. I can't wait until the day that I get to hold Bentley's hand again. I loved holding his precious hand in the hospital. I loved holding him in my arms. I loved watching Blake hold him. Oh, how I miss him! I can't wait to see him again. Well, Blake and I have gotten a new passion through all this. I want to give all of our babies a voice. I want people to know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss month. I want people to know that October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. I want people to realize that yes sad things like this do happen. I was one who thought--it would never be me. But, it was me, and it is me. I am experiencing one of the worst things ever. So , I want people who have children--hold them tight. Love them. Be thankful for them. They are blessings. And, I want people who have lost their babies--they won't be forgotten. They are loved. And, if you know Jesus as your Savior--you will see them again! I'm so thankful for that peace. I am thankful that I don't have to wonder where Bentley is. I'd be lost if I had no clue where he is. I am thankful for Jesus. He has given me hope. And, I will continue to praise Him in this storm. I will continue to ask God for strength everyday. Blake & I have continued to grow closer together, and we have been getting up everyday. Yes, there are rough days; there are rough moments, but God is prevailing in our lives. And, he will continue... Bentley, I have and will Night three of no sleep. I'm trying hard to not have to take something to sleep, but I think I may have to cave because I can't go another night with no sleep. We had the Labor of Love Memorial for those who have lost their babies last night. I loved it. I was nervous all day because I didn't know what to expect, and we had written a letter that I knew I wanted to read , but I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to read it. I wanted so bad to read it for Bentley. I wanted to be strong for him. I am trying so hard to be strong for him. I know he would want his Mom and Dad to be strong. I believe that. Well, it was very touching, and we got to meet a lot of families. It gives me hope. I looked around, and it makes me so sad that we are all united for the reason that we all lost our babies. It hurts that I have to meet new friends this way. Why can't we all just have our children? Why do I have to find people in support groups or attend counseling? Why do I have to do all of these things without Bentley? It is just simply unfair. I know I am still trusting God. I am clinging to the hope for a future. I am clinging to Blake, and we are walking forward still taking it a day at a time, but the why sneaks into my brain at least once a day.
I think the question of "why" is still going to be normal, even though I am trusting God. I know that I will still question why it happened--it's human nature. I left the house for alittle bit today, so I could just get out. I just needed to feel like I could breathe. I was sitting here to replaying every event from the last 9 months in my brain. What could we have seen? What could we have done? How could we have saved him? Then, I stopped, and I said "God, please...please help me through this?" I know He is there. I can feel it. So, I went to food court, and I ate lunch with my grandparents at the mall. I just needed a break from the silence. It was nice, and it helped. Sometimes just a simple car ride gives me the perfect silence. I listen to Word FM, and just drive to wherever I am headed, and it gives me a peace. My lonely car rides are when I talk to Bentley, just like before. (only this time, I don't have him in my belly :( ) Anyways, I walked in the door. 1) I was excited because our netflix finally came! 2) My medical records were here. The second thing was a little more exciting though, and I don't know why. I got my medical records, and I torn the folder open. I scanned the entire packet. Nothing. Nothing abnormal. Nothing. Everything "remarkably well". Growth normal. Normal. Normal. Normal. WHY!?!?!?! You'd think reading the words normal everywhere would make me happy. And, it is comforting--it gives me a peace of mind for the future. But, it isn't settling with Bentley. Why did it have to be Bentley? He was normal. No heartbeat, what? Seriously...I just doesn't make sense. It makes it all the more that I have to lay at Jesus' feet. It makes it even more difficult because what is normal? My life is far from normal now. I don't really know what to think. That word "normal" scares me. It intimidates me, and it makes me uncomfortable. Normal isn't associated with good...it only places fear. I'm missing Bentley...I just want him to be here in my arms. I want to hold him, and I want to tell him that I love him. I remember all the promises that I made to him...the promises that will never come t December 7, 2011
