It was only four weeks ago that Blake and I were told that Bentley's heart wasn't beating any longer. It was four weeks ago that our world crashed. Our hopes and dreams for Bentley were told that it would never happen. We were given information that was completely devastating. I never thought I would see another tomorrow after hearing those words--"I'm sorry, Stephanie, but Bentley's heart is not beating". Sometimes I feel like I haven't seen a tomorrow, and I am stuck at that very moment. Sometimes it seems that this is all a dream, and one day I will wake up. I know that I am naive to think that, and it simply wishful thinking, but I have moments like that. We miss Bentley every moment of everyday. It seems that we are reminded someway somehow every where we go or even every where we look. I can tell you that I don't feel like this will ever stop. I know that each day will get easier to bear, but I can tell you that my love for Bentley and my longingness for him will never stop! Blake and I were talking this evening how we wish that we could hear him cry and make noises and just simply be here. But, I can tell you that I long to change a dirty diaper, I long to give him a bath, I long to hold him, I long to send him to time out, I long to tuck him into bed, I long to send him to kindergarten, ect. I long for all those moments. I long for the fights, the smiles, the teenage years, and beyond. I long for all those things for which Blake and I won't ever get to have. Yes, we may have more children, but I believe that the same desires will always be there--I won't ever have those things with Bentley. No matter if I have one more child or five more children--my love for Bentley won't ever change. There will be no child or person or dog or material thing that will ever fill that void in my heart for Bentley. Will God be there to help us along? Yes, he surely will, but I can't ever replace him...he is my firstborn son.
So, Blake went to work this morning, and I went to the chiropractor. Now, that was a weird experience. 1) He cracked my back and neck in ways I never thought it would. 2) He practically cried and was all emotional when I told him what happened to us. And, I ended up consoling him once again. This seems to happen everywhere I go. I tell someone what happens, then they end up getting upset and I have to tell them it is all okay, and I will be fine. I guess it is a good thing that he cares enough to get emotional, but it just was awkward. It makes me feel so awkward. Blake and I see it though all the time. It all brings me back to the fact that no one knows what to say. We get this, and it is an awful situation and the worst thing is it makes every relationship we have with people awkward. Friends and family who have been there through this whole process have been amazing....but I am not going to lie it hasn't been everyone. Blake and I are appreciative of everything that everyone has done to help us out and did for us the week Bentley passed away.
We do often wonder though where everyone is? Where did everyone who was there that week go? It seems that more and more dwindle. My phone blinks less. My emails are less. We don't get mail other than bills. And, where we DEFINATELY appreciate everyone that supported us the first week....we still need people. And, I don't mean we need people's money or anything. We need people. We need friends. I know everyone is thinking about us, but a simple hey, how are you doing or a do you want to get dinner or just anything. We understand that no one knows what to say to us, but don't abandon us. Some days we feel that way. Yes, Blake and I don't go to bars anymore or have the same outlook on life, but we are still people. We are still your friends. Yes, our son died. Yes, it is awful, but now is when I need friends more than ever. Do we have ups and downs...yes? Of course we will have good days and bad days, but we simply need our friends. I feel like the people who have been the most are people who I've ever known my entire life or people who I've barely met. Some people we haven't spoken to at all of our friends, and others barely acknowledge Bentley's death. I am not saying any of this to make anyone feel upset or hurt anyone's feelings, but I can tell you that many days Blake and I feel like we are in this alone. We know God is here, but everyone's lives have gone on. It is one of the hardest things to deal with--our lives seem stagnant. We have stopped, and everyone kept going. Everyone has smiles on t heir faces, and they are getting ready for Christmas, and I'm putting flowers on our son's grave. It just doesn't seem right...
I did accomplish something very difficult today though. I don't know if I posted it earlier or not, but one thing I used to look forward to doing each week was looking at the advertisements in the Sunday paper and seeing what Target or Kmart had on sale. Blake and I would scope out who had the cheapest diapers and the best coupons. We would usually go to those places on Sundays or Mondays to purchase something for Bentley that he would need. Well, I used to go on Monday's though normally to just look and go home and beg Blake to come check out all the cute new things that would come in. Today, I decided to go there myself. I walked into Target. I looked around at the clothes for myself and just browsed. I came to the baby section, and I just wanted to look. They had their Christmas stuff in. I went stand by stand looking at everything. I pictured Bentley, and I looked at everything, and I just wanted to have him there in my arms picking out his clothes. I stood there crying. People probably thought I was nuts. I got quite a good bit of stares, but I kept looking. I walked aisle by aisle just looking at everything. Some people may think "why in the world is she doing that to herself if it's so hard?" I walk down those aisles, and I shed those tears because it is something that I need to do. I need to look at baby stuff. I am still a mother. Will I need to buy those things for Bentley? The answer to that is no, but I need to go and look and for a moment maybe know what it feels like. It is something that I used to look forward to, and I used to tell Blake that pretty soon Bentley would be coming shopping with me. And, he would always give me a hard time, and tell me that I wasn't going to turn Bentley into shopping. I would always tell Blake that Bentley was going to be a momma's boy. But, the accomplishment was is that I made it into Target and I survived it by myself. It may not seem big to some, but I can tell you that it was a big accomplishment.
A song that I heard today that is so true. It is by Josh Wilson called Fall Apart
Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise
Now it all seems upside down
‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart
Blessed are the ones who understand
We’ve got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You
And it all seems upside down
Courtesy of lyricshall.com
‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart
I don’t know how long this will last
I’m praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that
Has ever happened to me
My whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when
You will find me when I fall apart
Only get to know you when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise
Now it all seems upside down
‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart
Blessed are the ones who understand
We’ve got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You
And it all seems upside down
Courtesy of lyricshall.com
‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart
I don’t know how long this will last
I’m praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that
Has ever happened to me
My whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when
You will find me when I fall apart
Bentley...mom and dad lov