These last few weeks have been pretty rough--an up and down roller coaster, but I guess we can say that roller coaster has become our life--our new normal. I've just been thinking about how crazy it is that Bentley passed away 6 months ago. 6 freaking months! Seriously? Where has that time gone? Because some days I feel like it was an eternity ago, then there are days (most days) that I feel like it is October 17, 2012, and I'm learning that Bentley passed away for the first time. Bentley's death was something I truly believe could have been prevented in October. I searched and believed that the doctors/nurses/someone had done something to "cause" Bentley's death persay. I wanted answers. And, I still would LOVE to have answers, but I realize that those answers, they won't take the pain away. They won't make me feel better. They won't bring Bentley back. I think that has become another reason that this all has been so tough--there ultimately is no reason why this happened. Bentley was a healthy baby boy. He was 6lbs 19 inches and ready to begin experiencing life outside the womb. I had no symptoms. I had no knowledge that something could even be wrong. Many people say, "well, the cord wraps early on, blah blah blah...well, I can look any doctor/professional/ordinary person...that cord wasn't wrapped at 28 weeks...so it happened in those last 10 weeks...the pain is unbearable because it isn't preventable. There was no true way to "save" Bentley. Babies are born all the time with the cord wrapped around their neck...but Bentley was destined for heaven. He was too precious for this earth.
Sometimes I hear things like that, and I just get so angry. "Too precious for this earth" Yeah, right...I want to be selfish. I want Bentley here. I think there is NO WAY that I can possible live my entire life without Bentley--without my son, without my first born. So, I do what every counselor, friend, family member, or doctor says, I live for the day, the hours, and the moment. It is all I can do. The thoughts of having to spend my entire life with Bentley just hurts my heart way too much. Something I have done since losing Bentley is read obitiuaries. Some people may think I'm crazy-oh well- but I read them, and I think of the ones whose feet never touched this earth, and I think of those families and understand t heir pain, but I also glance through and I see the individuals who live 100 years. WOW. 100 freaking years old!!! I can tell you, I don't want to live that long. I can't imagine how I suffered through these last 6 months, let alone suffer until 100 years old. I don't think that's wrong ofme either. I just can't still imagine an entire life without my sweet, precious, Bentley.
Easter was a tough one. Every holiday is a tough day. The holidays don't get easier, but I think we learn to accept the pain that is associated with the holiday, but it definately doesn't get easier. Blake and i woke up on Easter, and we were rushing around getting ready for work. We had to drop Blake's work truck off at the shop on the way to church, so he left a few minutes before me. It was quiet. And. It. Hit. Me. I realized how different my life would be if we could undo all that happened these last 6 months. I realized if we could have changed the events of October 17, 2012 at that 4:10pm appointment, that my Easter, my April 9, 2012 would have begun so different. But, no, I didn't have no baby Easter outfit to pick out. I didn't have Bentley to "open" his Easter basket. I didn't get to take those pictures with the Easter bunny. We don't share those moments. And, it all sunk it. It wasn't like I had forgotten, but life has a funny way of taking over, and then in the quiet moments--it all comes rushing back. Reality hits you, and you feel like you've been hit by a bus. You realize that Life just sucks. Those are the only words that I can use to describe it, and it doesn't even begin to touch the surface. We spent time including Bentley in our holiday, just like we do every other holiday we have suffered through, and we will continue to include Bentley. I can tell you that boy is missed more than people even realize or understand.
Sometimes I hear things like that, and I just get so angry. "Too precious for this earth" Yeah, right...I want to be selfish. I want Bentley here. I think there is NO WAY that I can possible live my entire life without Bentley--without my son, without my first born. So, I do what every counselor, friend, family member, or doctor says, I live for the day, the hours, and the moment. It is all I can do. The thoughts of having to spend my entire life with Bentley just hurts my heart way too much. Something I have done since losing Bentley is read obitiuaries. Some people may think I'm crazy-oh well- but I read them, and I think of the ones whose feet never touched this earth, and I think of those families and understand t heir pain, but I also glance through and I see the individuals who live 100 years. WOW. 100 freaking years old!!! I can tell you, I don't want to live that long. I can't imagine how I suffered through these last 6 months, let alone suffer until 100 years old. I don't think that's wrong ofme either. I just can't still imagine an entire life without my sweet, precious, Bentley.
Easter was a tough one. Every holiday is a tough day. The holidays don't get easier, but I think we learn to accept the pain that is associated with the holiday, but it definately doesn't get easier. Blake and i woke up on Easter, and we were rushing around getting ready for work. We had to drop Blake's work truck off at the shop on the way to church, so he left a few minutes before me. It was quiet. And. It. Hit. Me. I realized how different my life would be if we could undo all that happened these last 6 months. I realized if we could have changed the events of October 17, 2012 at that 4:10pm appointment, that my Easter, my April 9, 2012 would have begun so different. But, no, I didn't have no baby Easter outfit to pick out. I didn't have Bentley to "open" his Easter basket. I didn't get to take those pictures with the Easter bunny. We don't share those moments. And, it all sunk it. It wasn't like I had forgotten, but life has a funny way of taking over, and then in the quiet moments--it all comes rushing back. Reality hits you, and you feel like you've been hit by a bus. You realize that Life just sucks. Those are the only words that I can use to describe it, and it doesn't even begin to touch the surface. We spent time including Bentley in our holiday, just like we do every other holiday we have suffered through, and we will continue to include Bentley. I can tell you that boy is missed more than people even realize or understand.
Below, I sat reading to Bentley at his grave, and his baby brother, Chase, and his puppy brother Bailey. I read them the story of Peter Cottontale. It was one of my fav. Easter stories to read....