Bentley Charles Nalley, It has taken Mom and Dad several days to write this letter. It was only 8 weeks ago that I left my doctor’s appointment thinking labor was going to start, and I would be taking you home with me. I had left my 37 week appointment anxiously awaiting your arrival, only to return a week later to discover that your heart wasn’t beating at our 38 week appointment. It was 8 weeks go that I was planning our 1st Halloween, 1st Thanksgiving, and 1st Christmas as a family. I never imagined that one week later Mom and Dad would be planning your funeral. We’ve got a lifetime of words that we wanted to share with you which makes this letter all the more difficult to write. We shouldn’t be sitting here writing a letter to you; We should be holding you preparing for our 1st family Christmas. This is now our 3rd holiday without you, Bentley. I can tell you that Christmas has been the hardest. Mom and Dad had already been Christmas shopping for you while preparing for your arrival. There is a box of toys that we already purchased just waiting for you in your nursery. It is beyond the gifts though that makes Christmas so difficult. Our hearts cringe every time we walk into the shopping stores. Mom and Dad wish that when we walked into the mall that we were headed to get your Christmas pictures, pick a Christmas outfit, or get your pictures taken with Santa. We shop for Christmas ornaments for your tree, and we purchased your stocking to hang on the mantel. Mom and Dad decorated your grave with all types of Christmas decorations. You deserve the best, Bentley. Christmas just isn’t the same without you. Our lives will never be the same again without you. Our desire to have you here goes far beyond the holiday seasons though. We long for the things that many parents take for granted. We long for late nights with no sleep, the teething moments, the dirty diapers, and the trouble two’s, and the list goes on. Bentley, we wish you were here so that we could hold you tight. You are on our minds every second of every day; I can tell you there isn’t a moment that goes by that mom and dad are not thinking about you. You have changed our lives Bentley. We are blessed to have had you for 38 wonderful weeks. I praise God every day for you. I am thankful that he gave me you for those 38 weeks. I am thankful for the morning sickness, the little kicks, your beating heart, the moment we discovered you were a boy, and every time your kicked your daddy’s hand. God gave you to us, Bentley. I will never take that for granted. Those moments and the memories that I had preparing for you will never be taken away from your dad and I. We will continue to be your mom and dad. We will continue to include you in our everyday life. We may not have you to hold in our arms, but we are thankful for every moment that I had you in my belly. You brought more joy in our lives in 38 weeks than we have experienced in 24 years of our lives. Mom and Dad loves you Bentley. We always will. I hope you continue to change lives. And, I hope you have a great 1st Christmas in Heaven. We love you always and forever. Your Mom and Dad Hello Everyone! Christmas is quickly approaching. I am asking everyone to take this Christmas and "pay it forward". There is so many people without--without food, without toys, without a roof over their head. It may be something simple; it may something extravagant. Blake and I have decided to help a family out in need this Christmas by purchasing some things for a family in need, and we are doing this in honor and memory of Bentley Charles Nalley. I am asking everyone to join us. We are seeking to change lives. This holiday season, pay it forward, while doing something good for someone else. We are asking those around to honor Bentley's memory with us. Donate something in honor of Bentley, spread some cheer this holiday season in honor of Bentley, or give a helping hand to someone in need in honor of Bentley. Send us your story of something you do in memory of Bentley this holiday season. If our story has touched your life, lets change the world...one simple act of kindness at a time. :) We love you all for supporting us through the loss of Bentley. We will continue to miss him every day, and we hope that his story will change many lives.! I'm sitting here watching ESPN. It is what I do. Blake leaves for work. I watch ESPN. ALL day. Weird, huh? I hate to change the channel. I hate seeing scrolling through channels for fear or a reminder of what I may see. It may sound stupid, but it's true. I used to sit and watch Baby Story or I didn't know I was pregnant or just about anything on TV when Blake would leave for work. Now, I watch ESPN. I watch ESPN because there isn't any disappointment. (Only when a team I like loses) There isn't any life or death situations. It is simply people playing sports they love. I can handle that. It has no relation to what I feel and it certainly doesn't place emotions within me. It is a safe. I will continue to watch ESPN...it is better than silence.
Yesterday, I did something difficult...I wrote a letter to the doctor that gave me the information that Bentley's heart wasn't beating. I wrote a letter not to be negative.Not to be angry. Not to portray anything bad at all. I simply wrote a letter because I needed it through my healing process. I need to be able to face him again. I need to be able to sit in that doctor's office and not feel uncomfortable. I need to be able to not fear him. Blake and I plan to continue to use the same practice, and I need to be able to know that I can sit in the office with him again. I know that it is going to be difficult, and I don't think a letter is going to make it all better. The letter is a symbol of me letting go of my anger towards him. I'd love to sit and say that I was never angry with him. I can tell you that I never blamed him because I knew it wasn't him fault, but I did have anger towards that day. I still don't 100% agree with the patient care I received that day, but I can assure you that I am letting it go. I am laying it at His feet. I know that Bentley would not want me to hate him. I know that he was and is apart of Bentley's life. Every doctor, nurse, midwife, secretary, ultrasound tech are all apart of Bentley's life; therefore, I need to acknowledge that. And, I know that they care. I forgive that office for mistakes made that day--whether they felt they did anything wrong or not. I am forgiving them for myself. I am acknowledging that I need to move forward. I know that God can help me through this. Tomorrow is the Memorial Service that Labor of Love supports to light candles and simply have a memorial for parents who have lost their babies. I am excited for the service, but I am also nervous for the emotions that will probably run rampid. I don't know how Blake and I will handle it, but I know that I am excited because it is something I get to do for Bentley. I get to memorialize him. He is still my son. I am still his mom. And Blake is still his dad. We love to celebrate him. And, I am looking forward to being able to memorialize him because Bentley deserves the best. He is my firstborn--that is all I e Well, it has been 7 weeks. 7 weeks since 7 words knocked me off my feet. 7 weeks when 7 works changed my perspective of life. Now, I am focusing on 7 words to move forward in life--" what do you have for me now? In the last 7 weeks, Blake and I have faced more emotions, more heartache, more challenges than I could have expected to face in a lifetime. I don't know why this had to happen; I don't think I ever will. For people who have been reading, I will continue to lay the "why" at Jesus' feet. I know that I couldn't be here without Him. I know that God is going to use our lives. Pastor Dave mentioned in church yesterday about how God has placed a lot of dynamic duos in the Bible. I laughed in my mind because I often think of Blake and I as a dynamic duo.
Blake is my other half. We were joined at the hip before I delivered Bentley, and we have grown even closer since Bentley went home to be with Jesus. We are like sewn together from head to toe now. It is a good thing. I feel that Blake and I are going to help others. We are going to go through this challenge, and we are going to come out on top, regardless. We won't let this tear us down. Jesus is shining through our lives now more than ever. We have allowed him to take prominence in our lives. I believe that's the only way we are going to overcome anything. Blake is my soul mate; he is the person that I rely on. He is the person who puts a smile on my face, and I am so thankful for him. I am so thankful that God gave me Blake. Resentment. Numerous people have used to word. Some will say, "I know you have resentment towards pregnant people right now". According to Webster's Dictionary, resentment means anger, bitterness, or ill will. I can assure EVERYONE that I do not have resentment towards pregnant people. I am not angry with people for being pregnant. I am not bitter because another girl is pregnant. And, I surely do not have ill will towards those individuals either. I am tired of hearing that I am resentful. I am NOT the definition of resentment. Honestly, the only time I feel anger is to those that have children and do not care for me. People who have children and abuse them. I read a story last evening from Myrtle Beach that some mother left their NEWBORN baby in a Bath and Body Works BOX TO DIE....it was only a few days old! Seriously? I have anger towards that women, yes, I do. Who wouldn't? I ask God to be there with that women who did that. I ask God to make her realize how she just took a precious life and chose to ended it. People who have abortions--do I hate them? No, but I hate the act. I hate the choice they make. My wish is to meet someone and change their mind. I want people to think of their children. I want them to realize their unborn baby needs to be a greater concern to themselves instead of worrying about a one night of drinking or a period of your life. There is a bigger picture, and the unborn baby didn't ask for death. Next tangent, I am not bitter towards other pregnant people. I guess anger kind of goes right in hand, but I can assure you that I am not bitter towards people who are pregnant. My wish is simply that people count their blessings. I would like people to take a look at what they have and use those blessings. I would like people to realize that their children aren't burdens or hindrances, but they are gifts--gifts from God. And, most importantly, I am not resentful towards pregnant people because I do NOT WISH ILL WILL. Again, I DO NOT WISH ILL WILL. I hate this. I hate that people called me resentful. I want nothing more than someone to successful make it through labor with a live baby. That is the goal right? Well, I only wish for that. I don't wish this pain upon ANYONE, not even my worst enemy. I pray for every person that I know is pregnant. I pray that they won't experience this. I pray that NO ONE has to experience this, but I know that isn't realistic. I know that God has plans, bigger than ours. I just simply know that I want every baby that is conceived to be born...so please DO NOT CALL BE RESENTFUL. Moving on...church. Church always makes me cry. I think I cry every Sunday. I will be doing so well, and I just lose it when I get to church. I see so many people that care there, I don't know if that is why. I often feel the closet to Bentley when I'm at church. It is really hard to explain sometimes. We sing a lot of praise and worship, and I will be honest this is where it kicks in. The songs we sing allow me to picture Bentley singing with the angels in heaven. I picture what a sound that is. I picture what it will be like. I picture my little boy singing to the top of his lungs to praise Jesus. I feel so close to Bentley at that moment. I just lose it. I cry, and I typically have to walk out at least once. Everyone stares, but I don't care. I just cry. I miss Bentley. And, church is where I feel closest to Him. I hope that someday I can make it through a church service without having to cry, but I don't know if that will happen. Well, I am going to attempt to get something done today...Bentley I LO I've struggled to write the last few days. I've struggled to let my emotions out, well the last few days. I just feel so overwhelmed. I feel so burdened down with everything. I miss Bentley. I miss being able to have a smile on my face and be truly happy. I miss enjoying to go shopping. I put a smile on face so that no one sees the tears that stream my face in closed doors. I try to blend in with the crowd when visiting the local shopping centers, so that I avoid having to hear the "I'm sorry" or the shocked look on people's faces that I am out in public. I hate that every time I stroll by the baby department that I always see something that I longed to put Bentley in. I pass by so many children...they all seem to have this warm smile or this look in their eyes that I can't describe. I look at them and I picture life with Bentley. I picture what life would have been, and I just fall apart inside. It is the worst thing--you are in public, you see something that triggers something, and you just have to compose yourself and keep going.
I've posted quite a few positive blogs, and today along with the last several I haven't felt positive. I have felt overwhelmed. I have felt like I am just someone blending in with the world in the midst of craziness. The stores are seem loud; a normal conversation seems complicated; decisions seem unbearable. I stress about stupid things. I often don't voice it to anyone...My mind races of the "what if's". I ride in a car, and I get nervous. I get paranoid. I am paranoid of driving fast. Driving on the interstate. I'm paranoid when I don't hear from Blake if I haven't seen him for awhile. I am paranoid every time someone says they went to the doctors. I'm paranoid when my phone rings. I'm paranoid because I have pregnant friends. I seem to be paranoid of everything. There. I. Said. It. I've become a paranoid person. There it is everyone...positive Stephanie, strong Stephanie is having her weak moment. I don't doubt that I won't get through this. I don't doubt that I don't have people surrounding me. I don't doubt that God is far away. I know that through Jesus Christ, Blake and I will overcome anything. I know that God will bless us in our storms. I know this things. I believe them. I just have moments. I have these fluttering feelings. I fear that things go wrong. I cope well. I keep the right "mental state", but I believe that sometimes I don't let me "negative" emotions out. It is healthy for me to let all of my emotions out--good or bad. I oftentimes hide away my feelings of weakness simply because it is a control thing. I like to feel in control of my emotions. And, I can tell you--my emotions are OUT OF CONTROL. It is difficult. My mind is somewhere and everywhere. Some moments I feel so dazed and confused, but yet I am completely intact with where I am in life. I feel like the weight of the world rests on my shoulders. I feel that every time something goes wrong...I carry that weight. And, I don't mean with my life. I worry so much. I worry about everything. I go visit Bentley's grave, and I think about the other families that have lost children. I feel like I feel their pain too. I don't know. Maybe I am going crazy...I feel like it most days. Christmas is quickly approaching, and I just wish it would pass on by. I am dreading it. I am serious.D-R-E-A-D-I-N-G it! Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to bring Bentley back. I know that can't happen; so, Christmas why don't you just pass on by. I am tired of seeing happy, merry Christmas fliers and billboards, commerials, store displays, people, and just everything. There isn't exciting about Christmas this year. The last several years apprx. 7-8 Christmas' I have worked retail. I have worked and worked and worked to plan high sales for Christmas. My holidays were soley fixed on one shopping season of the year--Christmas. I dreaded Christmas...it brought the worst out in shoppers. It meant long hours. It meant crazy crowds. It did bring the business, and we made our goals, but it just was miserable. I had excitedly stated this Christmas would be different. I would be happy this year because Bentley would be here. I was determined to have a good Christmas. Boy, did that change. Now, I am back to dreading Christmas, but this time I dread it even more than before. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISS BENTLEY SO MUCH. SO MUCH. My heart is broken--broken in a millon pieces. God I'm clinging to you. Please piece my life back together. Bring some joy in the midst of the craziness. I am again today placing it in God's Hands...I'm giving him my misery. I am giving him my negati |
AuthorWe are going through a very difficult journey-My husband (Blake) and I (Steph) lost our baby boy at 38 weeks. His name is Bentley Charles Nalley. This is a blog to help sort out our grief and express how we feel. Archives
June 2015
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